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In my head... dealing with the past ...again! And I feel like Chester Bennington

I wish my wife (GF at the time) hadn’t cheated. She did it with the EX she had just broke up with and then later on a missions trip with someone else. These demons haunt me and don’t let me go. I have forgiven this past and decided to be more like Christ and love her despite the mistakes… however, every time it comes up it puts me in my head. (The most dangerous place to be for me…) I’m seeing a therapist and I’m on anti-depressants… but I feel that this crap is stronger at times and well here I am.

Has anyone else felt like this or dealt with something similar? If so, how do you manage it? Is it common to enter this state of mind at times?

I just don’t understand why I had to be put through that pain/hurt and now 8 years later deal with it ever so often. I don’t understand why someone who treated the other with nothing but love and respect would be put through such betrayal. I love my wife and have talked to her about this before…but after 8 years, I am tired of having the same conversation everytime these demons decide to haunt me with this. It doesn’t help to talk to her about it as she will not give me a logical answer as to why these things happened other than the following: “I was afraid of the relationship I had with you as it was so different than all before…”; “I don’t remember why I decided to go down those paths and hurt you like that…”

As you can see its not helpful and after 8 years I’m tired of it and its wearing my thin. I want out! But in my beliefs there is only two ways: Someone commits adultery or at death we part. I will never flirt with another woman and commit adultery… But I do tend to flirt with sucide ideation as my way out. Please know I don’t have such plans but ideas of going out like Chester Bennington do cross my head…especially when I am in this place. Anyways this is all I will say for now. I don’t see any point in discussing it further. Sorry to waste your time if you read this. I thought it would help. Good night.

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@FeelsLikeChester

I’m sorry you are going through a terrible season. I am not married, so I cannot give you an advice on this subject. Don’t take your life away. What Chester did years ago was horrible, and it broke my heart. Your life matters. Continue to reach out to the ones you loved and give them an opportunity to know what it is going on with your life. I hope you will feel better. Thank you for sharing. God loves you.

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Hey @FeelsLikeChester. Like AVJR, I’m also not married, but I can give a few opinions on what you’ve written.

It sounds like maybe you haven’t forgiven her for her past mistakes? If you haven’t forgiven her, or if you don’t forgive her, this is something that will always come between you and her. You can’t sit next to someone who did something wrong to you and be comfortable with them if you’re expecting them to do said wrong thing again. You’ll be conscious, even if it’s only in your unconscious mind, of what happened. Besides that it sounds like maybe you have some self doubt about what you’re worthy of. You didn’t deserve to be cheated on, and you don’t deserve to have it happen again now or in the future, but unfortunately things like that happen sometimes. It’s something that you’re going to have to find a way to work out if you want to feel less burdened by it.

Your wife may not have a better answer than what she’s said to you already. She told you she was scared of what the relationship was because it was different. Assuming that’s the truth… People can have a lapse of judgement when they’re scared of something. They will do something that they otherwise never would have done. And they have to live with the consequences, too. That doesn’t make it right, but… It’s the nature of humans. Her pushing it off and not wanting to talk about it won’t resolve it for either of you, but if she loved you enough to marry you and regrets her actions, she’s probably just as aware of what she did as you are. More aware, actually, since she’s the one that did it.

If you really want to try to help your marriage, go to a marriage counselor. Otherwise, just let her go, divorce her and move on with your life. I know you said that’s not in your beliefs, but is it really worth holding onto something that isn’t working and gives you more grief than it gives you joy? It’s not fair to either of you to make you suffer for the rest of your life. (I’m speaking specifically of your marriage, not about suicide.) If your belief is rooted in religion, maybe talk to a pastor or priest or whatever. Hopefully they will be able to give you counseling on what to do.

It’s hard to have a disconnect from someone you love. It hurts, so I’m not surprised that you’re hurting this much. I hope you can figure this out so you can feel better.

~Daisy :hearts:

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