I'm worried about myself (some TW)

[Mystic20]

I’m tired of life. I’m tired of my life. I have depression and I feel like a burden to everyone even though they say I’m not.
I feel like I have no purpose. I… I’m trying to get the negative intrusive thoughts out of my head.
Those thoughts I hate them. I try to busy myself with work or watching good movies or doing my hobbies. But the feeling never goes away. It’s always there.
When my depression gets the better of me, I don’t mask my face to seem that I look okay.

I seriously don’t like my life. I’m always depressed, some days are better than others.
Honestly, if I didn’t have anyone, I wouldn’t be alive.
I can’t seem to find a purpose in my life. I honestly, don’t want to live. But I stay for the sake of friends and family that loves me.

Speaking of family. My mom really does not understand depression.
She does not understand why I can’t snap out of it.
She doesn’t understand why I don’t get help and kick my own ass.
She told me “if you want to kill yourself, go ahead” like why talk to me like that when she knows I’m down. When she knows I have depression. She knows I’m partially suicidal.
I know I’m a burden but come on, why say that to your own daughter.

She makes the decision to keep repeating herself when I have a pattern, about why I don’t do this, why I do that nag nag.
She hates that I have a depressive pattern.
She tells me smoking weed is part of the problem. (Maybe is, idk) and the way I eat (that i know).
But I can’t help to feel worthless and ignored. I hate how my mom does that. She doesn’t want to understand. She chooses not too understand. “Me too, I have down days” yeah normal down days. She doesn’t have depression. I try to make her understand but no matter how loud or how precise I am. She just doesn’t want to understand.
In a way she is a stick up my ass.
She will always say and do that whenever I have another depressive episode…
We already had a huge argument about it but it didn’t help.

[Sita]

hello new friend
It sounds like it has been an exhausting day for you, and I’m truly sorry that it’s been a battle even being at home and hoping for some support. You got us here, and we hear you, we see you.
Thank you for trusting us with your feelings and your thoughts, and I hope this will be a safe space for you.

Your mom has said some pretty ignorant things there, and I’m very glad that you know that, and it seems there is a part of you that already knows that you deserve better than that!

Are you seeing anyone to help you handle this? Or taking any prescribed meds to help you? Sometimes we need the external interventions to help the old brain chems go back to proper ratios and functioning.

You are not a burden!
You matter and you have value and worth. Even if you don’t quite feel it now, your life has importance and you have so much to offer. We’re here to help you through this, or just to be the listening ear, whatever you need.

[Mystic20]

I appreciate your words, kind person.

I am on medication for my depression. I was thinking of talking with my doctor to increase or change my medication.

I talked with my HR to see if they can help me, if I could go into counseling with their program to assist employees. I’m currently waiting for a reply. I went into that program 3 years ago, but I had troubles opening up. I’m going to try again.

This is the first time that I, myself, is taking initiative to possibly better myself.

I’ve been putting off calling my Dr for I don’t know what reason. That will be my next step.

I feel so exhausted of life. So tired of the mental illness I have, even with help and meds.

I really appreciate your reply, thank you.

[Sita]

I’m proud of the steps you’re taking, and the ones you know you need to take next.

If you would like to practice running through anything here, this is a safe space to do so as well.

@Mystic20

This is the first time that I, myself, is taking initiative to possibly better myself.

I got proud mama bear feels at this, I’m glad you’re doing this.

We got your back here, please keep sharing with us, friend!

[DiscordReply]

From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Friend and thank you so much for posting, you are not alone, A new study found that more than 94 percent of people have unwanted, intrusive thoughts and impulses and not just a so a lot of people can relate to what you are saying, and these thoughts are horrid, persistent, cruel and anxiety inducing, and I also wish it wasn’t happening to you. I am pleased that you are trying to keep them at bay with various techniques. Grounding techniques work well for that along with meditation. I spent so many years trying to make family members understand that the way I was feeling wasn’t a choice, that I wasn’t just looking for a way to “not bother to do things” that I was not just “looking for attention” and to just cheer up because “there are out there dying, what have you got to be miserable about” so yeah I get that it not only doesn’t help one bit, it actually makes you feel guilty for feeling that way which in turn makes you feel worse so the kick up the bum they so kindly offer is more of a slap in the face isn’t it albeit unintentional and done with complete lack of understanding and fear of what “mental health problems” really consist of, I would love to say that. that will change. Keep talking to your mum and hopefully one day she will understand. I do believe that smoking weed is meant not meant to help your mood, that is something I have heard but medically I wouldn’t like to say, the only way you could find out is to try, I would hasten to say if you did stop and your mood improved even a bit after a while it would certainly be worth not doing it, anything that makes you feel better is a bonus, if it doesn’t change then it’s your choice. To finish, you are far from worthless, you are an amazing and beautiful human being who is as worthy of happiness as everyone else and hopefully you also no longer feel ignored, we are always here for you. Much Love Lisa x

[DiscordReply]

From: eloquentpetrichor

Hello, Mystic20! Welcome to the community and thank you for sharing with us!

Depression is so hard and when you have people who should always believe you (like our parents) telling you that your struggle isn’t what you think it just makes things so much worse. I had that with my dad. I feel like he was just in denial and didn’t want to accept that I was hurting. If your mom is the same then maybe you can make her understand. But if she doesn’t even take your suicidal feelings seriously then I’m not sure. I hope you can get her on your side so that she can help you.
I’m really glad you are taking medication if it’s helping you. And I hope you manage to get into counseling and that if can help you this time around.

I believe you are a strong person who can keep fighting to find happiness in life and a feeling of peace. I believe that because you are here sharing your story with us and you are trying to get help and you are not letting your mother negate how serious your feelings of depression are. Those are all things someone strong can do. So please keep being strong and keep fighting. And I hope you come back again and share with us. Good things, bad things, anything. We like hearing updates on people’s lives and helping when we can. That’s why the forum is here.

Hope to see you around. Stay strong.

[DiscordReply]

From: SuchBlue

Hi Mystic20,
It is very sad that one has to go through this, having your loved ones not understanding the position you’re in and/or not putting themselves in your shoes and having a little bit of empathy for you.

People can have a hard time understanding things that they can’t relate to. But she also doesn’t seem like she has any interest in understanding and that is very sad to just know.

Thank you for opening up about this with us, it can be really challenging for some and it can take a lot to do so sometimes. We’re here to help to make you feel better, so feel free to update us with what happens and we’ll try our best to help ~SuchBlue