Hey my friend. Thanks so much for posting and for talking about this.
That feeling of hanging by a thread, sticking around for the sake of others - I imagine that is so difficult. I imagine that is like life having no color unless those grandkids are around. And when they’re not…eating…cleaning…taking care of yourself…you may think, what’s the point? Just going through the motions totally numb to the world.
Im sorry that you’re struggling. Im sorry that you’ve had this weight on your shoulders for so long.
I can’t relate to every aspect here. But I can relate to that numb feeling. That feeling of being a zombie. Putting so much effort in to get the bare minimum done. Exhausted. In my 20’s, I felt like that a lot. It was a time where I was suppose to be exuberant and full of life and doing wild things and making mistakes. But the majority of my mistakes were hurting people. And folding in on myself.
I blamed my family for a lot of stuff. I blamed myself for most of it. It was easy to do that. And at some point when I was at my most checked out, my most numb, I convinced myself that I’d overcome the pain. I’d resigned myself to a fairly empty life and hardened up. I even became a bit cynical.
In reality, I didn’t overcome my pain a damn bit. I just took and pushed it down. But it was still bumping around in the cellar.
So anytime I tried to be better or do better, it came wailing back. Id be fine for a while. And then i’d go back to the way I was.
I dont know what the right answer is for you. For me, I had to do a lot of stuff to work through what I was pushing down. I had to unlatch that cellar door and break it all down piece by piece. Dismantle it. No easy task by any means. I relapsed on bad behaviors. Made mistakes. Slipped up. But over time - literal years - things got a bit better. A bit.
It’s odd now because I go outside and marvel at the trees or ill go walk my dogs in the rain just to experience the joy of the rain. Things I once held myself from because I was so wrapped up. But there’s still a lot of work I need to do.
There’s work we all likely need to do.
And I think you deserve to give yourself the chance to feel some freedom. Or experience the rain the way I do.
Resources, especially in america, are hard to come by. But I think they’re worth it to start. Your grandkids probably want to see you thrive. So they can see all that life has in store for them.
We come from very different places. Different pain and different hurt. But I believe in you. I believe you deserve relief. You deserve to smile.
Let us know how the journey goes, because we want to know. And hold fast my friend.