Is this all there is to life?

I’m home alone right now and i started having a mental breakdown and i turned to the internet which led me to this site hoping it will help
I’m 15, Male. Like i said, Im home alone and its been like this every thursday night for the past however many years. Tonights different bc my parents are at a christmas party which means they’ll be drunk when they get home. I dread this not because i have abusive parents (they can be loving at times but their love feels empty. Just to clarify so i dont get my parents in trouble: They dont abuse me. They’ve never layed a finger on me)
I dread this because they’ll come home drunk and act like i havent been home alone in an empty house with nothing to do for hours on end.
Its not like my sister is any better. She seems to work 24/7 and if shes not working shes with her boyfriend. Every day im home alone for at least 5 hours with nothing to do and the same old shit outta date ramen thats fucking burden to cook only for it to taste like utter shit.
My school life? Shits not much better. I often try to eat lunch alone by leaving the cafe but students arent allowed in the halls during lunch. So if im not eating lunch (most days) i opt to sneak into gym and play volleyball with the wall. Its the only highlight of the everyday routine. My grades arent doing too well either and i swear whenever i lie to a family members face about school with the whole “hows school” and i say “Its going pretty well! best school in the district!” I feel like they somehow know that im lying and they are secretly disappointed.
Social life? forget it. I dont have a girlfriend ( not that i want one. i know i cant make the commitment) and barely any REAL friends. yeah i have those friends who are just friends with you to have friends. whenever i want to say something personal they always put me down for having problems. i really want to cut them off but i have some kind of stockholm syndrome with them. Whenever they insult me i leave then come right back only for the cycle to continue.
Why cant i just be happy? I dont need friends. i would be so much happer without snakes lurking behind me just waiting for me to mess up only for them to bite me in the ass and kill my self esteem
I wish i was happy but i wake up every morning thinking “oh great, Its 5:30 again! time to get ready to go to the hell hole that id my high school only to go through the same classes with the same teacher in the same building and talk to the same snakes and get forced to look at the only things that change before my eyes every day that being my grades ever getting lower and lower.” sometimes i wake up and genuinely cry because im back at the beginning of the cycle with no end in sight.
back to tonight, i broke a hole in my wall with a bat and proceeded to cry on the floor in fetal position until i got up and walked outside in the cold and sat until my fingers went white (when my fingers get realy cold, blood stops flowing to them) then walked in, warmed my hands, and cut on the top of my thigh making the third cut this month.
I do have a pet to keep me company. but she just sits on the couch or under my bed. its like shes thinking the same thing i am.
I did have a dog until a month ago when i found her outside struggling to stand up. turns out there was a growth on her spleen. we had to put her down 2 days later. This hit me especially hard because for the past however many years ive been staying home alone shes been there to ACTUALLY keep me company. now shes gone and ill never get to pet her again. ill never get to jam out to music with her again. now i sleep in a silent pitch black room with no sound of her snoring or licking or itching NOTHING.
i genuinely think the only reason i havent killed myself is because i dont wanna do tat to my family and im too much of a pussy to swallow 10 stupid pills.
every day i put on this mask of someone else. someone who is cheerful and happy but as soon as it gets like this. home alone. i break
i dont wanna ask to dee a theraoist becaude i feel like if i see them regularly then ill think of them as my only friend and one day it will hit me taht they only pretend to like me so they get my 150/hr
I cant stay sober because ill get like this.
i guess ill come back here if i have more to say. thanks for entertaining this paragraph if you read this far.

Hey friend,
That’s a lot of hard things you are going through and feeling. You can always post here about how you are doing and I am glad that you did tonight. Feeling like you have little to no one to care or listen is isolating and it sounds like you have been feeling that way. You mentioned having barely any real friends but I am thinking that means you have at least a few real friends? If you do, spend time with them, let them embrace you on the days you choose to be alone at lunch. Being alone in the day and at night isn’t making things easier for you when your parents go out. You care about your family and I am sure they care about you. Please talk to them about how you are feeling and therapy. A therapist will only be your only friend if you make it that way. If you don’t have friends who support you, maybe make some new ones. I know that for me, I was doing the isolating things in high school. I started to pull back from the relationships that I did have because I thought no one cared. A friend of mine who was in the drama department asked me if I would help her with some stuff for an upcoming school play. The people I met in there were so friendly and welcoming that I eventually got more involved and long story short, did three other productions with them and had people to hang out with on the weekends. They were good friends. Good people. They were there for me more than other “friends” I had, were. It took a leap into the unknown to find that belonging instead of sitting alone.

Also, I’m sorry about your dog, dude. That is really hard to lose a pet that we are super close to. My heart goes out to you. I love a beloved pet that I felt closest to just after high school and it was devastating. Its okay to grieve their loss.

As far as the cutting and thinking about how you might kill yourself, your life is important Joshua. You matter so much and the things you are going through are hard, but you are not alone. Please check out the book Rewrite through HeartSupport and Dwarf Planet. If you cannot afford a copy, I think there is a link to get it otherwise (or email HS and I’m sure they’ll help you out). Also, join the streams for live support Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays at 10am PST. Care about you friend, hold fast.

1 Like