Hey
First off, how you feel isn’t wrong. Feelings aren’t wrong they are just our “guts” telling us how we really feel. You’re not at all abnormal in that unwanted touching during childhood often manifests in similar symptoms. So in this set of circumstances you are reacting normally…if that is any solace at all.
Whatever you choose for yourself: to put in the hard work to try to embrace intimacy as part of your life, or to accept that you don’t want it (or want it enough) and to try to be happy without it…whatever you choose is a valid choice. Even if you have to go back and forth as you change your mind.
I think communication with anyone that is a potential companion is important & there is always the possibility of finding a partner that is also asexual (if you go that route) so being alone or bending to do something you are not comfortable doing may not be the only two options.
From personal experience: This sort of dysfunction doesn’t just fix itself. To make an analogy, its like the trauma caused your emotional lightswitch to get miswired so every time the switch gets turned on: somewhere between a blown fuse and a meltdown. Time & effort can try and address it, the guidance of a professional and honesty with your partners is highly recommended.
I don’t think it’s fair to yourself the way you are positioning wellness. You are unwell for a legitimate reason and its sounds like its the result of trauma caused to you by an adult while you were a child. That sort of thing is the emotional equivalent of a spear through your psyche. The only thing you can evey kick yourself for (if anything) if not seeing a doctor about getting the psyche spear removed (& I personally made the choice to live with mine and I just whittled down the protruding edges so it doesn’t catch so easily walking through doors - so I consider this a valid choice as well).
Just like Banner in the Marvel films: he gained control when he realized he was always angry. For me: I’m often scared and/or sensitive, but I’m stronger for acknowledging it and working with it than I am working against it or pretending I don’t have the issue at all.
I don’t think it’s “fair” for you blame yourself for the problem, or your level of progress. The RNG Mountain generator gives us each a different journey. It seems like some people get the GODMODE level difficulty and other people have cheat codes and just warp to level 8. The only thing you can judge yourself on is if you are trying and how well you forgive yourself.
I feel like I keep going on forever here. I just can’t stress this enough: you may have an issue, but there isn’t anything wrong with how you are feeling. Your post is so normal to me that my eyes keep leaking. Take it as slowly as you need to. Whatever you decide is valid. Take care. Keep us posted.
Also, we’re different people and I apologize for making anything about me, but I feel better about talking about my struggles to avoid trying to be preachy and giving direct advice - I think I failed on that 2nd one here btw. I apologize
