I keep getting triggered…
My X and I are both mods in big twitch community and it’s the only thing still connecting us. I’m fine during the hours I know he works and can’t be online. I feel good, the intrusive thoughts have calmed down a lot and that dark cloud is gone.
Once I know he isn’t working and could be online (I purposely don’t look for him), my head starts in with things like, “just leave the community, then he’ll be 100% out of your life and you won’t have to ride this emotional roller coaster everyday.” or “he is probably talking to them behind my back and telling them lies about me.” or “why aren’t they saying hi to me in stream? He got to them…”
It’s just really, really exhausting and I just want to give in to the voices. I want to believe the lies my BPD lens is telling me and just run away from all the emotional torture that comes with seeing his name online.
I’ve learned about all this shit, why can’t I stop it? I know what is happening to me, but it won’t stop sometimes and I just want to scream.
Because I’m aware of this, I haven’t left the community. I realize that if I do, I loose all my friends. People I’ve known for years and who care about me. They don’t ignore me, they are just busying reading other comments in chat or they just didn’t see my comment. They do things that should tell me that they care about me and I shouldn’t question it, I feel horrible for feeling all this crap. They are all very good people.
Why leave all this to get away from one person that I hardly see anyway?
I know all this and I’m trying so fucking hard not to split with him 100% and not loose everything.
Paranoia is going to end up destroying everything, if I can’t get a handle on it.
Hey friend. I don’t have BPD, so I know I can’t really fully understand, but I can relate a lot to this.
But I do know what it’s like to fight that urge to just run away from everyone. It’s so hard. It’s so so so hard to stick it out when your brain is telling you to leave. But like you said. You do have lots of friends there. You do have support. You do have a community and you can exist together. But lordy, I know it’s hard.
Until semi recently, my main way to deal with anything was just… ghost everyone and start over. For me, personally, I am pretty sure this started because I moved a lot as a kid. So I never really had to stick it out, so to speak.
Why can’t you stop it? I wish I had a great answer for that, but I do not. I do think being so aware of it is a bigger help than maybe you give yourself credit for. That is NOT easy to realize it’s happening and act around it, despite what your brain is trying to say.
Are you able to talk to anyone in the community it about how hard it is to be around him at all? Are you able to block him in any way? I’m sorry you’re struggling with this. You’re not alone. I think there are pieces a lot of us can relate to. Thank you so much for opening up here.
I’ve only told one person a little bit of why I broke things off with him. Some of them have seen me in crisis. It’s a long story, but I don’t want to show that side of me. I hide it and I am a different person in the community (that’s another BPD trait).
I have blocked him everywhere on social but because we are both on staff, we can see each other. I literally don’t look at discord when I know he might be online and I don’t look to see if he is in chat during streams. He hasn’t shown himself either, so he probably isn’t even there.
There isn’t any reason for me to have all this turmoil going on in my head.
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