Sorry, this might be a long one.
I’m definitely falling behind on the forum, I’m sorry-- the spoons are low. I’m responding to what I can here and there, but I’m definitely slacking and a half. I haven’t been able to attend a few SWAT meetings, but I feel I’ll hopefully get back into it soon.
But that’s just a small section of this post.
I’m super tired. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I thought I was burnt out last year? This is ten times worse. I think I’m not necessarily “finally over” something that’s been upsetting me for countless months last year, but for now I’m done crying over it. I did last night but… it’s not a constant anymore. I’ve been trying to think of things I want to do to better myself, instead of worry about someone who never cared for me-- but thinking about improving? Upsets me too. I’m “still not where I want to be” in life, and it sucks. I have very little people I really talk to anymore, and I feel so very… unwelcomed to vent now. My ex used to actually berate me a lot for me trying to empathize with him when he was going through something. In fact, he would get upset with me for “stuffing things down” or trying to vent to others to try and figure out how to talk about it, but when I did talk about it, he’d always hold breaking up over my head. I respond to others quite frequently here, and I appreciate all the praise I get from others about it (I always feel like no one’s ever proud of me honestly), however-- I feel like… even writing this post here is something I shouldn’t be allowed to do. I know it’s a space for everyone, but I’m so embarrassed to be “going through some hard times”, that I made a vent account for here that specifically is just me venting when things are too much. And lately, they really have been.
But hey, here we are. If you haven’t seen past posts, I’ve mentioned how badly I’ve wanted to go back into animation and how I have been able to get into just some barely related classes to get back into the swing of things… but I feel even now it’s just too much.
I’m always sick. Whether physical (I’m built like a pet store dog) or mental, and it doesn’t seem to get any better. My aunt belittled me over the weekend about my room being untidy (I’ve been pulling things out and trying to organize/downsize everything, it’s taking me a long while) to the point she called me a baby and kept comparing me to others. I hate it so much. I’m basically frowned upon whenever I showed emotion, so I’ve learnt to mask my depression, until it becomes anger. And lately, all I really am is annoyed and frustrated. I cry as soon as I’m alone, primarily at work now because I sit in a box by myself. My meds don’t feel like they’re working, I’m anxious I’ll lose my job at the end of the year when my contract is possible for renew-- (I work for the school so I have a contract for each school year), I’m just… overwhelmed. I have severe ADHD and my aunt doesn’t believe me. It’s caused severe executive dysfunction (which is a neurodivergent thing that is primarily for people with ADHD, it’s being overwhelmed by something being “too much”, and your brain just shuts down) to the point I can’t do anything. Now my friend thinks that possibly the reason I can’t draw or learn to improve on my art the way I want to is because of executive dysfunction caused by perfectionism. I’ve been talking about starting a server for my stuff and letting my friends in since I can’t stream on Twitch or anything, but even then it’s like… what’s the point, you know? I don’t think I’ll ever get to chase my dreams, I think it’s too late.