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Belongs to: Therapist reacts to Staind - It's Been A While
It’s been awhile since I felt normal it’s been awhile since I can get a full night’s sleep without hearing the crys and screaming from a family in a structure fire I couldn’t get to even if I’m awake it’s faint I was a volunteer firefighter and someday are better then others I suppose this is my punishment for failure to save them
My dear friend, I am so sorry.
Guilt and self-blame are some of the worst demons that can haunt us, especially as a survivor. Those feelings can weigh us down and pull us into darker depths than we could ever imagine. The ’what if’s keep us awake and torment us, telling us that we could’ve done more, done better, even if it meant getting hurt. ’What if I got there sooner?’ ’What if I had thought of that before?’ ’What if I had gotten them out but I got left behind?’ Some nights we want to beg to trade places with others to spare them from pain and tragedy, but the truth is we can’t, and that wrecks us to the core.
The trauma from PTSD isn’t a punishment, it’s a condition that was unfairly given to you. You didn’t ask for it, nor did you wish for the outcome that occurred. If anything, you volunteered your time, energy and efforts to help those in need, to be a strong, courageous hero, even if it would cost you your life or your mind. You sacrificed a lot for the betterment of others, and you’ve been left with some scars, some are visible and others keep you up at night.
Your past tries to tell you that you deserve to be punished for your shortcomings, that your best is never good enough and that you don’t deserve forgiveness for things outside of your control. Life disappoints us when we strive to do what’s right and good in the world and we’re met with the unimaginable. We feel like we can’t go back to being the person we were before, that we’ll never feel normal again, like a ghost of the former you. Just a shell haunted by the voices that echo from the darkness.
I find it comforting that songs like these remind us that others struggle when we feel like all we do is mess up and disappoint others, unable to face who we are when all we see is a failure in the mirror. You are worthy of forgiveness for things outside of your control. You are worthy of self-love. You are worthy of peace of mind and rest for your worries. You are made of courage and strength and more bravery than most will ever know. You are more than your mistakes and shortcomings, and you are greater than the darkness.
You are certainly not alone, my friend. We are here for you. I pray that the guilt and shame be rid from your conscience and that your mind is gifted with well-deserved rest.
~ Pen 