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It is getting hard

trigger warning:
abuse, self-harm, suicide

hi. some backstory before i share my “story”.
i’m a teenage girl [she/her] with g.a.d and depression. i’m going to be screened for autism soon. currently enrolled in public high school. i’m hoping to major in vfx / animation after high school. i love marvel and agents of shield, both huge comfort things to me.

i had a best friend from 3rd grade to 7th grade. we were inseparable, sharing the same hobbies and going to the same school. her parents were getting divorced early into our friendship, she would usually tell me about it. i feel it is important to share this because it could impact what happened, but i don’t believe it is an excuse.

around 5th grade, she began to change. i was slowly being isolated from my friends without my knowledge, by her. my teacher noticed, and told my parents. i was 10 - 11, and i thought it was mean and rude.

so i ignored it.

but it continued to get worse. i was eventually being called names. i was being made fun of. going into 6th grade, the friendship grew to what would be considered as, abusive. i was constantly name called, manipulated, made fun of for my interests and beliefs, called me fat, made of fun of my fear of my food allergy. along with being continually isolated, she was controlling me and i had no escape. i had to listen to her or i would get hurt. i had to do what was okay for her. i had to comply with her. if i didn’t, she would get mad. her true side would come out.

around this time, she told me she had googled “how to remove blades from a disposable razor” for fun. about a week later i discovered she was cutting herself. i confronted her about it and told her i wouldn’t tell her or my parents. at school, she would tell me how it felt good. she would show me her scars, she would ask me to touch them. i can still vividly remember being in the school courtyard sitting. my peers yelling and laughing. and i was sitting. being shown her scars, and being asked to touch them. i can still feel it.

i’m having a hard time typing this out. there is a lot of gray area of events that my brain has blocked out. one that recently came but was when she edited me over a suggestive image from the hamilton musical and refused to delete it in our skype dms.

currently, i’m going to try and get screened for complex ptsd. i fit all the symptoms and have a very strong feeling i have it.

she has invaded my dreams. i’m haunted with constant nightmares of everything. she had asked me to date her, and i wonder. if i had agreed, would she have stopped? did i deserve everything that happened? was it even abuse? was it my fault?

recently it has been hard to wake up. everything is a trigger. i cannot see cuts. i’m wary of people with long black hair. i can’t hear about her interests. i can’t hear her name.

it is getting harder to deal with everything. i have thought about giving up, it is an option at the moment. i don’t know what to do.

Hey there,

First of all let me say that you reaching out on the forum is a big step and you are a brave person for doing so. I’m sorry that your friend is treating you this way. Though they may be going through their own things, this is not how a friend should treat another friend. There is no excuse for her bullying you and that is not fair to you especially since you still take the time to comfort her when she has not earned that level of respect from you. Her using cutting as a reason to control you and take you down is not right and that is not fair.

Let me recommend two resources that HeartSupport provides that are completely free to you to use.
The first is the book ReWrite that focuses on Self Harm and the effects is can have on others. It has a section on friends/family of people who cut and I think you can benifit from reading it:

The second one is a free trial to BetterHelp, with this link you can get 7 days of free conseling by a licensed professional and see if they can help you deal with the things that are triggering you:

Hope this helps, Keep us updated,