Just Advice

[rachel5]

Hi so recently my mom and dad are really pissed at me and I can’t say I blame them. I’ll give you both the things I’ve done and the things they’ve done though so you guys can understand better.

When I was younger, around 12-13 I started playing online games. My mom got really mad at that but never told me why except “people are bad.” But I had made friends on that game and she just says that you can’t make friends over a game.

On and off I would go on it and talk to people I’ve never met in real life. I’ve never given addresses or like anything super private. I have given them numbers and email though… but never like SSN or anything. And she acts like it’s the worse offense ever. I want to believe that she’s mad about me lying to her (which I get) but instead of trying to talk to me she just yells and gets mad and favors my “perfect” sister instead. She’s told me I’ve been a pathological liar since I was 2 and that I’m ruining her marriage with my dad (they’re not divorced but they’re fighting more)

So I (and I admit this is awful which is what I need help with) I would go on my dad’s iPad or iPhone at night to talk to them… and I understand why that is bad. Which is where I need advice. I also would go on like, sites. Like (and I find it for some reason embarrassing to say, but fanfiction sites.) It’s not like I would read porn, but last night I… looked at one and oh my God I’m an awful person and it was after one of the good days with my mom.

Anyways, it’s been a few times I’ve done this now and I know it’s bad and this time I’m really going to try hard to stop but how can I help make them trust me again? I’m so lost and I feel like I have no one, I have friends at school but I don’t wanna tell them this stuff. And I’m lost and have like no will to live and it sounds kinda pathetic compared to what others go through but yeah. I just need so much help.

[SheetMetalHead]

Teenage years are tough for parents. No one tells them when to let go and give you a little more personal freedom, so they cling harder to the discipline.

Giving out ANY personal information is bad news these days, especially with people you’ve never met IRL. You’d be amazed what they can pull up with an email address, especially if they’re any good at hacking. Maybe she overreacted, but she’s also scared of kidnappers, robbers, child predators, blackmailers, getting sent viruses, identity theft…really it is that bad. Yelling at you is gonna make you defensive, but she was probably just freaking out.

Your parents’ marriage is NOT your problem and it is really unfair of her to put that on you. The problem is they’re not on the same page, be it with you or with anything else. My parents almost split because my mom was trying to hide my brother’s drug addiction from my dad, but after a good long desperate talk they were on the same page. It wasn’t my brother’s fault (even though he made our home life hell), it was lack of communication.

Regarding talking to people or going on “sites,” doing it on your dad’s devices is a gross invasion of his privacy. Flip the script and imagine your dad sneaking your iPad and reading fan fiction. Maybe that’s all he was doing, but you have no idea if he was doing anything else (porn, purchases, whatever), there’s no way to prove what his activities were, and you’d probably feel violated.

Trust comes back with a genuine apology and with time, time flying straight and not acting squirrelly. Practice trustworthiness now, and if you live a genuinely trustworthy life, eventually your parents will (hopefully) give you more freedom to do what you want, because they can trust you. Some day, trust over your online activities will extend to friends, relationships, jobs, and more serious family matters, and being genuinely trustworthy will not only make you more successful on those areas, but better equipped to pick out the people who are trying to snow you.

Don’t compare your issues with the others on here, you feel them all the same. Teenage years are rough. Everyone is trying to figure themselves out, none of your peers are equipped to help you through your issues because they can’t even figure out their own, school really is as bullshitty as you think it is, no one wants to be vulnerable around their peers, etc etc etc.

Wow I feel like such a dad. Or uncle. Not ready for this shit. But it’s stuff I wish I’d known in high school, even though I wouldn’t have wanted to listen to someone tell me about it.

[rachel5]

Hi, I’m actually really glad you got back to me. For a few weeks during the holiday season most of the days were nice but recently my parents have asked when they’re angry if I even want to be a part of their family anymore… and the scary part is sometimes I don’t?

[Mindra8704]

Hi rachel5. I read your post and your follow up. You got some really good feedback from SheetMetalHead. We all feel at times that we don’t want to be a part of our families. Hang in there. It will get better. You will look back on this in a few years and wonder what all the fuss was about. Life is a roller coaster and none of us rides it perfectly or makes all the right decisions along the way. We do the best we can with what we have. Be kind to yourself. You will get through this and be a stronger person on the other side. Feelings come and go, as you have experienced over the holidays. But they are just feelings. The truth is you’re becoming a stronger, more aware person. God bless and hang in there!