I’m really getting to the point where I just don’t know how to be alive. I’ve been anxious and had suicidal thoughts since I was a child, and nothing has helped. I’ve been trying so hard for years and nothing has helped.
People always give me the same suggestions: Deep breathing, exercise, better sleep, ect. As if I haven’t tried freaking everything. My therapist tells me that “panic attacks aren’t dangerous” and I don’t know how to express that to me they are. If my anxiety gets bad enough I can’t think clearly, and I hit things, and I get suicidal, and it scares the shit out of me. I was clean from self harm for 5 years (in which time I suffered a ton of trauma) and I relapsed last month just because of how anxious I was. But I can’t tell anyone about that.
Idk this is all over the place but I just feel like I don’t belong in this world sometimes. Like I’ve never belonged here. I’ve always been so mentally fucked and I don’t even know why. What six year just randomly wants to harm themself?
I also just feel like I’m pretending all of the time. Like I’m just pretending to be normal. I’m out as queer but I really still pretend to be straight. I pretend to be an evangelical christian. I pretend to be a girl. I pretend to be happy. I hide my compulsions and my tics and I try to just be what everyone wants me to be but I’m NOT. I don’t know who I am anymore.
I have dreams but no energy and too much anxiety to work towards them. I feel like I’m barely hanging on. And there’s so so much else.
There’s also the fact that there’s more to me than all of this, but no one ever really cares to see it. I’m passionate about so many things. I love to talk and I have so many interests and so much to say but no one ever listens. I think that’s the main thing, really. I think I could deal with all the other shit if I wasn’t so lonely. But I don’t really have any friends. The ones I thought I had dont really care. Idk. I’m just tired.
Sorry this was long and all over the place, but idk where else I can let this out. If you made it this far, thanks for listening
First I just wanted to say thank you for being so honest and vulnerable. I know how hard that can be even on an anonymous forum. I want you to know that I see you and that I hear you. Dealing with anxiety and then adding more anxiety about having to pretend and hide who you are? That has to be so hard. One thing I want you to know is that while panic attacks might not be “immediately life threatening” like a heart attack or stroke doesn’t mean they aren’t dangerous. It sounds like maybe your therapist might not be a good fit for you. I don’t know though. But one thing is maybe you could find a therapist who is more specialized in panic attacks? It’s okay to need to change therapists. I wish people were more open about not working well with therapist and trying to find someone they do fit with.
Anyway, I hope you know that who you are without the masks and without the pretending is enough. I know it feels like you have to pretend to be accepted and maybe you live somewhere where that’s not safe where you can truly be yourself, but who you are is beautiful. I hope that you know that even though I’m just some random person online I believe in you. I’m sending you so much love and hope.
reading your thoughts, everything you’ve been facing all of these hard years, got me a bit choked up. i relate to many of your feelings from being fed up with people suggesting generic coping techniques, anxiety/panic attacks, pretending, and even the loneliness/not fitting in, you are not alone. however, i can’t even imagine the constant weight you feel daily with all of these feelings. and for that, i want to say that you now have this 25 y/o texan girl rooting for any glimpse of happiness you can find. even if you are able to drown out all of these negative emotions by distracting yourself with the things you are passionate about (which i’d love to hear about if you even wanna talk!), i think those moments of disassociating from reality for a bit are some of the happiest at least for me. we’re constantly being drowned by a static of trauma, harmful thoughts, etc. so any moments we can escape that are golden.
if i could, i would take this pain away from you in an instant after all these years you’ve carried these burdens. thank you, though, for sharing these raw emotions and thoughts. i am thankful that you are here, reading these words right now. sending you all my love and good vibes, my friend