It hurts so much...I have no idea how this will ever get better

[connerm1219]

So everybody probably knows by now…fiancé left…she’s done with me…she’s not coming back, and she was truly everything to me…

I grew up in a broken home. Mom was and still is a guilt tripping alcoholic, dad was absent for so long, had a string of abusive step fathers, and all the while mom pushed me to the side.

I was raised believing I’m a genius. That everything comes naturally to me. But as I got older, my mental illness started to rear it’s ugly demonic head…I ended up dropping out of high school, getting my equivalency, and going into and promptly dropping out of college…

I dated my first girlfriend for four years, in a toxic abusive relationship that was kept secret from our families. It got so bad that she would cut herself and send photos to me, saying things like look what you made me do…

I broke my fist against a wall when this ex came into my work with the new boyfriend that she’d cheated on me with…this injury resulted in a $3000 dollar surgery and such intense physical pain, that I’d perpetually vomit. I couldn’t eat, so I couldn’t take my painkillers, so I couldn’t feel better.

Enter, marijuana. I started smoking to help my stomach and ease my pain. If you’ll believe it, with my broken hand, my mom would grind my weed up for me. She’d let me smoke on our back porch all day every day.

Eventually, weed ruled my life. I would hit six or seven or eight dabs a day. Spend hundreds of dollars a week.

That started to change when I met my ex fiancé. She pushed me to be a better person, to become who I knew I could be.

She was my everything. And my addictive personality, my mental illness, and my absolute lack of real relationship experience resulted in me completely disregarding her past traumas and her feelings. I let my desire for escapism trump her importance to me in my life.

And now she’s gone.

It’s been such a long road to get to where I am. But it feels like the road has been a steep decline into Hell.
Nothing means anything to me anymore. All there seems to be is pain. All there ever was, was pain. All there ever will be, is pain.

I’ll be alone forever. I’ll hurt, forever. And a part of me believes I deserve it.

It hurts so much. I don’t know what to do. I think constantly of suicide. I look at my bottle of antidepressants and I think “how many would I have to take?”

I’m in the absolute darkest place of my life. And it feels like it’s only gotten darker and darker from the beginning to now.

When will it ever end…when will I get better…when will all of my pain subside, and When will I find some kind of real happiness…

God fucking damn it, it hurts so very much…

[ForzaRacer]

thank you for sharing. I am new to the community so i am unaware of past post made.

Break ups are hard and someone that takes a break up easy was never in love in the first place. losing a fiance and a best friend in one is no easy task. you start thinking about them and what it would be like if they were with you and you go through the guilt of i should have done better. doing all of this puts you in a dark place and causes other effects as well.

One thing that has helped before is remembering what made you happy while in the relationship and doubling down on doing that. also, it’s ok to have memories because those shape our story. maybe take some time to think about what you learned about yourself while in this relationship and what you were taught and remembering that it is all for a reason beyond the present pain.

[Micro]

Hey @connerm1219,

I’m so sorry you are hurting that much. It’s not fair. I would I could just find a magic wand to make to it all easy, better and peaceful for you, right now in an unknown time. But, as a random stranger, I can only show up and remind you that you are so much worthy of that fight. So please, hold on. Keep reaching out. Keep taking it VERY easy, very little, very slow as long as it is needed. But also, please trust us when we want to remind you that you don’t belong in this darkness, and you are not made to be stuck in it.

You have fought for so long. Given your story, it makes absolutely sense how this breakup just doesn’t bring you into a “normal” grief because of the loss, but also to question just your ability to keep on coping and living. This person was kind of a beacon of light in your life. She gave you hope and she helped you have faith in yourself again. Losing her is like losing the spark that was pushing you forward.

This is a very challenging time for you, for very valid and understandable reasons. Though I would like to emphasize something. This relationship helped you. This person was a pillar of strength to you. But that strength has ALWAYS been part of you. Believe me or not. Relationships and encounters that we have the opportunity to have in our life can bring the best or the worst out of us. But it doesn’t create something we’re not already. It only brings the right context, the right environment, the right safety net and amount of trust. You needed that at the time and found it. Somehow lost it because there was a lack of reciprocity. But you haven’t lost yourself with her.

You need to give yourself some grace, friend. It sounds that she was hurting, and it’s unfortunate that she didn’t find the space to see that being acknowledged in your relationship. But you were hurting too and was trying to cope. That’s what addictions are about: coping, but in the long run feeling trapped too. It’s human. And when two people are in a relationship but struggling deeply, it can be so, so hard and challenging to give space to both heart and pain as well. It’s exactly what could have costed my own relationship several times. We learn, friend. We make mistakes too. But through it all, and especially while we are hurting, we need to also acknowledge that things can be very complex sometimes, and trying to figure it out is a messy process.

You won’t be alone forever, unless you decide so. But if you are honest iwth yourself: that statement is not something you actually know. It’s the reflection of how you feel. It feels like being freaking stuck and doomed. It is more than valid to feel that way. But it the reflection of who you are as a human being, or which directions your life is going to follow. From here to a couple of months, a lot can happen already. But please, not death. Death doesn’t deserve you. This pain doesn’t deserve you. This breakup is painful and extremely challenging, but it can also become a new door to open for different life choices, once that would put yourself and your well-being as a priority - to get help, to learn to cope differently in the long run as well. Pain is part of life, but it doesn’t have to condition it entirely or all of our actions.

Allow yourself to feel that pain and not to run away from it. But please do it safely, and keep in mind that even if you don’t necessarily control how you feel, your heart doesn’t control you either.

You are so much worthy of life, care, compassion, patience and love. It’s a journey to learn to give those things to yourself, finally. But it’s also the most beautiful path you could learn to follow.

Don’t give up on yourself. You are needed in this world.

[connerm1219]

I do feel doomed…I feel so broken…

My self worth as a whole is nonexistent…I have no idea how to be kind to myself…all I can think is that this situation I’m in is my fault…that I only have myself to blame.

I feel exhausted, on a level I never thought possible…I just wish I could sleep for months and not wake up until I’m better…

I don’t feel worthy of love…I don’t feel worthy of anything…the only reliable thing I’ve seemed to have in my world is pain. And I guess resilience, too…but it’s so hard to be grateful for such a thing when it feels so hopeless…

The last thing in this world i would ever want is to be alone forever…I’d choose death before I chose permanent isolation…

I’m just so tired…like I’ve been fighting for my entire life in one form or another, and she was my respite from the fight…I didn’t have to feel like that when she was around…

But now that she’s gone, it’s like you said. It’s more than your typical grief…it’s Hellish, in the most literal sense of the word…like every ounce of hope has been taken from me, and all that’s left is the nihilism and thoughts of suicide…

I have no idea how I’ll ever find that strength, love, and compassion within myself…it’s like a storm rages within me constantly, but no one else even feels a drizzle of it…the weight of the world itself is bearing down on me…

I genuinely hope that you and everyone else in my life is right…that I really am worthy…that I really will find my way out of this…

Thank you for caring…people Ike you get me through the day…

[Ashwell]

Hi connerm1219.
I feel you. You are in terrible and awful place. I just want you to know that we are here for you when you need us. Your pain is unimaginable I know and despite my share of suffering in life I cant even begin to imagine what you are going through. But please hear me. Take your time and take as much as you need to grief. You need time and you need love and support. You deserve it. Please believe that you do because I believe it. You feel broken right now because you are. You feel tired because you are exhausted and you feel doomed because you have just gone through hell. You need to recover and heal from that. I know it is not much but as I said we are here for you. Dont be afraid to ask for support when you feel like you cant go on. We will try our best I promise.

[connerm1219]

Can y’all truly promise me this will get better…? Obviously, no one can know how long it will take, only that it will take a long time…

Do ya promise that all my pain and struggle will be worth it…? I’m not hoping for some grand paradise, or a reward for my fighting or something else ridiculous like that…

I just wanna be happy, if only sometimes…

[Ashwell]

Hi connerm1219
I cant promise you things will 100% get better because I cant see the future. What I know is that time heals and this too shall pass. It will take time and a lot of it but it will get better. No pain lasts forever. The scars will be there but the wounds will heal and the pain will fade. You will eventualy find other people that you will care about and you will hold them close and care for them like none other would because you know the pain of losing someone who you held dear and who had left you.