yesterday, i was feeling fat and gross. during work, i had to go bathroom and got an idea. i started to make myself throw up after eating, and it felt powerful, as if i was in control of my body, when i felt like i’m not, because i’m quite overweight (my anti-psychotic meds cause intense weight gain). i know it’s not healthy, but it feels so good.
I know that feeling, I have been well overweight most of my life. There are times I have wanted to do this and have. Though in the moment it helped me feel in control, health issues followed. I would really like to encourage you to talk with your medical peoples about the medication and side effects, maybe they have suggestions to help or something related. Care about you friend, you’re not alone in this battle. Here for you, hold fast.
Thank you for sharing. Something I never shared with anyone is that I used to force myself to throw up too. People at HeartSupport know I have issues with food and eating, but that is something only my best friend ever knew, because she was there when it started. Every time I ate, she wouldn’t let me out of her sight for 2 hours afterwards because I would sneak off to the toilets and she knew exactly what was happening. I was disgusted with how I looked, I wasn’t over weight at all the time, but I was still disgusted. It was the way I convinced myself I could still eat and not gain weight… I eat to get people off my back, and then force myself to throw it up to make myself feel better. Sometimes having that control taking away from us, even for a short time is what we need to break that cycle. If you feel like you can’t stop this before it gets worse, I really encourage you to find an accountability partner. Even if it’s someone on the phone. You make a plan to call someone for an hour after you eat, that way, you physically can’t do this to yourself. It sucks, but when you can’t trust yourself, you have to trust in someone else. You are still in that control. YOU are controlling who you trust with this. YOU are controlling how you communicate with those people. It’s just that 1 unhealthy thing has to be controlled by someone else for a while.
Hold Fast
Kayla
Hey @ageffre Casey covered your topic on his Twitch stream today! Here’s the live video response 
Hold Fast.
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Hey @ageffre ,
It’s very positive that you decided to talk about it here. There’s no shame at all and there’s nothing wrong with you. Your body changes, maybe quickly, and it can be difficult to assimilate what’s going on and to accept it.
Unfortunately, making yourself throw up can only become a vicious circle that will be extremely difficult for you to escape. Indeed, and you’re already aware of that, it’s not healthy for you and you deserve much better. It gives you a sense of control and yes, you feel better just after, lighter, more “pure” but, in the long run, this is no longer the case.
I allow myself to tell you that because I had eating disorders and I was forcing myself throwing up for years. My whole life had become a nightmare because of that. It drowned me in a great shame and loneliness. At first it gave me the impression that I could control my diet and, over time, to eat everything I wanted and “compensate” after. More generally, it made me feel like I had at least one area in my life where I could be in control.
But it’s not true. It’s only a vicious circle that intensifies with time and impacts all the rest. I’ve come to the point of making myself throwing up to many times a day. No longer because I wanted it, but because I didn’t know how to do otherwise. I was trapped. And still a bit ashamed to write that. The mere idea of not making it put me in a state of great distress. And many other things that have developed over time. I became obsessed with my body and, whatever I did or no matter what I ate, I always felt bad in my body. I could be overweight or underweight, the same malaise was still there. It was never enough.
Trust me, there’s no middle ground with that, no “I can do it from time to time, I have control”. It’s a nightmare for your body, your health and self-esteem.
And I don’t say that to annoy you… we’re not here to tell you what to do or not. I only share this experience because I care about you and I wish you not to go through the same. You deserve to feel better. It’s not a question of weight but of how you live yourself in your body, what are your feelings, sensations and emotions. Everyone takes or loses weight in their life, depending on the circumstances they encounter. But the way you live these changes is something different.
Your current weight, you may not like it. But you can always learn to accept it as it is if, for now, you can’t do otherwise. Yes, it takes time and acceptance is an intimate journey. To discuss it with your doctor would be a good thing, at least to explain how you feel because of it. Also maybe this side effect is not inevitable.
Talking about how you feel with persons you trust is in any case very important. And there are also a lot of healthy things that can help you feel better. Try to think about what used to make you feel good before the medication. Even the smallests things.
You are powerful right now, but for other reasons than the ones you wrote. You are powerful because you have the opportunity to choose healthier strategies for you. You deserve gentleness and benevolence. Your body too. Take care of yourself friend. We love you. 
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