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Is this a repeat of the night I tried to end it?

For 23 years I woke up to insults, demeaning comments, and blame for everything that’s gone wrong in the house… Now I’m out, all I feel is pain.
Now after a year of fighting to take my life back from a 7 year long addiction to prescription pills, I’m finally out of that damaging environment. That freedom is all I’ve ever longed for and so when the opportunity came up, I felt like maybe, just maybe, my life could start to change for the better.
That joy very quickly turned to unbearable pain… Instead of waking up to that abuse, whenever I get even 5 minutes of time that I’m not doing something for someone else, or working on something for myself, I look around and see that my family isn’t here, and feel like I’m in a nightmare I can’t ever wake up from. I miss my dogs so much, and I feel as though I miss my parents… I know it’s stupid, why would I miss them? All they did was psychologically abuse me… I had to go back and pick up a few more bits, and while I was there, within 10 minutes, the shouting started and my sisters blamed me… I couldn’t wait to come back and be away from it, but, when I got back… It was like being in the nightmare again. I realised how much I wanted my dogs and how lonely I feel. Other than when I had to put my dog down a few months ago, the only time I’ve ever felt this pain, was the night I tried to take my life for the first time at age 15. I don’t know how to handle this pain, and I don’t know how much more of it I can take before that night repeats itself. Usually connecting with God helps bring me peace, but, these last few nights… I haven’t felt any relief.

Please help me… I’m finally free but all I feel is pain.

Kayla

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It’s ok to miss people that are no good for you. When we are away from people it’s easy to gloss over that parts that made you leave.
And feeling alone is rough.
Are you in a situation where you can get a new pet for you?

When something like this happens for so long you get used to the sameness of it all. It’s comforting in its own weird way. It’s almost like a bad habit or an addiction. Building healthy habits is all about routine. Change up all the stuff in your new home (SUPER PROUD OF YOU BTW!!!), try to get a new tooth brush, new teethpaste, new blankets/sheets for your bed. Try to keep everything in a different room setup than your old place. Amazon is your best friend for this stuff because it’s likely going to be cheaper than anywhere else. Make this your own space filled with happiness and joy rather than someone else’s.

Love you lots, Kayla. Lets try and have a gaming night soon?

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