It's been awhile

[Paladine]

I really don’t know where this should go. I barely even remember this website but hey. It’s been a long time. A lot has happened. A lot. I kind of left this community for awhile and only within the past year? did I figure out why. I blamed myself for not helping with Bianca. I think that was the name? I just know it started with a b. It’s been like four years and I feel bad I can’t remember anymore. I was 15 I think? Honestly been so long I don’t remember outside that I was in high school. But after that I blamed myself for not staying up longer and replying to her post and that caused me to slowly isolate from everyone here which eventually became the normal. Eventually I stopped completely isolating from here.

Eventually I found my gf and I’ve been healing from all the stuff I went through and with her help I realized I was blaming myself. I still do. I don’t know how to stop blaming myself in this case. I just feel bad and wrong about it. I just keep blaming myself even these four years? later. I don’t know how to end this and if this is the wrong tag or area I’m sorry. I don’t know this new system.

Looking through my profile turns out I was 17 and it was only 3 years ago. Bianka is who I’m talking about. Still feel bad I forgot even if I was close

[AliceBlue]

I want to warmly welcome you back, I’m in a sense glad that you felt comfortable having a space to come back to and to be able to share what has been hurting your heart.

It sounds like this space also holds some memories that have been weighing on you. Losing someone in that way is a deep ache and the guilt is not an easy thing to shift. I can definitely empathise and feel the same heaviness of not being there.
I think that even though this guilt clings to us, it’s important to remind ourselves that we are also victim to the pain and loss. I hate that people feel the way our friends/loved ones did and I hate that their pain stays with us.

It’s a very delicate topic to navigate. Sometimes I have to literally tell myself that if they had lost their life any other way it would not have been my fault, and so this could not be either. My hand held no part in the hurt in their life much liked yours does not.

I don’t know if you’ve had grief support in anyway, maybe it would be something that could help.
Working through grief is hard and part of that healing journey is learning to forgive ourselves.
You did not bring hurt to your friend, you did not cause the pain in their heart.

What I do know is that the moments of interaction and love have made their lives more bearable. I believe that deeply in my soul and heart.

I hope this is a season for you to be gentle with yourself and to remind yourself of the good love and joy you bring to others lives

[Paladine]

I’ve only really talked about it with Lexi (my gf) and a few other people but none of that really ever got it through with me that it wasn’t my fault. A few nights I’m able to say it wasn’t me but it always ends up with me feeling like it was. I just don’t know how to either grieve? I don’t know if grieve is right because I didn’t really know them outside of helping them a few times. I just blame myself for it. I don’t know how to not blame myself.

[Lyss]

Hey there!

First off I want to say hello again! I am glad you are back! Thank you for posting, for being open with us, we appreciate it, we don’t take it for granted.

I relate to how you are feeling so much. I started with Heart Support when I was about 16, and I went in hard. I can understand how you are feeling… it is hard to be someone who wants to help everyone, being faced with these kind of situations, at a young age as well. There have been a lot of instances where I feel as though I cold have done more to help people… but in the end that is not true.

Something I have come to accept, is we do the best we can do, unfortunately no matter how much we want to, we cannot save people. That took me so long to learn and accept. I too took a step away from Heart Support for a few years, I moved across the country, got a few new jobs, did some healing, started therapy, started seeing a doctor regularly for antidepressants and anxiety, I started to become more open, more myself. It is good to take time away, especially if it is becoming unhealthy for you to help, as it was for me for some time. I am so glad you remembered Heart Support, and reached out in your time of need, I am so glad for that.

Wanting to stay up late, wanting to do whatever it takes to make someone happy, make someone feel better… I have been there, so many times, It is such a hard thing to overcome. It is difficult to separate this part of life from others. It is somewhat easy to become obsessed with wanting to help others, and it is so easy to take it out on yourself when bad things happen.

I want you to know, it was not your fault. There was nothing more you could do to change the outcome of what happened… I know that is not easy to accept, but please know it does get easier with time and work. This was not your fault… my boyfriend has to remind me of that a lot, and personally it helps.

I am so glad you found your girlfriend, and that you have been able to heal from these things that happened. Sometimes it is easier when you have someone with you. My boyfriend has helped me so much with my way of thought, my self hate and blaming myself. I am so glad you have her. It is easy to still blame yourself after time, but please know if you just keep working, things will get better, and easier. You have already come so so far and I am so proud of you and happy for you.

Please don’t worry about the new system! It is all good! You did great! It’s understandable to be affected, even after this time. Just please know things get better, things get easier, just keep working on it, take it slow, and know we are always here.

You are so strong, brave, and awesome. Never forget that. Remember, you did the best you could, there is nothing more you could have done.

Much love to you my friend.

With love,
Lys

[Sita]

Hi Paladine,
How absolutely great to see you again here!!

We do the best we can here. You were also a child at that time, doing the best you could. The best part of being a part of a supportive community is that no one person has to bear the responsibility for some one else’s troubles. We can love, we can support, but we can only do what we can. We cannot hold ourselves responsible for the actions of others, and I’m sure your support was appreciated by everyone you’ve interacted with over the years.

I do hope you know that you deserve all the love and support of this community and in your offline world too. hopefully things have been good with you. And please also remember that it is always okay to take a step or two back whenever things are getting a bit heavy here. Our first responsibility is to take care of ourselves as well. Cant pour from an empty cup and all that.

Glad you’re here.