I do not know how to most professionally offer my experience, for the sake of benefiting the community, so I am just going to expound information as my (currently highly erratic and tenuous) brain pleases.
-My old friends live in a way which I can no longer maintain.
-I am effectively denied access to important Citizenry details, which prevent me from working or travelling.
-My closest friends are too busy with important life responsibilities to offer me the time I need to feel less isolated.
-I am traumatised by violent and treacherous past events lain upon me.
-I am incredibly stoic and feel dishonourable when I complain or burden others with my problems. As a fervent guardian, sage and advisor to everyone I meet, I feel it is my duty to take small negatives in order to offer great positives to others - elements of efficiency, Vulcanesque mindset.
-I am unable to thrive myself, but am responsible for ensuring that 2 other humans thrive, further intensifying my Stoic endeavours.
Please forgive me for the arrogance inherent in this following bit, I intend no braggadocio.
I was born with a powerful and intuitive mind. I do not begrudge my formation, as I have never had an issue comprehending, virtually any level of, concept or discipline. However, my vast ability to think laterally or to meta-conceptually dissect the concept behind a conversation that has only just this second begun, makes it hard for me to communicate organically with others, instead forcing me to take on the persona of someone much more ‘normal’, and indeed making me seem rather intense, arrogant, or intellectually intimidating.
On top of this, the sheer volume of concepts and analyses flowing through my brian on a per-millisecond basis is staggeringly overwhelming, even at the best of times, and a great deal of my energy must be consigned to the dissemination of my thoughts, so as to provide the most appropriate and comfortable conversation to whomever I am with. Sometimes I am so consumed by my Council of inner dialogues, that I am unable to respond to people or continue my sentence (or in many cases, monologue) with the same quick rhythm most expect, due to small talk being so prevalent amongst their interactions, and the fact that speaking to me is more like reading a book.
I have gotten off-track, which is impressive considering I do not know what my Track even was… The real problem is that I do not just feel powerless, I truly am powerless to combat many of the pressures currently assailing me… but having very few options regarding peple to vent to… is hurting me.
I have been becoming consistantly more isolated and incapable of normal life for about 10 years now, and my Daoist training and personal discipline are beginning to wear incredibly thin. Each year I am amazed at the fact that I am even less able to act worthily than that point before which I thought to be rock-bottom. Now I have gone a few steps beyond what I know know was indeed rock-bottom. I have been compensating by knowing that I am a good person and that I can do many things rather well, also with meditation and keeping a universal perspective… but my compensations… they do not outweigh my despair, and have not for a couple years or more. I am truly scared.
All of which makes me feel as though I have failed to the Jesus-esque figure I always knew I was. (seriously not being arrogant, I really mean that in a sincere and personality-based way, but FYI - i mean human jesus, not happy hippy bible jesus)