Its crazy that you would release this reaction tod

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Belongs to: Therapist reacts to Hot To Be Me by Ren Ft Chinchilla
It’s crazy that you would release this reaction today, on a day that I’m struggling to continue pushing forward.

This is the song that stopped me from ending it all last May. Late one night during a particularly dark period I couldn’t sleep. It was about 3 am and I felt I couldn’t continue in that much pain and I made the decision to end my pain. I had YouTube just auto playing in the background and I started writing my note and this song started playing and for some reason caught my attention. I sat there silently listening, relating to the lyrics, feeling the music reverberate through my body. When Ren got to that last verse I saw the devastation losing someone to suicide causes. As I rewatched the video I saw my friends and family sitting there singing this song and I realized no matter how much pain I’m in, I can’t force my loved ones to go through the pain of losing me like that.

That realization has caused no small amount of turmoil in my head and I’ve had to fight against bitterness and resentment, but I can’t put them through it. I do wonder sometimes how long my willpower can last, how much pain can I endure before I becomes overwhelmed and I can’t hold on. When my fear of hurting others is the only thing keeping me here through extreme physical and mental pain, how long can I hold on.

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I’m also a survivor and live with chronic pain that takes my breath away, even on major pain medication. I’m a survivor and when I saw my kids and how devastated they were I won’t do it again. Ren and his music has stopped me too. Reach out if you need someone to talk to…

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@@SandraP3796 I’m sorry that you, or anyone, has to go through and live with chronic pain. I obviously can’t know your situation, but one of the hardest aspects of my situation is the element of the unknown. The best the Doctors can tell me is that they think it’s an unknown neurological condition. They don’t know how to treat me. They have done every test they can think of with no answers. At this point pain management is the only thing they can do. It’s hard not knowing when or if this pain will end.

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@@MrNiccholas I have problems with all my joints and a number of other diseases. I’ve had chronic pain and CRPS in my right damaged arm (caused by doctors). After my arm everything went south. Neck fusion, double hip replacements, Spinal stenosis and problems with vascular and lymphodema in my legs. All the valves have stopped working properly. Need a knee replacement very soon and I’m trying to avoid it. I’m so tired of such severe pain even though I have the most amazing pain management doctor. Sorry for the essay:(. My heart goes out to you xoxo