Yea, birthdays (and celebrations, or just specific dates on a calendar) can be painful reminders, for many different reasons. I hear yours, and I’m sorry a day that’s supposed to be joyful is difficult for you. It’s hard when you can’t see any value in your life while others around you want to celebrate your existence because they are grateful to know you. What is, at first, a good intention becomes a pressure on your shoulders.
I want to end it, but people who’ve had good lives and don’t understand who I feel prevent me from doing that. People who are in no place to talk about things getting better. People whose lives haven’t been at a point to get better, people who’ve had it just about perfect all along trying to act like they know what’s best.
I know it’s annoying to receive advices and encouragement when you feel despaired, when you are the one to struggle and when you are the one who know how it feels like to be in your shoes. You know people who care about you don’t try to encourage you to annoy you though. It’s filled with good intentions, and unless it’s said with a patronizing tone (which doesn’t deserve your energy then), that frustration you feel isn’t really about them, but the situation itself.
People who “have it just about perfect all along” are a myth. As human beings, we all know what pain, hurt, loss mean. The way we experience those is just different, and we face different circumstances as well. But in the end we’re all human, we all struggle from time to time, we all face hardships in our life.
Even if it feels very lonely to struggle with pain and suicidal thoughts, you are not isolated from others. There is no “you” and “them”. You are, ultimately, human, like everyone. Just right here in this community, there are people who can genuinely understand how you feel yet believing that your life is valuable. I include myself in it. It’s not contradictory. It’s not a way to invalidate how you feel or what you’ve been through.
In the rest of your statements concerning people in general, I hear your anger. And if someone helps you only to feed their own ego, it’s definitely healthy to step away from them. But on the other hand, people won’t necessarily respond what you want them to say. It’s okay to disagree. It’s okay to challenge those thoughts about your life, with people you trust and are safe, and it’s okay to challenge others with their own perspective. But it has to happen through discussions, and to be based on one principle: to agree to disagree. That’s how you grow, how you learn from others, because you let a door open for other possibilities, and even more for things that might be difficult to conceive right now because you are struggling.
When we feel like we’re beyond help we generally see two possibilities: living in pain or dying. But what people try to share when they show their care for you is a third path: living without suffering constantly. We can’t erase the pain, it’s part of life. But we don’t have to lead a constant battle either. And being at peace can be made with the support of people who love us. With the trust we give them. Essentially for one reason: because ther are in a position that allows them to see us differently than how we do. They are not facing the struggles we are dealing with, they are not poisoned by dark thoughts and hopelessness, they are not carrying the tiredness that we feel all the time. They have the ability to see us truly, beyond our issues, beyond the lies that are spiraling in our mind. They see POTENTIAL, and they want that potential to be reached for us, because they see our worth. That’s what true friends see and wish for each other, especially when family fails us.
How you feel makes sense, is valid. Just like it doesn’t make you worthless or beyond hope. It doesn’t have to be opposed. And I believe it’s through this reconciliation that you’ll learn to give yourself the gift of time. It’s your very first resource. Believing in yourself is not necessarily a requirement in order to move on and bet that things could be better one day. When you feel beyond hope, you can rely on people who know you, who respect you, and genuinely care about you to remind you why it’s worth to keep moving on, even if for you right now it feels like being in a giant tunnel without any exit. People, healthy and loving relationships, can enlighten the road while you’re walking.
“Don’t break character, you’ve got a lot of heart.
Is this real or just a dream?
Rise up like the sun, labor 'till the work is done.”
I hope your birthday was still a good day for you, even without any celebration - that’s okay. Sending hugs your way.