So I have dealt with depression for the good part of my 20s. I just turned 30 and for the past 6-12 months I have really thought a lot about suicide and what it means. Its in movies, books, and unfortunately its common in our everyday lives. Its a common thought that it is a selfish act. Said person that committed was weak, wasn’t willing to put in the work, didn’t care that they hurt other people I understand the thought process as I had the same one. My dad committed when I was 19 and I felt heavy guilt and it was difficult to deal with. Now that I have seen the other side, felt the other side I don’t think its selfish at all. No one else has to live the life we live but ourselves, and if someone is struggling in their own life I don’t think anyone has the right to tell that person they should just deal with it. As someone who lives with pain everyday, and is so extremely exhausted in this life - I don’t think its fair for people to say suicide is selfish, As morbid as it may sound to some, I think its a right we have in this life. We have a right to live, and to die.
First of all, welcome to Heart Support.
I have to agree, no other person has the right to pass such a judgment, to say that a suicidal person is selfish or weak. I’ve been really really close to committing myself, and at the time, the thought of living was more terrifying than dying. That feeling was most extreme in 2007, but as you may have noticed, I’m still here.
A family member attempted, but survived. Her children felt rejected, and never completely got over it. I didn’t want my children to deal with something similar, however, as I mentioned, I was very very close to ending myself despite how it would affect my kids.
I worked in a psych hospital for a while, and I witnessed a lot of overwhelmed people, and realized that for some, suicide doesn’t even feel like a choice, but instead, the only alternative.
Still, it really is always a choice. Sadly, it tends be the most decent, deeply feeling and sensitive people who end up with suicidal ideations, in other words, those the world needs most.
Whether or not a person considers it selfish, I think the decision might better be based on how much love a person can give or receive, among other things. In other words, there are things, people, and experiences that are very much worth living for.
It’s certainly not selfish in theory - at best, it is an expression of a deep hurt, one that needs to be heard and understood. On the other side, I’d think personally that it’s important to not try to justify suicide as being legitimate. Not that on the paper we don’t have the right to die - as you said so well, we are the ones living our own life and no one else is doing it for us. I believe though that when we try to justify it as being our very own right, it’s yet another expression of the pain we’re feeling and a way to feed the suicidal thoughts themselves.
It’s like trying to bargain with these thoughts inside of us that urge us to end everything. We try to deconstruct all the other thoughts that could appear as “obstacles” to reaching our plan of hurting ourselves, and find justifications as to why we shouldn’t hold on to hope anymore. It’s a way for the mind to try to put a false rationality in a head-space that is actually made of deep emotions. We try to justify suicide as being legitimate because there’s this deep sense of hopelessness and urgent need to find a way out of this pain, and what feels like an impossibility to foresee other options. Does that mean suicide is the solution though? It’s a hard process to accept that our suicidal thoughts are an expression of our pain, but not a conveyor of truth regarding our life, our value or our rights.
Like you, I’m in my 30s, and I’ve been dealing with high-functioning depression among other thing for as long as I can remember. At times I had the same reasoning as you regarding my own suicidal urges, but that’s a thought process I had while I was in the midst of my struggles and feeling utterly hopeless. Somehow, I was having this inner dialogue that had for only objective to justify an action I was willing to take but was afraid of. I felt conflicted, so my mind went into this process, repeatedly, of weighing the pros and cons. To say that dying was my very own right, I was expressing the frustration I had for feeling attached to life despite all the pain I was carrying.By doing so, I was also purposefully ignoring how much deep inside I didn’t want to feel like suicide would be an option. I’ve seen both sides of it and understand like you the hurt it creates to the ones who stay.
It’s hard because somehow, we feel this inner conflict of not wanting to hurt the people we love, yet at the same time feeling trapped with our own pain, inside of our mind. So the love others have for us almost feels like an unwanted gift, a burden to carry that keeps us in a place where we feel utterly stuck. I think, when we start having this kind of “negotiation” within, of asking ourselves why on earth we shouldn’t end ourselves, it’s actually a part of that hurt and frustration that is speaking. There is a subtle difference between the form and content, and we don’t have to listen to everything that our mind tells us. To quote a ted talk that I saw a while ago about depression: “the truth lies” when you’re experiencing the realm of clinical depression.
Our suicidal thoughts don’t make hope less real, nor the possibility to overcome our struggles. Although it certainly digs deeper the distance between us and others, between life and death. It’s okay to acknowledge these thoughts as such - just thoughts -, to distance ourselves with it as we can, to be honest with ourselves while leading this inner battle and negotiation. Truth is you matter and your presence makes a difference, even if you may not see it as pain over shadows everything.