Hi my name is Ash you may know me as Ashandis. But there has been quite a lot stuck in my head and I should have wrote this sooner but I keep trying to write it and than erasing it. I also have been trying to pull myself to just keep going but right now that isnt working out right. Let me explain.
Lately lots just ends up a mess I am a mess and it feels like that mess just keeps coming out worse and worse. I need to go back Friday was great and I mean a wonderful day. Saturday however was not so good. It started with sleeping horribly and than feeling like crap all day. I was anxious and panicky all day. I should add that on Thursday my dog keep not coming too me and it upset me it was like the last straw for the day because throughout that day I had been anxious over tons first we tried to go swimming (water is my biggest fear and for sure when cold) well I panicked and freaked out and than after that I got a box from my mom that made me anxious because I was worried about what could be in it. That ended in the whole Jake not coming to me and my fears were up so I got really upset and just broke down. I got told by someone I was overreacting and that just made my mind go to a not so good place. All of Saturday I was trying to find the thought of how unimportant I am. Like it doesnt even matter I am not important whats going on is not important. Thursday night kind of was where it started I got into a deep bit of believing I am unimportant and that truly it didnt matter. I fought to just not go find away to end it. My mind was so dark and it was so hard to fight off all the negative talk from anxiety and etc… Friday was the good day. Saturday I woke up in a weird state of being very dizzy. I felt very anxious and upset. It was weird I had a horrible mind set all day and it was horrible i felt so unimportant. I just felt like it is unimportant all of this is unimportant. I keep asking myself why do you thing these issues are important why are you important and there was nothing. I wanted to just go be so stupid and not be able to come back from. I hated feeling this way but that is how unimportant I felt in that moment. I truly felt like whats the use it isnt important. I have been struggling to say that I am important or to see it. I feel like so much that I am just not deserving of the same love. I am struggling with that. I also keep struggling with the idea that I just overreact according with someone. Like that just made me feel like a freak and that how can I be important if all I do is overreact at stuff. Did I ask for my mind to be this way did I want this nope. I felt like I was being thrown a statement that really hurt. Sunday was about normal for me. Today again I have been off all day and I felt like I was stupid and worthless and stuff. I have been so anxious. At one point during the day we were out training dogs (service dogs in training) and a balloon popped (a trigger for me) and I started panicking and became anxious. Someone said to me just learn to get over the triggers. I am like that is abuse years of it coming out. I am upset and still tonight trying to fight that thought of being unimportant.
So overall I feel very much that I am unimportant and that nothing that is going on is important. Truly if you made it this far sorry about all that you are reading and all the weird stuff. Just know thank you for any and all love honestly i just feel like a worthless piece of crap right now. It really sucks so much right now. I am sorry that this is kind of ramble but I am just everywhere with my thoughts and they wont stop. Some stuff is going right but than others suck and hurts so much.
Hey there @Artislife ,
i am so sorry you are going through this and dang this must suck i know your going through a patch of a rough time . just so your loved by this amazing community, you’ve been there for me and now its my time to do that for you. just so you know you ARE important . and im sorry your dog jake didnt come to you . no matter what i will always be here for you ash.
wow this person who told you this doesn’t truly know what you have been through. just know its human to react … we may be human but we have emotion … my Pm’s will always be open for you . love you friend. remember to hold fast and you’re worth it!
-Ashley
It is okay to be Anxious. It is a part of you and you can’t control it. I may not get as much in the anxious department as you. Yet I still get anxious a lot. I’m glad you have a pet. I do not, but I learn that if something familiar is with me where I am uncomfortable that I can tolerate being uncomfortable. So I usually have a friend or someone I know with me in situations where I am anxious.
My anxiety comes from being in large groups or around strangers. At times my anxiety overwhelms me so I find the best way to handle it is to leave the situation that is stressing me out & increasing my anxiety. I find at times if I take a minute or two timeout from the point that triggers me that I can tolerate the situation for about 20 minutes.
Sometimes when a situation may trigger my anxiety and I feel it may overwhelm me then I just avoid it. I also find that distraction helps greatly. A fidget spinner/cube, stress snake/ball has also helped me. If you’re a bookworm or active on your phone this may help as well. It does for me.
When anxiety panics overtake me, I find taking a hot (sometimes to the point of scalding) water soothes me. So I suggest anything that you find that soothes your anxiety to do it. I don’t know if you take meds for it, but I suggest talking to your doctor about it if possible. Sometimes a change in dosage or switching meds can help. I only know that because I’ve had it done with my meds when Anxiety became a problem. I hope you get better and learn to cope with your anxiety.
Ash, you are important to me. I wish things were going more smoothly for you, and I’m sad you are having to deal with people around you who don’t take your issues seriously on top of everything else. I want you to know you are valued and loved. I am proud of you for being strong and not letting the dark thoughts carry you away. I’m glad you were able to share this. You ARE important and you deserve respect and understanding. I’m here to listen and you can ramble if you need to, it is okay and we love you. I love you, hold fast.
I’m sorry I can’t be of more help Ash but I LOVE YOU.
YOU ARE IMPORTANT. You’re a HUGE light in this community and you have helped SO MANY people, myself included through some of our lowest points. You’re not worthless and you’re certainly not a freak.
You struggle with ANXIETY Ash, that’s not overreacting… I’m sorry you were told to “get over the triggers” when you were in the midst of a panic attack, that’s horrible. You’re so strong, and you can get through this.
Sometimes we can’t avoid our triggers and we have to go through all the emotions and it sucks, but it’s also what helps us to learn and grow… You’re doing amazing, keep fighting.
Dear Ash,
Somewhere along the line you have started putting feelings as more important than facts. You have been taught that your sustenance is in Whose you are, not in how you perform. Reach to remember that no matter how you feel, the true compass is found by reminding yourself that you are loved, that truth is stronger than feelings, and that sometimes bad things happen to good people…and sometimes bad things happen because we make poor choices. But, that is never the end, because we all grow and learn and have the capacity to step outside of what feels yucky and face our fears and continue taking steps towards good and wholeness, forgiveness, and grace.
God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. When we veer from what is true and good and God, we are more easily tricked in our minds.
We need to make the wise choice.
We can trust God no matter what.
We need to treat others the way we would want to be treated.
If a disappointment causes us to falter and the second disappointment causes us to stumble, and a third knocks us down, then we pray for resilience, for stamina, for security in God and that He can be trusted…no matter what.
It is never too late to remember from where we have come. Even if you do not feel loved, that does not negate the fact that you ARE GREATLY LOVED. Glad you finally got the dog you dreamed of, even if he disappoints, pees on the carpet, and chews the curtains…dogs do dog things.
Momma Marie
Good morning Ash, I hope that you are in a great place, full of faith in God this morning, knowing Whose you are, and choosing moment by moment to walk the path He created you for. There is such peace in that! The Bible tells us to “take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ” and so much of life is choosing how we think, how we react, how we talk, how we pray. If a thought is a fearful one, then break apart whether it is a ‘fake fear’ or a ‘real fear that will keep you safe.’ If it’s pretty fake and just stirred up to bring you down, then cast it aside and choose not to think about it…bounce your eyes! If it’s a real fear (lean back when you look over the Grand Canyon so you don’t fall, slow down on walking on the ice, etc), then respond to the real fear to keep you really safe by an action or a choice. And, sometimes, we hand each thing that concerns us to God, asking for wisdom for each decision, asking for guidance on how to spend our paycheck, how to spend our extra time. By saying “yes” more and more to God and his wisdom, our muscles get strong in faith, and we thrive. By saying ‘no’ to satan, he pulls back over time and knows he can’t get in. LOVE YOU!!!
Marie