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Belongs to: Therapist Reacts to Monsters by Shinedown
I’ve worked hard over the years to leave the person I was, behind. With things happening lately, my anger has returned. I never say " be careful who you piss off", I say “be careful what you piss off”. I don’t like the feeling anymore, it makes me nervous. @heartsupport
Hey there friend.
Thank you so much for posting and giving us a small chance to take at least some of this burden off of your shoulders.
You mentioned anger and that being the person that you use to be. But you also mentioned how that anger is slowly returning and just the very act of feeling and having emotions makes you nervous.
This sounds like such a difficult spot to be in. When struggling with anger, I imagine that feels a bit like…not trusting ones self? Or never being sure what will set you off. And in that way, I could see it feeling like i cant even trust myself. Or that I should “be normal.”
That has to be difficult.
In my own life, I’ve struggled a decent amount with anger and judgement. Whether I like it or not, they were both things I picked up from my family. A quote i go back to is “if you were raised with an angry man in your house, there will always be an angry man in your house.” And I still struggle with it. I believe my therapist told me once that my anger is typically a mask for something else - often being overwhelmed, overstimulated, or anxious, etc. I wasn’t really processing or understanding those other things, so I just thought I was an angry person. Which lead to feeling a lot of shame about who I was. Which lead to more anger. And god forbid someone had criticism or feedback for me at a job or in a relationship. I was already feeling so much shame that any external pokes of criticism would just have me explode. Like a pressure valve that didn’t have a release.
I’ve since started working really hard on my personal anxiety and my guilt and shame. Which has helped a ton with how fast I the pressure builds. But ultimately, I think I have to face that I’ll be coping with this for the majority of my life.
You mention just not even liking feeling emotions any more. And that makes absolute sense. I dont blame you at all.
In my experience, numbness only masked the problem. In an odd way, i felt worse about life and the anger only got worse. Breaking it down and reading and learning and getting help has been really hard. So so difficult. But I think worth it?
I dont want this to come off as a lecture. I think I feel so much of what you may be feeling - part of me wants to help you as much as I can. But that isn’t my role here. My role is to be here and support you. To let you vent, share my experience and say that you’ve got this and you’re not alone.
Do not hesitate to reach out more on here - to keep us updated with your life as you move forward. You’re loved, friend. Hold fast <3