My husband and I have been married over a year and are still struggling with intimacy. I have a fear of having intimacy. I was never hurt or abused as a child so no one knows where the fear is coming from.
Prayer please
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I undertsand how you would be afraid to have intamacy but to also be afraid to be afraidd, becuase you are probably afraid that the fear might hurt your relationship?
Hi k123,
I’m sorry to hear about your struggles. The first handful of years in a marriage can be really hard. You’re still learning to live together, learning each others quirks, etc.
You don’t have to have a history of abuse to have problems with intimacy. In my experience, as long as you grow up in a home where intimate acts aren’t supposed to be discussed or have some sort of unspoken taboo attached to them can be just as influential.
I would suggest having discussions with your husband about it and try to really understand where that discomfort comes from. You won’t be able to change things is you don’t know what the source of the problem is in the first place. Maybe it was your past, but in a nonviolent way. Maybe your parents didn’t talk about sex or relationships much, maybe you have insecurities about your appearance, maybe you feel uncomfortable being vulnerable around your husband. Whatever the case, you will need to look inside yourself to find the answer.
Best of luck, friend.
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Thanks I feel like I am very open with my husband just so afraid of physical pain even going to the doctors I panic. I don’t understand it but I get super afraid
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I’m not really afraid the fear will hurt my relationship I’m more just afraid that I am not following what God has commanded after marriage, which I want to be a good wife
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Well you shouldn’t do something unless your husband and you both agree.
I don’t believe God commands specific actions when it comes to intimacy. If anything, He wants you to feel free to explore each other. Are you concerned that you will not live up to your husband’s expectations? I imagine that your husband is willing to accept you as you are. How intimacy is expressed evolves, so there’s a good chance that the two of you will experience greater contentment related to it over time.
I don’t believe God or your husband want you to feel fear, or under a cloud of expectations.
You are a good wife, as evidenced by your wanting to be.
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I think Leviticus said not to abstain unless it was in mutual prayerful reflection, but what I took that to mean was don’t withhold sex for selfish reasons or use it as a bargaining tool. The other side of not abstaining unless it’s mutually agreed upon is not engaging unless it’s mutually agreed upon.
Like you and Sapphire said, continue being transparent with your husband so he understands what’s going on. It sounds like he’s been patient and understanding. If he was resentful and demanding intimacy, we’d be having a different discussion here. I’ve been married almost 2 years, and we’ve struggled with intimacy too. What’s gotten us through is open, brutally honest discussions and an adjustment of expectations. I think the only difference between now and a year ago is managed expectations, which makes everything way more fulfilling.
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