For 23 years I woke up to insults, demeaning comments, and blame for everything that’s gone wrong in the house… Now I’m out, all I feel is pain.
Now after a year of fighting to take my life back from a 7 year long addiction to prescription pills, I’m finally out of that damaging environment. That freedom is all I’ve ever longed for and so when the opportunity came up, I felt like maybe, just maybe, my life could start to change for the better.
That joy very quickly turned to unbearable pain… Instead of waking up to that abuse, whenever I get even 5 minutes of time that I’m not doing something for someone else, or working on something for myself, I look around and see that my family isn’t here, and feel like I’m in a nightmare I can’t ever wake up from. I miss my dogs so much, and I feel as though I miss my parents… I know it’s stupid, why would I miss them? All they did was psychologically abuse me… I had to go back and pick up a few more bits, and while I was there, within 10 minutes, the shouting started and my sisters blamed me… I couldn’t wait to come back and be away from it, but, when I got back… It was like being in the nightmare again. I realised how much I wanted my dogs and how lonely I feel. Other than when I had to put my dog down a few months ago, the only time I’ve ever felt this pain, was the night I tried to take my life for the first time at age 15. I don’t know how to handle this pain, and I don’t know how much more of it I can take before that night repeats itself. Usually connecting with God helps bring me peace, but, these last few nights… I haven’t felt any relief.
Please help me… I’m finally free but all I feel is pain.