I know I should talk about things, but I don’t know where to start. I guess I can start with the fact that I’ve been tempted to break my clean streak for a while now. The urge just keeps getting stronger as the days go on. I don’t have the energy to stop them. I mean I threw my blades away, but I can easily get more. It’s been taking a lot of energy that I don’t have to stop myself from acting on the urges. I’ve been keeping myself from being alone by hanging out with my friends. Sometimes that runs into the very early morning. I also haven’t been sleeping very well to begin with so getting to bed so late hasn’t been helping that. I just want this turmoil to stop. I don’t wanna feel like my only way out is self-harm anymore. I just want to feel better. I’m getting back into a depressive slump and I can feel it. My friends are showing that they care, but I’m scared to talk about it. I don’t want to overwhelm them or worry them by what I have going on. I just want them to be happy. I help them whenever they’re going through something because it’s who I am. I know they want to be there for me as well, but also I don’t wanna bring them down or anything. I don’t wanna burden them with my life. I don’t know…I feel like I’m just rambling now. Sorry I’ve wasted your time. I don’t even know why I’m posting this.
Hello @FaeTheProud 
I’m really sorry that you’re having to struggle with self harm. I know what it’s like, but I also know what it’s like to break free of it. Let’s break down your post 
Yes it takes a lot of energy and want to stay clean. It’s not easy at all, but you are doing the right things by distracting and keeping people you trust close. Sleep is very, very important tho so I hope you can find a way to get a hold on that. Again, it takes a want and a desire to get better, no one can make that choice for you. You could get more blades, but you know you can’t if you want to stop.
There is your “want”. Now you just have to move forward with that and make changes in your life to avoid going back to those thoughts. What can you do to move forward?
Think about this statement. Ask yourself why it’s ok for you to help them, but not ok for them to help you? Why are you making the decision for them? Why can’t you be happy like them? They are showing you that they care, let them help. I for one would feel horrible if my friend who helped me thru hard times didn’t feel worthy enough to come to me for the same thing.
Lastly, I just want you to know that self harm only makes things worse for us. It did for me in a lot of ways and not one of them helped me thru anything. Think about what you get out of it and honestly ask yourself if you get anything positive, healthy or healing from it.
You are worthy of the same love you give your friends.
i can tell you that friends hurt more when they learn we were hiding our pain from them. They wonder why we didn’t trust them, they wonder what’s wrong with them that we did not open up when we were hurting so badly. They want to help, they want to listen, they want to be able to show us they care.
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