Hi my name is Ash you may know me as Ashandis. But there has been quite a lot stuck in my head and I should have wrote this sooner but I keep trying to write it and than erasing it. I also have been trying to pull myself to just keep going but right now that isnt working out right. Let me explain.
Lately lots just ends up a mess I am a mess and it feels like that mess just keeps coming out worse and worse. I need to go back Friday was great and I mean a wonderful day. Saturday however was not so good. It started with sleeping horribly and than feeling like crap all day. I was anxious and panicky all day. I should add that on Thursday my dog keep not coming too me and it upset me it was like the last straw for the day because throughout that day I had been anxious over tons first we tried to go swimming (water is my biggest fear and for sure when cold) well I panicked and freaked out and than after that I got a box from my mom that made me anxious because I was worried about what could be in it. That ended in the whole Jake not coming to me and my fears were up so I got really upset and just broke down. I got told by someone I was overreacting and that just made my mind go to a not so good place. All of Saturday I was trying to find the thought of how unimportant I am. Like it doesnt even matter I am not important whats going on is not important. Thursday night kind of was where it started I got into a deep bit of believing I am unimportant and that truly it didnt matter. I fought to just not go find away to end it. My mind was so dark and it was so hard to fight off all the negative talk from anxiety and etc… Friday was the good day. Saturday I woke up in a weird state of being very dizzy. I felt very anxious and upset. It was weird I had a horrible mind set all day and it was horrible i felt so unimportant. I just felt like it is unimportant all of this is unimportant. I keep asking myself why do you thing these issues are important why are you important and there was nothing. I wanted to just go be so stupid and not be able to come back from. I hated feeling this way but that is how unimportant I felt in that moment. I truly felt like whats the use it isnt important. I have been struggling to say that I am important or to see it. I feel like so much that I am just not deserving of the same love. I am struggling with that. I also keep struggling with the idea that I just overreact according with someone. Like that just made me feel like a freak and that how can I be important if all I do is overreact at stuff. Did I ask for my mind to be this way did I want this nope. I felt like I was being thrown a statement that really hurt. Sunday was about normal for me. Today again I have been off all day and I felt like I was stupid and worthless and stuff. I have been so anxious. At one point during the day we were out training dogs (service dogs in training) and a balloon popped (a trigger for me) and I started panicking and became anxious. Someone said to me just learn to get over the triggers. I am like that is abuse years of it coming out. I am upset and still tonight trying to fight that thought of being unimportant.
So overall I feel very much that I am unimportant and that nothing that is going on is important. Truly if you made it this far sorry about all that you are reading and all the weird stuff. Just know thank you for any and all love honestly i just feel like a worthless piece of crap right now. It really sucks so much right now. I am sorry that this is kind of ramble but I am just everywhere with my thoughts and they wont stop. Some stuff is going right but than others suck and hurts so much.
Thanks for reading