Is it weird that I find it comforting that I can end my life anytime I want to? Like it’s not that I have plans laying or anything, but just the thought that I can do it some day, when I just don’t have the strength to fight anymore, it kinda calms me down. Like there is always a way out of this, a way that is on my terms.
Is it weird? Should I just keep my mouth shut about it?
I mean: I don’t want to live like this for much longer, but I don’t think I can change everything so that I won’t live like this anymore. I don’t think that I can ever trust someone enough to really share with them who I am, because I don’t like this person, I don’t like me. There is too much wrong with me. Too much basic stuff that is wrong with me. And: if I can’t accept me with all my flaws, how the fuck can I ever be open to someone else? How the fuck can I ever let someone in? Into my house, into my mess, into my world filled with chaos? I hate this place! I hate this shell in which my soul is hidden. I hate this lazy piece of garbage, because that’s what I am.
And what I hate even more, is that I’m still hiding behind that mask. That mask that pretends that everything is okay, and that I have everything under control. And when I’m not wearing it: I have these walls up that only make me apologize for taking that mask off.
I’m stuck and sometimes that thought that I can just end all of it, it’s like that last bit of control that I have left. Is that weird?
Hey @JustAnotherPerson ,
Like you said, it’s a thought that allows you to calm down. There is a strong taboo in our societies around suicidal thoughts but if you have that kind of thoughts, that doesn’t mean you’re weird. It’s a way you have, for the moment, to reassure yourself sometimes.
However, in the long run, it remains unhealthy for you. It’s important that this thought doesn’t become your only thought/reaction in front of difficulties and, despite everything, coming to think of these things, even vaguely, is meaningful. Having suicidal thoughts is also a way for your mind to express some pain or dissatisfaction. In any case, the fact that you’re in a difficult situation and that you want to get out of it.
So there’s no shame to have and you don’t have to keep your mouth shut about it. In any case, here you are free to say everything you need. Most people IRL are not comfortable with this, but others are, and agree to discuss it openly, in a respectful way.
You feel like you’re out of control of your life right now, but I’d like to point out that reaching that level of awareness is already a major strength. A strength you have, and no one else. You get to take a step back on these thoughts, you seem to have identified why they’re here and what are the things you would like to improve in your life.
I may be wrong, but I have the impression that you’ve got this feeling of shame towards those around you. Like a huge gap between the “public” you and the “intimate” you. Would you like to share a little bit about why you perceive yourself that way? Like, as you said, why “there’s too much wrong with you”?