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Ive been in a constant dissociated state for over 10 years - derealization, depersonalization. To cope i did drugs, and i ended up in a heroin addiction which nearly sent me to the grave. Lost a lot of friends to suicide, overdoses and murder, life’s been rough lately. And lonely.
On a brighter note, i’m in the methadone program now, have been for a couple years, and am on a tapering journey.
The dissociation is still there though, and i fear heroin will find a way back in my life once i’m off the methadone. That’s the devil in I.
That is a lot to be experiencing and dealing with all at once! To have depersonalization/derealization must feel so ungrounded and strange to either feel like you’re in a dream state or to have no constant identity. I will not speak like I know all that comes with those things or what your daily life is life, but I can only image it is incredibly difficult since it led you to take heroin. I am so sorry to hear about the losses you have suffered! The grief I have gone through in life has felt like a dark cloud covering everything. Does it feel like that for you too? For me, grief wraps everything in a dull or grey light and the sparks once there disapear. It almost can feel like a depression sometimes the ache of missing those people we loved so much. When that grey cloud covers everything, it reminds me to hold on tighter to those I still have, and because of my faith in Jesus, i believe I will see them again. But whatever you believe, i hope that you can carry the memories if the loved ones you have lost close to your chest. I hope they can be the motivation you need not to turn back to heroin after the methadone regiment ends. I hope you can do it for them and for yourself. The disease of addiction can take anyone and it sounds like you had good reason. But you are not alone in this fight! Props to you for working through your recovery and making it to where you are today! It sounds like you have worked so hard and fought through so much to take the steps you have taken.
Don’t give up! When this methadone treatment ends, that is not the end of your sober days. You can continue on and be stronger than ever! We believe in you! Let us know if you want to share more. I would love to hear how your treatment continues and how you THRIVE!! We’re here for you no matter what!
Well done friend for being on this program. And overall for working on your own healing. Dissociation can be such a heavy struggle that most people don’t even see happening. It’s hard to feel trap within yourself, to the point of not recognizing the reflection in the mirror or the people around you. I’ve had my share of experienced with dissociation as well due to traumas, still working on it, and it’s definitely a challenge but to stop being in this constant state of avoidance. Somehow, dissociating is a way to cope and for our mind to protect us, but can turn out to be a trap as well when it’s the first response our brain and body has to perceived threats. In this context, it makes sense to have tried to feel more, even if it was at the cost of hurting yourself along the way.
I hope you’re proud of yourself for the steps you’ve been taking. We’re definitely proud of you here. Healing is messy, painful, muddy, but it’s a path worth walking on. You got this.
