In a tough spot

[connerm1219]

So it’s been a minute since I posted here. I hope everybody’s doing well!

So my ex fiancé and I. I went by the old apartment and gathered up all of her things and loaded em into my car. Turned in the key to the old apartment so that’s officially not my problem anymore. And I’m supposed to go meet with my ex tomorrow for her to get her things.

How am I doin? Well, I’m not sober. I’m back to smoking my weed with regularity. Usually only two sessions in a day but a fair amount of weed each time. Being not sober, while defeating in the grand scheme of things, it’s definitely helped me cope. Put some distance between me and the absolute suffocating grief I’ve been experiencing.

I’m in my new apartment, my cousin who I’ve known my whole life is my roommate, and we’re slowly piecing things together. Stella, my ESA, a beautiful black and white pitbull, is there too and I’m so grateful for that. She’s my rock.

I still miss my ex, though…and I figure that’s natural. We were engaged, we were really close, and in all honesty, this relationship was my first real experience with ‘love,’ rather than just infatuation. So it’s gonna hurt like a mother fucker.

I find that I’m thinking a little more positively about my future. Just the thought that my best future is waiting for me, that’s kept my spirits up a bit.

I’m so anxious about going to bring my ex her things tomorrow. And for what…? I don’t really know what I’m afraid of happening, I just know I’m scared.

This time has been the most challenging chapter of my life so far, and I feel like I’m treading thin ice right now. Not quite drowning anymore, but one wrong step, and back under I go.

[Lisalovesfeathers]

Hey @connerm1219

Its really good to hear from you and considering what you have been through you seem to be doing pretty well and I am really pleased to hear that.
I understand that you are not sober and maybe that is something you can look at next but since the break up of your relationship (and that is far from an easy situation to get through, in fact far from it) then having to start again in a new home is all very mentally taxing and completely exhausting in every way possible, so I think you can be forgiven for not managing anything else on top of all of that.
It takes a long time to recover from a broken relationship when you have loved someone especially as you say if it was your first experience with love, That’s really tough and I am sorry because I remember that horrible feeling. I am hoping that as you are feeling slightly better you can see that there is a light there and that when people say in time it gets easier that although its an annoying cliche its also true? and this …

@connerm1219

I find that I’m thinking a little more positively about my future. Just the thought that my best future is waiting for me, that’s kept my spirits up a bit.

this lightens my heart no end

I understand why you are anxious about seeing your ex and I think its purely because of what you have said all the way through culminating in the very last sentence. You are afraid that because you are not fully over her, your feelings are going to emotionally upset the you that is on that thin ice?? and I get that.
You are strong, you have been amazing and I am so proud of what you have accomplished and I cant wait to read the post where you have begun to give up the weed and your best future is moving along.
I want you to be the best you can be in that future that you want.
Much Love
Lisa

[HSYouTubeTeam]

Hey connerm1219,

EsRivs responded to your post live on stream with some amazing words of support and encouragement!

Here is a link to the video so you can hear her reply,

[Micro]

Hey @connerm1219,

Thank you so much for sharing these updates. As you’ve said very rightly, it hurts and it’s going to keep hurting for a while. But the pain is going to take a different shape, and it’s going to affect you the same way. You are already feeling some sparks of this as you see yourself more hopeful and in a different environment. One step at a time, always.

I imagine how seeing your ex again bring some important stress. There is no need to see in it a specific reason. After this breakup, anything related to her is kind of part of a “pain package”. What is associated witth her brings its share of stress, for now at least. It can be different in the future.

It seems that by being in a different place, turning in the key of your old appartment and such, you are going through some kind of closure. That doesn’t mean the pain is going to go away instantly, but these are some very important steps for your mind to process that all of this is going to be more and more behind you. It will help you to find some relief and feel more focused on you and your future.

I’m so glad that you are with your cousin and Stella. I remember that you’ve mentioned this perspective already awhile ago in one of your posts, and you were waiting for the time you’d be there, as you knew it would make a positive difference. And for sure: being in a neutral environment, one that is not tied to your ex in any way, is definitely positive!

As for the weed, I hope you don’t blame yourself too much. This transition in your life is heavy, and it’s a bit as if being on a battlefield and having to deal with attacks from every position all around you. It’s a lot. Not being sober now doesn’t mean you’re not going to be able to try again later. But it might be a matter of priorities right now, as there’s only so much that our mind and our heart can process at the same time.

Keep us up to speed on how it’s going for you in times to come, if you’re okay with it of course. Now will be a time to rest and process in a more peaceful environment for you. A time to focus on you a little more, without the rush and constant chaos that being in your old apartment had imply.

You’re on the right path.