Just a check in :D

[ahhspencer]

Hi everyone, just another update and asking for some advice!! I had a relapse in restrictive eating in may and decided to get better in june, and it’s been going so well, the first couple of months were a bit rough but I’ve been able to mostly work with and get rid of that little negative voice about eating, I’ve started to appreciate my body more and I even find myself looking in the mirror and liking what I see, it’s a very very nice feeling!!

I did have a major sh relapse but that’s all taken care of now, I’d guess it was due to the stress of getting better from ed stuff, but that was a good few months ago as well and I’ve been doing way better mentally and with sh!

I’ve started working with a therapist, we aren’t the best fit so I’ll probably switch but he’s given me some great tools and good steps to take and new things to try, so I’ve been more outgoing, aka going to stores alone and stuff like that!! (even went to a pride parade, how cool is that!!?!?)

The only thing I’m encountering is being nervous about having happy thoughts. they feel wrong to have for some reason, like the fact that I’m appreciating my body even with weight gain and being transmasc/nonbinary, I feel like I shouldn’t like the way I look but I do and it’s not that much of a challenge, just a bit of a hang-up I’m having. I would describe my gender more specifically as fluid, I’m sort of always in the middle but usually leaning towards masculine feelings and styles, It feels odd for me to appreciate my body despite the femininity even though I’m literally nonbinary and gender is constructed and all that.

Also, making friends is hard, but im trying!! how to put myself out there when I don’t go to public school? I wish you could just make friends like how little kids do and just, walk up to someone and be like “hey ur cool let’s be friends!” but alas, the world is not so simple.

Anyways! Any tips for the whole “positive thoughts = bad” thing would be coolio, but other than that not much to add, just a happy good update!!

(I always get so longwinded here, thanks for reading xd, im bad at social interaction but ill try to reply!)

[Wings]

Thank you for relating all of that positive progress. I admire your ability to regain balance after having setbacks. Relapses have lessons to teach, and once learned, there’s no need to relapse for the same reason again. That may not mean that relapses will never occur again, but if they do, you will be better equipped to handle them, based on past experience.

I’ve had issues with my weight for most of my life until 15 years ago, when I lost weight and kept it off.

I really never had a very positive experience in the friends department in public school. I didn’t fit into any social group. Not only that, but I found many kids my age to be petty, shallow, vain, cliquish, and look down on anyone who didn’t fit in their social group. So, maybe you are not missing much by not being in school.

Re: positive thoughts equals bad, there is a common saying that when something good happens, a person will be waiting “for the other shoe to drop.” Some people believe they are shielding themselves against disappointment by remaining in a state of constant negativity. Such people are often found trying to talk positive thinkers into thinking more negatively.

Life can be full of blessings, but as forest Gump so eloquently stated, “shit happens!”

It’s rarely possible for a person who has a negative outlook to see opportunities for a positive experience. On the other hand, a person with a positive outlook is far more likely to see opportunities for positive experience. Because they see those opportunities, they are much more likely to circumvent negative experiences.

What it boils down to is, positive thoughts lead to a more positive life, even when shit happens.

If life consisted of 10% positive and 90% negative experience, it makes sense to fully embrace the positive experience while it’s happening, rather than dilute it with fear of the next negative thing.

In actual fact, if we aren’t in 3rd world country, a war zone, or in the midst of a natural disaster, we are up to our ears in blessings that we take for granted. Essentially, our life is probably 90% positive, current problems and disappointments notwithstanding.

As far as I’m concerned, realistic thoughts are positive. A realistic thought that acknowledges the possibility of negative events, along with confidence that they will pass, is a very positive thought. So, that subtle (or sometimes not-so-subtle) fear that positive thoughts equal bad things happening, has little function except to increase the odds of making decisions that lead to something bad happening.

Realistically, it’s okay to have positive thoughts, while knowing that negative events can be approached with a positive attitude. So, it’s possible to remain positive despite the regular occurrence of shit. By doing so, you will experience less shit.

[EvilGenius]

Hey there, @ahhspencer

First of all, thank you for updating us. It’s always nice to hear from you regarding your progress in recovery and self acceptance. It’s clear your journey hasn’t been easy, but you’ve shown beautiful strength and determination. Your positive outlook is truly inspiring.

Life wouldn’t be the same if we didn’t have doubting moments. This is especially when it comes to accepting your body and embracing who you are. It’s a not a bad thing to love yourself just as you are, because everybody has flaws. How you express your gender identity is unique to you, and there’s no right or wrong way to do this. The fact you are working on self-acceptance is amazing.

Making friends is tough, so your absolutely right when you say that kids have it much easier. However you still continue to put yourself out there, which is amazing. Joining clubs or volunteering can be a great way to meet like minded people - but please don’t push yourself too hard with social interactions. Practice makes perfect and your taking good steps.

You mention the “positive thoughts = bad” equation well. This is a challenge, and a struggle many face, including myself. It’s important to remind yourself that your positive thoughts are a sign of your growth and healing. You do deserve to feel good about yourself.

As for therapists, it’s unfortunate that your current one isn’t working out, but I’m hopeful you’ll find a new one that works well with you.

Finally, I’d just like to say thank you for sharing part of your journey with us. You’re doing amazing, and your progress is something to celebrate

[ManekiNeko]

Spencer, I am so happy to hear from you! You don’t have to stress about replying to people, I know that your journey has been a big one and I just am so happy every time I get to read how you’re going.

It is understandable that as you were battling into the ed to get through it that others things may have come in it’s place to help you feel control and stability. We take the victories one step at a time, friend.
I am so glad and excited to hear you are feeling better!

My gosh, I know you said you’re going to swap therapists, but I am glad you’ve been exploring new things. I think just by doing those things you will open yourself up to new friends, some people cough me cough like to invite quiet shy people over because I know what it’s like to be quiet and shy. And while I still do feel that way, the small friend group I have make up for it and help make people feel welcome, so I say that in the hopes to encourage you to keep at it!

The idea that positive thoughts about yourself are bad- you are not alone. I know you’ve been through a lot and I’m sure many of the things that have happened have shaped how your mind perceives positive input.
I think in a way toxic positivity has affected people to react negatively as well.
For example if you’ve had to try stay positive in a toxic environment to try to keep people happy. If people have dismissed your feelings or told you to just “get over it” or to “put in a smile, you’ll feel better”.
Not being allowed to express your true emotions

I know I personally associated these good feelings with “there’s something bad” due to these kinds of mindsets and environments.

Sometimes when I think something positive about myself it feels overshadowed by doubt and by other thoughts. I tend to take a deep breath and rewind the conversation and purposefully set out to isolate and stop it at the positive part. It’s uncomfortable at times. My mind wants to add more, it wants to seek to say something to balance off the positive, but I just keep telling myself “I’m allowed to sit with this one thought. I’m allowed to feel pride about it”

Again really really happy to hear from you, Spencer! It’s always an absolute honour