It´s me, again... (It says the title is too short so just ignore this)

Hi, I´m just here so I don´t keep this to myself, I know some of you will read this but don´t bother in replying me, I´ve tried a lot of times and discovered that no matter what you tell me, I won´t change.

With that being said, I wanted you to know that I am a liar and I´ve been lying to my “loved” ones for over a year.
I don´t know how but no one noticed it until now, I ran out excuses, I don´t any other escape but I´m too coward to face the truth.
I feel like the only way to get out of this is by killing myself, I´ve tried to think that someday everyhting will get better but… what is it that´s going to get better?

The change can´t only happen in me, everything around me needs to change and even then I´m sure depression will remain

I don´t have friends, I can´t trust anybody, if I post here it´s because I know none of you know who I am in real life.
I´m tired, tired of waking up, tired of keep lying, I´m sick of myself and everyone around me.
I live in a dark whole and the only one to blame for that it´s me.

The worst part is that when I arrive at my house I will have to put a smile on my face and pretend everything´s fine, that is devastating.

I ran out of space in my forearm to cut myself, I tried burning but it´s not the same.
I feel empty but my head feels like it´s going to blow up with all my shit.

Thank you for reading.

1 Like

Hey @fuecris14,

Killing yourself is not the only way out. In fact, suicide completely eliminates the possibility of getting out because you won’t be there to witness yourself making it out of the valley and onto the mountaintop. So please keep holding on.

That being said, you mentioned that no matter what people tell you that you won’t change? Is it because you don’t want to change or is it because you feel like you can’t change? This will give me some insight on how to address what’s going on.

In the meantime, I would highly recommend for you to consider seeking professional help and someone to talk to. There’s no shame in doing this. It takes a strong person to admit that they have a problem and want to seek help. If you don’t want to talk to anyone face-to-face, there are also a plethora of online counseling businesses that can help as well.

Please keep us updated. You’re strong and we believe in you!


Hi friend,

You are not worthless. And even if you won’t believe me, there’s always a way out.

I think that you should look for professional help (don’t be afraid or ashamed of doing this!) and find someone to talk about the issue. Remember that you’re not alone in this, even when you feel like that.
Changing is scary, and everyone can change. You just need to make it happen. Take things slowly, take one step at a time, as there’s always a way out.

As far as everything else goes, there is always forgiveness for everything. No one is perfect, and we all have something we don’t feel proud of: however, it’s for this that Jesus sacrificed himself. You should reach out to your loved ones, I believe they’ll understand completely the reasons behind your actions.

Please keep us updated, you are loved

Pioggia :sunflower:

Hi there friend.
Friend, if there is still breath in your lungs right now there is hope. There is hope for you to change and to get better. Don’t let the darkness become you. there is always a way out. Sometimes we have to tell our fear of reaching out to shut up. We can’t let it control us. Yes, easier said than done, but reaching out it worth it. It may be hard but eventually it becomes easier the more we do it. Even just reaching out here on the Heart Support wall is a step to victory!
Friend, i encourage you to give what you’re feeling to God. He loves you and wants to heal you. It’s not always an easy process but it’s worth it.
Killing yourself is never the answer. The world is better with you in it. Stay strong. God’s got you.

What change is it that you’re looking for in you and in your surroundings?
What truth is it that you’re wanting to avoid?
What have you been lying about?

Getting some of those thoughts out of your head and onto paper will be helpful for us to talk about whats really weighing you down

Just because you can’t change isn’t a reason to lose the will to live. I haven’t changed one bit and I decided to live. You can try to change or you can accept yourself as you are. If you look for it you can survive and cope with your state. I know because I do and have.

This is pretty much me in a nutshell. There are wounds, voids and a darkness that will never be resolved and worse they most likely never be healed. It is truly hard when you want the suffering to stop and it doesn’t. This still isn’t a reason to end one’s life.

I am the opposite. I use to be a burner. I tried cutting but it wasn’t enough for me. Mainly because the cutting sensation is instant and it is actually something that I feel at times when I use to dream. So I think this is why most cutters are cutters. They feel dead inside and just need to feel something or they feel guilt and they feel punished so they get their relief. I’m not downplaying cutting at all. I’m just revealing my opinion on cutting. (If I miss something please let me know)

(The reason I chose burning is that I hated how the sensation of cutting was instant (at least to me). I wanted something that would remain afterward like how there is an aftertaste when you drink alcohol. I felt dead inside while feeling anger. So that was another reason. Cutting to me felt cold & dead while fire felt alive. The final reason is even though I wasn’t diagnosed at the time I use to wake up, blackout or whatever. I’d appear places I don’t remember traveling to and there were times I couldn’t tell when I was asleep or awake. So you see I knew the cutting sensation because I felt it in my sleeping hours and it was normal for me.)

(Anyways) I understand this feeling. What you need is an outlet. You need to relieve all the stress you have. I can give recommendations, but really you should find out yourself because only you know how to relieve yourself. This is why I always tell people to learn about themselves. (To date themselves. To accept themselves.) Only you know what is exactly a working method for you.

Killing yourself won’t resolve anything. Not even your suffering. (History of all suicides prove this)

Hey @Eric

I feel like I can’t change, I’ll try to explain it:

Picture yourself in an empty room, there’s no door, just a small window and through the window you can see everyone being succesful at whatever they’re doing, but you’re just trapped in that room.
You could get use to it, but there’s no way to get out.

And about seeking professional help, I have a small step brother, who got help because he had a “bad attitude”, and my father got really mad about it, he thought it was useless to get him help, if the kid wasn’t able to behave properly it was his fault and he shouldn’t need help because that’s for crazy people (my brother’s only 7).
My brother only had a bad attitude, imagine what would happen to me if I tell him that every single night I think of killing myself and that I need help, he might never want to see me again. I don’t want that.

-I can’t give you a concrete answer for that first question.
-I dropped out of school, no one knows that, no one would forgive me for that.
-I’ve been lying about that. I hate lies, but I’ve been telling them for over a year, what does that make me?

Well, I appreciate you deciding to share that truth with us, man. I don’t see you as a failure or as a disgrace or as a disappointment. I know it might sound crazy but I see you as courageous – 1) to make a controversial decision that you know others might not approve of and have the courage to do it anyways, and 2) to open up to us about it now, especially after hiding for so long in lies, to come out and share the truth is actually harder the more you lie, so you had to have a ton of courage to open up. I see you, and I accept you, and I’m proud of you – as weird as that might sound. You’re not crazy for what you’re doing and what you’ve done.