It wasnt my first friend to take their life but i

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It wasn’t my first friend to take their life but I was in a very intense DV relationship & this guy stood up to my abuser cos everyone else was scared of him. I found myself developing feelings & I wanted to tell him that I wanted to be with him. I have no idea how he felt as I never got to know as he took his life in 2007. It shattered a whole friendship group. That was the hardest as I was the first person his housemate called as we lived down the road so I decided to go but my ex stayed at home. We cut him down. It was just awful & it aged me, I was 27 & I have never been the same. My friends list/ phone contacts are like a graveyard. In the last like 7 years I would have to say between cancer & sui I’ve lost 15 people & 6 of my cats. And now my father is desperately ill. I can’t breathe. My hair is coming out in clumps & I can barely stomach food. I have a psychologist & a great dr but really my life is just loss, grief, moving to acceptance from depression, another loss. I haven’t even really processed losing 2 of my best friends to cancer. One in 2018 & one 2 years ago this June.
I miss them all

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Thank you so much for opening up and sharing your story with us. My heart goes out to you. I cannot imagine the grief and sorrow you have been feeling since you were 27. To have someone you love leave you purposefully, and then be responsible for the back end of their decision has to be one of the most traumatic situations a person can go through.

I am so sorry that your life has so much loss and trauma in it. You do not deserve the burden of loss, and that is not a weight that is yours to carry. It is perfectly okay to hurt and to grieve those who’ve passed on, and I’m not sure what you find yourself feeling in these situations, but none of these losses are in any way your fault. You were a bright light in every one of these people’s lives, but it is not your fault that they are not here any longer.

I am so glad that you have a great psychologist and doctor in your life to help you push through. Reaching out and seeking help is such an important first step, and you are obviously very good at taking that first step. The worst thing you could do when facing this darkness is try to bottle it all inside. I encourage you to continue sharing your story, continue sharing your pain, and continue confiding in others for help and support. Humans were made for each other- to carry each other’s burdens, to lend a listening ear, and pick each other up. We at HeartSupport are always here for you when the darkness hits home harder than before. I pray that even through your darkest seasons, you know that you are infinitely loved and that your life does have a purpose. Your story of courageously pushing through the tidal waves of hurt and loss is remarkably inspiring. I look up to your strength and your perseverance. The world is a better place with you in it. Thank you for opening up. We love you and we are always here for you.

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I’m so sorry you have experienced so much loss. I’m glad to hear that you have a good doctor and psychologist to support you! I’m sure it can still be frustrating because even with people on our support team it can take time to grieve and heal. There’s no formula or timeline for how to grieve - we have to go through the process in our own way and timeframe. I feel for you as you experience the rollercoaster of acceptance and then another loss. But you are strong and resilient and I pray you will find hope through your struggles. I’m sure that might seem impossible especially when losses keep happening. When I’ve felt like everything in my life is going wrong or that things will never get better, I’ve found prayer extremely helpful. Even when I didn’t know what to say or when I wasn’t really sure about what I believed, surrendering my worries and hopelessness and frustrations to God by being completely raw and vulnerable provided a peace that I never found elsewhere. You are not alone. I’m so glad you reached out and shared. Sharing makes the darkness less powerful. I believe in you and that you will find hope!

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I admire you for reaching out for support–after going through so much crushing heartache and struggle as you expressed, I can’t imagine the strength it would take to keep pushing through for help. You are a massive encouragement!
That’s so wonderful to hear that you have great experiences with your doctor and psychologist. I really hope that you can lean into the care and aid you are receiving from them, and I hope and pray there are other close family and trusted friends you can rely on to shoulder this burden.
I’m rooting for you in your journey of working through and healing from this heartbreak!

Thank you all so much for your beautiful words, has me in tears. One day at a time. When that’s too much one hour at a time.

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