Uuuugggh where to start …so some background followed by…a jumble of bottled up feelings that’s
all out of order.
a few years back my husband was working a great sales job, enough money to keep us from stressing about bills, we had gotten ourselves off assistance, doing great. I was a stay at home mom with our two and pregnant with our third. My husband ended up having a mini stroke while I was 7 months pregnant, put him outta work for a month, medical debt up to our eyeballs, and a fun weekly fight with FMLA. We had already known he was epileptic, but this brought on a slew of new medical problems, he kept trying to work but after about two years of losing jobs from seizures on the work floor and missed days we decided I needed to work.
Problem with that is…I’m a mental basket case. I have bipolar, multiple personalities, severe anxiety+depression, and I’m terrified of people, just…so scared. My first job. I had to take too many days in my first month, my husband had severe seizures and I couldn’t leave him alone with two toddlers, after a month they fired me. Told me I “obviously didn’t want this enough”. I collapsed beside my car and sobbed for 20 minutes getting, ‘look at that psycho’ looks.
My next job was understanding, good boss…aside from the low-key sexual harrassment, they worked with me when my husband needed me, I could live with a few depraved comments. Unfortunately we lived in a crap state so I didn’t make much and we lost the house we were renting.
The first time we lost a house, and it was my fault…the voices have never, and will never, let me live it down… especially now.
We had to move in with in-laws and it is miserable. They fight and scream at one another in ways that have me shaking like a Chihuahua, and my three kids are stuck listening, I never wanted this for them. There are so many rules we feel we are only allowed in our room, but we get yelled at like children for reclusing, but we come out and after a bit we are intruding. My disabled husband has to wash everyone’s dishes everyday, even when he didn’t cook(the rule is you cook u do dishes) cause FIL won’t. I obviously help him with everything when I’m home but I work 9 hour shifts so it’s left to him most the time cause his mom works a ton.
Today we went to the store to buy pullups for my youngest, I accidentally bought diapers. MIL got home and came in screaming about us being lazy, saying since we cancelled a dentist appointment the other day after my husband spent an hour having a seizure was lazy cause I didn’t just take my kid cause I didn’t have one, but I didn’t want to abandon him for 2 hours for an appointment that wasnt vital.
The last…way too long, Ive had horrible depression, the amount of times I think about dying, wishing something would just take me out, is terrifying. I love my kids to pieces but I’m so worn thin from working and being around people constantly that it’s hard to be around my kids. 180% of my energy goes into pretending to be happy and friendly at work and I come home and get three kids crawling on me and speaking at once and invading my space, it’s sensory overload I can’t handle it and I feel good awful.
I never wanted to be a mom cause I knew I’d suck but everyone stole all my choices away from me about every single aspect through my whole stupid life. Now I have three and I get to be screamed at that I’m a bad and lazy mom and you’re fucking right. And I hate it, but not as much as I hate myself. I used to be a somewhat good mom, then my last pregnancy kicked my ass right into psycho bitch. It’s like it took me to the edge of my bipolar and punted my ass and I’m just terrible now and I want to change but I can’t cause it’s just so hard to be normal. All I can think about like 30 times a day is how I should have killed myself in college so these kids weren’t stuck with me. My oldest could stayed with my mom and the other two wouldn’t exist. I’d hopefully still be stuck at the bottom of a river bothering no one. Now I have kids and a disabled husband who need me and as much as that one nasty voice in my head tells me I should end it and they’d be happier and they deserve someone better I can’t leave and I can’t die, and…it almost makes me mad. I can never put into words how I’m feeling, my parents did a good job ruining me.
I’ve left college twice now, the first cause I had a breakdown then just slacked my ass off, the second cause I ran out of funding through a program. I wouldn’ta been a good nurse anyway. I don’t know what to do. I feel so worthless and stupid. I want to provide for my family but I’m a fucking joke. My husband could make 53,000 a year, ya know what I’ve pulled in the past two? 9,000 it’s no wonder I lost us our house. I have no worth, janitor jobs make me puke, I’m too anxious to talk on phones, I get awkward and flustered around people and it gets me fired or my hours reduced. I have no skill, everything I enjoy? I suck at, I suck at everything I enjoy so much that actually doing it makes me angry and hate it and hate myself worse for not being able to be a damn normal person and just have one stupid fucking thing I can do.
I don’t even have life insurance so dying would just be a burden.
My kids are gonna hate me so much when they’re older and fully realize what a piece of shit their mom was. Hiding in her bedroom all day, forgetting promises constantly like she did everything, fuck apparently even my husband used to complain about me being a shit stay at home wife when he worked. The only reason he stayed is cause he was too good of a person. To cheat or leave me for someone else, I know there were plenty of girls at his office who wanted to. He probably should have, but now he probably feels stuck cause he doesn’t think he’ll be able to find someone else now, so he’s stuck with me cause at least I’ll take care of him through a seizure.
I know I’m just whining, and it’s stupid, and I’m being dumb. I’m making this into more than it needs to be, I really just needed to get this out cause it’s 4am and I’ve been crying for 3 hours and I was hoping getting out some jumbled thoughts would help after I stumbled across the site.
My Friend, Thank You For Sharing Your Thoughts.
Please Be Gentle With Yourself.
You Have A Great Heart.
One That Loves Unconditionally.
You Are Not Worthless And Stupid.
You Are An Inspiration.
Being A Mother Has Got To Be The Hardest “Job”
That A Person Can Do.
Please Be Patient And Kind With Yourself.
A Heart As Loving And Caring As Yours Also Deserves To Be Reminded To Love Itself.
And That You Are Loved.
You Have A Tremendous Fighting Spirit My Friend,
That Is Built Upon The Foundation Of Love.
Maybe There’s Some Mothers Here Who Can Understand Your Situation Better Than I.
They Could Have A Much Better Way With Words That Can And Through Them, Help You And Each Other Through Similar Situations.
Again, Thank You For Sharing Your Thoughts And Feelings. Much Love To You! Hugz!
“People have said, “don’t cry“ to other people for years and years, and all it has ever meant is, “I’m too uncomfortable when you show your feelings. Don’t cry.“ I’d rather have them say, “go ahead and cry. I’m here to be with you.“
“Love seems to be something that keeps filling up within us. The more we give away, the more we have to give.”
Mr Fred Rogers.
You’re Perfect Just The Way You Are.
Feelings are ok to express and sometimes I think that my feelings are reality or how I feel is what’s really going on with the situation, when I’m just reacting to a situation that isn’t fully what my feelings think is going on. Does that make sense?
I feel like I’m a “bad mom” so much, but I think that the responsibility of being loved unconditionally by my two daughters is something that plagues my ability to see that I’m doing a good job. I hate the expression “doing the best I can” because my mother said that to me when I confronted her about why she allowed my step-dad to be inappropriate with me from the age of 7 to 13. She said that she had two other young kids and that she just did the best she could. As an adult with two daughters now, I can understand that response to some degree, but it wasn’t enough for me at the time. So now, I’m learning how to not only deal with the past, but how to heal and get the love that I want, the way I need it.
I’m glad you stumbled across heart support and vented your feelings. I mean, just this post has helped me to realize that I’m not just a freak of nature that sometimes thinks I’m a terrible mother for the slew of mistakes I’ve made or continue to make. I’m not perfect and just because I’m a mother doesn’t mean that I have to live up to this perfect picture of what a mom does or doesn’t do from either my perception or what society deems, you know? Fact is, my kids are my kids from a molecular stand point - they’re made from me and their dads. So, I feel like in some ways, my inadequacies or what I think they need is me just projecting what I didn’t get onto them…when they need what they need and in figuring what that is and how to give it to them is the challenge!! Now, there’s way more to my story about my kids and I that can’t fit into this post - but I just wanted to tell you that I appreciate your honesty and respect that you expressed yourself here instead of doing something that was self destructive. Ya know?
Hope you have a great day!
I love that - “go ahead and cry”…totally true and man, it really has helped me to just cry and not feel bad about it or ashamed that my feelings have risen up and fallen out of my eyeballs. But sometimes, getting those feelings out is the best way to process for me. I just wanted you to know I dug your response!
And I Dug Your Response As Well!
This is going to sound a kinda lazy, but as a stay at home mom, I’m just going to out and say it.
PBS Kids is where it’s at.
I watch Shows like Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood and Sesame street every day with my kids. I personally sit with them and watch at least an hour of it with them so I can learn what the lesson of the day is. I feel like it helps in 2 ways. 1. I get to learn the cues the TV people use to tell the TV kids how to deal with (problem), 2. I feel like I’m getting some of the pre-school lessons I missed as a kid. Which I feel is helping me emotionally speaking.
As for you husbands seizures are there any known triggers or does it just happen at random?
There are co-op preschools that might be helpful if one of you can dedicate a certain number of hours to pre-schooling kids.
Sounds like the whole family could use some counseling sessions, both individually and as a family unit. Though things only get better when everyone wants them to.
Try not to be too mean to your self, you get more than enough harshness externally.