So lately I’ve been in kind of a slump. I really don’t know how to explain it, but I’ve been really low this past week. There’s just been so much that I’ve been internalizing and I can’t seem to hold it in much longer. I feel like I’m in a maze. Like no matter what I do I’ll always end up right back where I started. Even if I have a good day, or a good few days even, that happiness that I felt seems to go away shortly there after. I’ve been keeping a lot in because I don’t want to bother anybody with what I think or feel because I feel like what I think and/or feel doesn’t matter. I’m not an important person so why should my thoughts and emotions be important? I’ve come to terms with this a while ago. For at least 2 years I’ve became very good at hiding the true pain I feel inside every day. If those around me won’t believe me when I cry out for help then why bother trying to get help anymore? For the past month I’ve been having thoughts about relapsing into self harm, but they don’t bother me anymore. They happen at least once a week so I’ve gotten pretty used to them. Now it doesn’t make it easier to go through, but the thoughts aren’t plaguing me like they used too. I’m also starting to have thoughts of death and me not being here anymore. These are much more bothersome. But again, if nobody will hear my cry for help why cry at all? I feel like I’m just wasting my breath. This is my life. I feel like I need to hide my true self because it’s not what my dad wants to see in his child, and as a result, doesn’t. He just sees it as attention seeking. So, that being said, I’m just feeling content with where I’m at. I shouldn’t feel this way, but I’ve been hurt so much in this way that I do. If this is how the ones close to me see me than why not just be this way? I hide my emotions behind a smile and a laugh. It’s getting harder to do that. I’m sorry I can’t be the fully honest person I wish I was. I’m sorry I vent so much. If you don’t want to put up with me anymore just say so. I’ll stop talking about this stuff. I’ve done it for many people in my life so what’s another right? This is my life. And that’s all there is to it.
i know bottling things seems like an easy fix, but maybe try seeing a therapist or using a crisis line for some guidance. i know talking to a professional really helps manage these emotions and helps you work through it. if someone sees this as seeking attention, their opinion doesn’t matter and i know it’s hard because it’s family, but that’s even more of a reason why he shouldn’t treat you like that. you are not alone, i hear you.