It is back , my life , my reality

So it is back , it is my life my reality .
The past two days haven’t been my best . My boyfriend told me stuff that’s happening in his life , I of course feel bad, but at the same time I feel frustrated . Well, because of what was done to him by his father . Yet this is the second time this has happened to him . And after awhile I told my self I need to be there more for him then I was because I never will know when his father won’t be living near him . And it just hit me like it is my fault , everything I do is my fault , my life is my fault , what I do is my fault . That I should just effing die . It just put me in a deep warm hole because I felt like I should of done better for my boyfriend .
Fast forward to today , I had my iep meeting and a thing that came up was talking about getting my license and permit . Yet I’m 19 and I don’t want neither of them. Then my mother goes on to explain I have anxiety (which is true) and the lady turns to me and says you need to break the ice and get it . And my dad agrees with her and I’m starting to shed a tear . But yet I don’t start doing more then one , it feels like I’m forced to get something I DONT want. I’m not being lazy or anything . So then after awhile of doing my class work I had to go do something else and I just Start crying and The suicidal thoughts and the relapse thoughts happens. I wanted to do it so badily . Fast forward I excuse myself to go to the bathroom , and I whisper to myself “it’s my fault , it’s my fault , I should just die” I came back to class and barely finished my work because I was unable to focus . I ended up staying in that class for lunch , barely ate anything . I wanted to puke because of what I was dealing with and I didn’t want to eat . I never really eat when I’m upset so that’s probably why . Teacher ended up giving me muffins and I took them to next class, I ended up snapping at someone and they didn’t like it . And it’s just these thoughts of ITS MY FAULT that have been getting to me also . I don’t know what to do . I don’t want to resort to self harm and I don’t want to die even tho I feel like I want to . I’m done. I truly am …


Hey friend, thanks for sharing.
First off, let me say it’s not your fault. Most of the times our choices don’t lead to the perfect ending and we feel like we did it wrong. It’s not true. It’s completely ok to make mistakes, but you didn’t. The last few days have been really hard for you and it’s easy to lose focus.

I also suggest to look for a close friend to reach out to, and potentially seek professional help. Whenever you feel in need, don’t forget we’re here for you.

Love you

thanks i do seek a therapist. i dont see her for another 3 weeks i believe.

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