Been a while.
But I just can figure out how to do anything anymore. Or why any of this is happening. A while ago I was in a dark place and then I was in the pretty rainbow of anxiety. And then super progress. Then a downward spiral. At first it was my own issues, just magnified by the pandemic. And then it was all about fixing those issues- re centering myself. Patching up my anxiety. There was a lot of garbage to take out when it came to that. A lot of taking out bad ideas and replacing them with good. Then came along people or situations which brought me down. It was a about weeding out who was being helpful and constructive and who was just being an ass. And the situations, well that was about trying to understand I can’t control everything or everyone.
But now with what good I had built, life took it in such a crooked and messed up way and is trying to destroy it. And I don’t mean my perception oh no. I’m being thrown curveballs and what’s worse is I have become utterly paranoid about people. A part of me thinks I shouldn’t even be here- I don’t feel okay with being the one in need. Other than that I nearly killed my grandfather and my father hates me for it… I was trying to protect my mother from a man with a knife and dementia. I feel like no one likes me at work? Which I can’t tell if its true or not or because they have known each other longer? Or? Or? Like people I do know who forget my birthday or don’t wish me merry Christmas back when I do to them. Or is it because I was born on the elusive 2 Jan nobody notices or because we had another shitty covid holiday.
I wish I didn’t take things personal. But when I don’t… I realize much later on I should have. I feel like I just had word diarrhea. I have no idea if I can even support people anymore.
and that’s that
From: twixremix
hey verona! welcome back to the forum, i’m happy to be able to connect with you again 
i’m so sorry to hear that life stole the good things you had in your life. from what you shared, it’s been a hard journey with the emotional rollercoaster life has taken you on. i always want to wish you a belated birthday, my friend. it breaks my heart that new years can overshadow your bday but if anything, i’m sending you all my love and the best of bday wishes as you take on this new age. you worked so hard on re-centering yourself and working on your anxiety, i believe in you to do it again and rise above the situations and people that brought you down. but before that, i hope you do take time to yourself to just retreat into what makes you happy (hobbies, nature walks, baking, etc.) for a bit to get your emotional strength back. you got this, my friend. love, twix
well this requires a lot of bravery on your part, and I’m sorry anyone is mad about this@ You did what you needed to to save your mom! Doesn’t really matter who the attacker was, first priority is making sure your mom was safe! Your dad could prob use some help from a professional to work through his emotions on the matter, it’s prob a matter of being scared for both of them and being unable to admit that his father could have actually seriously harmed your mom.
ah early January is right when people are getting all depressed about their bank accounts after all the festivities and shopping, works restarts, resolutions kicking in, all the usual negative emotions a lot of people struggle with. I’m sorry that your birthday gets a bit lost amidst everyone’s struggles. Happy birthday from me 
From: eloquentpetrichor
Hello, Verona2900! Welcome back 
Happy belated Birthday!!! 
I really like the imagery you painted with the “pretty rainbow of anxiety”. It sounds like an interesting way to describe it. And it sounds like you need to take a break maybe. You’ve gone through a rollercoaster of ups and downs and maybe for a bit you need to try and just stay even. Just relax and let life happen for a bit. Maybe if you take a step back you’ll find who you can trust and who you can get along with and who really isn’t worth your time.
To relax maybe find a new hobby or rediscover something you enjoy doing and devote some time to it.
May I ask about the situation with your grandfather? That sounds like it was a hard moment. What happened? Are you doing okay with it?
I hope you stick around and let us know how things progress with you or share the hobbies you do to relax and let us know how things are. Breathe
From: Lisalovesfeathers
Hi Friend, Thank you for your post, You have a lot going on that you just need to get out right? to start with, I hope putting all that down has helped a bit because you said a lot in a fairly short post compared to what you probably could have written. Life I think for us all has moments of ups and downs and some are extreme versions of that and when we have those deep lows it can feel like the the whole world is against us and everything and everyone is wrong and that is a bad feeling, its upsetting and fills you full of anxiety. Those times are so hard to overcome, talking to the people we trust, asking for help is always a good thing, learning to care for yourself and teach yourself that these are just moments in your life that will pass and will get better will help and failing that seeing your gp and maybe getting help that way. One thing you must know it that none of this is a reflection of who you are as a person, Every single person in life has good and bad times. I truly hope this business with your Grandfather got sorted out, that sounds very upsetting. Please be kind to yourself friend. Much Love Lisa x
Thanks for the kind words everyone… I wish I had something nice to say or positive and encouraging towards all of you. Not much coming out of that section of my mind lately. It adds to my " feeling useless" section. The pandemic for all of us has forced us to face ourselves in ways most of us were not ready to do. All of us. Before it- I had troubles like everyone else, right before it hit- stressed out for new job- lost a friend- death of familly members. Then during the pandemic I had stressed myself so hard to try to fix myself. Then it was survival mode. Then it was fixing others. Then it was fixing the world. Then fixing the past. Then it was fixing my position in the company to make sure I won’t get laid off a third time. ( always get called back- but you know its a stressor- tourism career) And its fix this and fix that. Like a wall that has a million holes in it and me who keeps blocking them. Put some plaster here, heals the past trauma from my parents. Put some on this one here- makes you forget what your ex friend said about you. Cover up the ones on the right- those were when you were bullied as a child. This one here is you not trusting people. That one there was a betrayal.
I’m afraid if I don’t try to constantly block those holes, its all going to crash or worse I will lose people. That’s what it seems no? When I try to fix things… it’s as if they don’t need to be fixed? As if when I do- that’s when shnoot hits the fan? Like I always try so hard when I don’t need to? Then again past experiences have proven I don’t do enough?
It’s like I have no more insight in what I am trying to do with the people or the world around me. My path is clear- my rapport and relationship with others- from family-friends to coworkers- is not?
I don’t know
Thanks for this -
My grand father 94 is beginning to lose his mind. Which is somewhat normal at his age to be honest. He has been living in his apartment walking around fully independent before. Now it was the third time he set fire to the apartment building. The second time he threw food at his neighbor. Obviously he can’t be alone anymore. My father- in denial- was just being in denial. We went- me and my parents to see him. With the frying pan that caught fire- again- he was angry at us and swung it at my mother. I was beside her and the first thing I did- withouth thinking of course was to push him backwards- which ended up with him falling and hitting his head. He was hospitalized in emergency- which is ok because apparently that didnt even crack his skull- but he attacked a nurse- and stabbed a helper with a plastic knife and is always agitated. What do you think happened? Now they keep him because he is a “danger” to himself and others- and he is getting worse.
Who do you think is blamed for having the grandfather locked up?
Hey Verona2900! I’m new to this forum but wanted to send some support your way. I don’t know a lot about anxiety and depression (although I’m walking thru it with my teen) but what little I know is it seems to ebb and flow. My teen will have upticks where life seems bright and then very quickly it can swing the other way. I’m sorry you are struggling. 
I’m going to see my dad this weekend and he is suffering from dementia. It is getting to the point where he will need to move somewhere for care to keep him (and my mom) safe. It is so hard to see this happen to our older generation.
Thinking of you, friend. 
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