I just keep trying to make everything work out and be okay. I am always in the cycle of everything being good and working out and then overnight changing. I work my hardest and do the best I can but it’s never enough. I gave up everything for a company that just feels like no matter what I always fuck everything up. I try so fucking hard to do the right thing and bust my ass but it is never enough. I try so fucking hard to just be okay and not be all fucked. No one ever gets me and those who do always head out. I try so hard to be everything everyone needs me to be. I just don’t have a place to be ever. Never had a place I belonged. Where I was wanted or felt like I was appreciated there. I just want to be loved so fucking bad. I just want to have a normal life. A family. Friends, all of it. I do all I can every day to try to be normal and try to have friends but it’s never enough. I’m always pushed off by people I would do anything for. It’s like everyone is just waiting for the signal to just fucking leave. Or just change up. I have so much love to give and so much to offer but I’m always just kicked to the curb. I’ve never belonged anywhere. I’ve lived somewhere new every 2.8 months on average. I just am so tired of never being good enough. Never being special to anyone. I just feel so fucking worthless and rejected. I started writing a recap of my life when I kill myself. Then anyone who actually is curious can understand. Chances are someone will want it, read a sentence or two then just put it in a drawer of clutter to be disregarded later. I’m just so sick of being so fucking useless and worthless and meaningless to so many people
Man, I’m sorry dude. I hate to see that you’re struggling so much. I don’t want to repeat what I said on the other posts and be a broken record but know that someone cares. Someone sees you.
It’s totally understandable that you cant feel like you belong and have trouble finding friends when you can’t stay at one place for more than a couple of months, that takes time!
Why can’t you stay at one place for longer than that?
You are exhausted. And it’s totally understandable.
I read your previous post. And from an outsider perspective, it’s obvious that your current work environment is not healthy. Working 16-20 hours per day and having 2-4 hours of sleep? This is not about you, friend. Not about your determination or not being good enough. You’re actually proving how much motivated you are right now. But those conditions are objectively hard. It would be hard for anyone. And I’m sorry to write this… I know it’s not pleasant, maybe not what you want to hear either. I’m not questioning your life choices at all. But I want you to know that how you feel, in regards of life circumstances right now, makes totally sense. It’s not your fault. Everybody would be affected in the same situation.
There are questions you can ask yourself in regards of what you expressed here. What is being “good enough” for you? Is it about your work, personal projects, or something else? How would you be validated in this thought of being “good enough” or not - do you want it to come from yourself, others, both at the same time? (…) Finding your own responses could help you to think about some healthy steps to take for yourself.
There’s an exercise here on the SW that could be interesting to you, if you want to take a look at it and use it as a start: https://forum.heartsupport.com/t/what-i-have-to-offer-is-meaningless-who-i-am-is-worthless/14153/5
You are not worthless, friend. But you are not shown this truth by people in your life right now. Which is different. But it will never take away your own worth. And you can always see value in yourself, regardless of what others think.
What you just said about writing about your own experience made me think about @DyllonKG, who’s a streamer on Twitch (twitch.tv/dyllonkg). They actually wrote and shared about their own experience with mental health, and I remember them sharing about questioning the utility of doing it. Maybe it could be worth it for you to catch up on their stream and talk about that. They’re really supportive and provide very helpful insights.
You belong, friend. In this world, in this community. You are not alone. And you are loved.
Hang in there.