I love this. I am fully aware of something I am doing yet I also know It’s something I can’t stop yet it can only stop if I stop. I can’t break the cycle. And I want to. But I don’t? Im forever stuck.
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I think the encouraging thing here is that you recognize and realize that you are in a cycle, and even though you don’t want to stop - part of you DOES want to. Most cycles and patterns keep repeating because of the lack of desire to want to end it. So friend, I don’t think you’re forever stuck. It’s just going to take the right moment to get out of that loop.
How do you hold hope that things are going to get better long enough to actively engage in the crazy difficult work of change? Especially when you’ve hoped before and only failed? Especially when you actually kind of want to stay doing exactly what you’re doing right now? But at the same time it sickens you, and you DESPERATELY want to break free, but you feel like you can’t…oh yeah, gosh, how do you hope for something you feel you can’t do? It’s kind of like you can’t trust yourself. But you want to. It’s like even in trying to describe the process, the desire, you can’t help but ping pong back and forth between these conflicting emotions, and when it starts to speed up between them, it’s almost like it’d be easier to just STOP CARING…and just keep doing what you’re doing…but you can’t shake this feeling inside of you that you desperately want to get better…but you’re at this point now where you wish you’d either stop caring or you wish you could actually make progress…and you just don’t know what to do.
And friend, honestly, I can relate 100% to this. I am working through an addiction to porn – I have been in recovery for 10 years and have yet to find freedom. The internal battle is so conflicting. Some days you feel so hopeful, so full of possibility. And the next you feel COMPLETELY devastated.
I don’t have advice on how to get free, as I am not yet. But I do want to acknowledge the courage that you have to have to hold onto hope over time. It is really vulnerable to believe in yourself when you know full well that there’s a major chance that you will be disappointed. But to hope anyways. You have this defiance inside of you that says – I will not be beaten. And I love that. And I admire that. And I am inspired by that. And I want to defy my addiction like that too.
And I believe that over time, your defiance is what will set you free. Keep going <3
-Nate
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