Just drained

HeartSupport Support
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Sorry, this might be a long one.

I’m definitely falling behind on the forum, I’m sorry-- the spoons are low. I’m responding to what I can here and there, but I’m definitely slacking and a half. I haven’t been able to attend a few SWAT meetings, but I feel I’ll hopefully get back into it soon.

But that’s just a small section of this post.

I’m super tired. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I thought I was burnt out last year? This is ten times worse. I think I’m not necessarily “finally over” something that’s been upsetting me for countless months last year, but for now I’m done crying over it. I did last night but… it’s not a constant anymore. I’ve been trying to think of things I want to do to better myself, instead of worry about someone who never cared for me-- but thinking about improving? Upsets me too. I’m “still not where I want to be” in life, and it sucks. I have very little people I really talk to anymore, and I feel so very… unwelcomed to vent now. My ex used to actually berate me a lot for me trying to empathize with him when he was going through something. In fact, he would get upset with me for “stuffing things down” or trying to vent to others to try and figure out how to talk about it, but when I did talk about it, he’d always hold breaking up over my head. I respond to others quite frequently here, and I appreciate all the praise I get from others about it (I always feel like no one’s ever proud of me honestly), however-- I feel like… even writing this post here is something I shouldn’t be allowed to do. I know it’s a space for everyone, but I’m so embarrassed to be “going through some hard times”, that I made a vent account for here that specifically is just me venting when things are too much. And lately, they really have been.

But hey, here we are. If you haven’t seen past posts, I’ve mentioned how badly I’ve wanted to go back into animation and how I have been able to get into just some barely related classes to get back into the swing of things… but I feel even now it’s just too much.

I’m always sick. Whether physical (I’m built like a pet store dog) or mental, and it doesn’t seem to get any better. My aunt belittled me over the weekend about my room being untidy (I’ve been pulling things out and trying to organize/downsize everything, it’s taking me a long while) to the point she called me a baby and kept comparing me to others. I hate it so much. I’m basically frowned upon whenever I showed emotion, so I’ve learnt to mask my depression, until it becomes anger. And lately, all I really am is annoyed and frustrated. I cry as soon as I’m alone, primarily at work now because I sit in a box by myself. My meds don’t feel like they’re working, I’m anxious I’ll lose my job at the end of the year when my contract is possible for renew-- (I work for the school so I have a contract for each school year), I’m just… overwhelmed. I have severe ADHD and my aunt doesn’t believe me. It’s caused severe executive dysfunction (which is a neurodivergent thing that is primarily for people with ADHD, it’s being overwhelmed by something being “too much”, and your brain just shuts down) to the point I can’t do anything. Now my friend thinks that possibly the reason I can’t draw or learn to improve on my art the way I want to is because of executive dysfunction caused by perfectionism. I’ve been talking about starting a server for my stuff and letting my friends in since I can’t stream on Twitch or anything, but even then it’s like… what’s the point, you know? I don’t think I’ll ever get to chase my dreams, I think it’s too late.

I’m sorry.

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Dear friend, don’t ever feel like you have to apologise. Everybody need to take some time away, everybody hits their wall. Does that mean we aren’t good enough and doing enough? Certainly not.
I remember having a similar conversation with someone else here who mentioned they felt like they weren’t giving enough, and gently we need to remind ourselves that our value isn’t based on how much we give to others. If it were, what a terrible system. Would any of us be good enough?

If you need to take some time away, then don’t feel guilty. Nobody here at all would ever judge you or think any different if you. We see how much time and love you put into giving to others and it is commendable because it’s such a kind and generous thing to do. Even if you only responded to one post a week or month, I know I’d still be just as proud of you and think just as highly of your responses. Because it’s not the quantity, it’s the quality.

I’m so sorry you’ve had a consistent burden weighing on you. I know myself that even when things seem to have improved there can be moments and times when the mind gets triggered into thinking about it.
A few years ago now I had a terrible falling out with someone and it still from time to time stings.

It’s really great you recognise that you want to continue to improve yourself, I think it’s a work in progress and we are continually changing our goals and things to improve ourselves. Some of those changes cause growing pains and some of those things are a continual journey. Life wouldn’t be nearly as interesting if we were continually learning and growing.

I’m really sorry that your ex partner was toying with your thoughts and feelings. You shouldn’t be forced to talk about anything you’re not ready to, and when you are ready to, you shouldn’t be made to feel belittled because of it.

It sounds like you have a bit too much on your plate. And maybe your friend is right that having all this stress is effecting your passion for art. I’m really sorry your aunt doesn’t believe you, she sounds like she’s in a bit of denial maybe. I’ve seen a lot of people who deny their children’s diagnosis of adhd or autism or they believe the cure is goat’s milk or camel’s milks or vegan diets ect. They forget to see past the diagnosis and forget that there is professionals for a reason. They forget to embrace the person before them and to love them in the moment.
Sometimes people make hurtful assumptions based on their perception of what ADHD “should” look like. For example they will think “oh you’re not hyper active enough to have adhd”, but they don’t realise the struggle of mental hyperactivity.
If your body is feeling overwhelmed and freezes/needs to shut down, let it do that for a little bit.

If you’re interested in maybe joining a server with like minded people who share your struggles I’m going to link one down below for you. No pressure of course.

discord.gg/F9Tahmz

All in all, I hope you take some time to look after yourself and give your body some rest if it needs. We are always here for you en genuinely enjoy your company.
You are genuinely loved and cared for.

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Hi lunxaire,
First off thank you so much for sharing I feel like there is no such thing as too long of a post. I read you’re whole post in great detail and I am able to relate to you in a few ways. A couple years ago I was involved in a similar relationship where everything I did I was “gas lighted” and absolutely nothing I did was good enough. So I found myself bottling up depression and saving it for a sunny day that never seemed to arrive. However when that sunny day arrived or the day I ended things with that individual it just seemed a huge weight off my shoulders.

It’s never a good thing to bottle things up like you mentioned and so did I it weighs too heavy on your personal life until it’s too much to carry. Proud of you for sharing on Heart Support and there are so many people who are here to help or are going through similar issues. Out of all these replies on your post please please please no matter what life throws at you never give up!!!

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Fenn,

You’re going through a lot and I seriously feel for what you’re going through.

Don’t beat yourself on not being as present as you want to be on here. We all go through ups and downs in life and sometimes are pulled away from the things we feel we need to do.

With everything that’s weighing on you, don’t let HeartSupport be another item that stresses you out or adds pressure to your already overwhelmed head space. We as a community know you’re a part of us and you do a lot of good for the people.

but take care of yourself first. Allow yourself the time and space to let your body and mind to processes all this energy and emotions (emotion = energy in motion). Work to move these energies into a place that can be productive and helps you feel GOOD!

The road to improving oneself is a slow, but conistent one. Results don’t happen over night, but in small changes that happen over time - per the law of compounding - that develop into massive life changing improvements. Stick with it and be accepting to yourself and your mistakes - be your own best friend and let yourself know that you’re doing your best. That you can do it. That you have the strength to push through.

never, EVER give up on your dreams. A quote that I live by goes, “People die at 25, but aren’t buried until they’re 80.”

What this is getting at is that people who give up on the things that bring them joy and are a part of their most authentic selfs, give up living and the spirit that we’re all born with slowly disappears until an uninspired life becomes “normal.”

The most fulfilled people I’ve met during my 30 laps around the sun have been the people who do what they LOVE. for no other reason than because it’s what they love to do!

It doesn’t need to be a tidal shift over night to focus on your dreams or passions, but something you should always keep doing because it’s what you truly want.

I have a nautical tattoo that covers my entire right arm down to my elbow that is inspired by my all time favorite quote by Mark Twain, "20 years from now you will be more dissapointed in the things you didn’t do rather than the things you did do. So throw the bowlines from the save harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Set sail from the safe harbor. Dream. Explore. Discover.

It’s never too late to follow your dreams…

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Aww, fenn, this is so rough. It sounds like past relationships are haunting you, and this is becoming compounded by work stress and current family drama which furthers the exhaustion and overwhelm.

And you’re completely right when you say that it sucks to not be where you want to be in life! It sounds like you’re experiencing a lot of the pain from that, but you’re still taking courses and trying to get to a place where you’re satisfied, and that’s the important thing when it comes down to it. You’re taking action that will hopefully help you to feel better in the end.

And, if you don’t have the energy to change things now, you can try again later – you have so much time to figure things out and can get to a place that feels better for you. It also can take a lot of time to improve skills like art. Try to offer yourself the same grace and compassion you’d offer anybody else; be patient with yourself and try to give yourself that time. With that said, I understand that this is likely such a frustration that may even cause feelings of resignation or failure in the meantime.

One part of your post, in particular, stood out to me: the start. You start by apologizing for not being more active on the wall. I’m going to have to (politely and good-naturedly, of course) reject this apology because you have nothing to apologize for. Firstly, you’re incredibly active on the forum and it isn’t even true to say that you’re “falling behind.” However, much more importantly, you’re never expected to reply to all, most, or any posts on the wall. I know that you’re such an empathetic, kind person and understand that you want to help others (while filling some of your free time), and I know that the whole HS community appreciates your contributions, but replying to posts takes time and energy. Please prioritize putting that time and energy into what you need before helping others. As the aircraft safety videos love to say “put on your own oxygen mask before helping others.” This applies to HeartSupport to; help yourself before helping others.

This above quote also stood out to me because it really resonated. I’ve created topics on the wall too and felt that same embarrassment, but I hope you recognize – as I have – that we want to be here for you. Everyone (unless they’re a superhero or some other kind of fictional character) has stuff going on in their lives and that’s okay. We’re here to hear about these sorts of things. I’m glad that you trust us with your story.

Moreover, I’ve had similar feelings around sticking to an activity because people were proud of me for it. I even have a nearly identical quote in one of my posts. However, this just led to me overcommitting, causing burnout and later feelings of shame and grief when I eventually decided that I couldn’t keep up with that commitment. Try learning from my mistakes and pace yourself – this won’t just help you, but will also help HS in the long run (because guess what? We want you to be happy and don’t want you to feel burdened by this work, even if it’s incredibly fulfilling).

I also want to add that your value as a person isn’t tied to this one activity. I am proud of you regardless of anything you do with HS. While it’s unfortunate that others aren’t as good at verbalizing their appreciation of you, I am confident that others appreciate you. Know why? Because you’re a kind individual, who cares about helping others, and you have the courage to reach out when you need a hand. My pride is not conditional on any one activity; I’m proud of you just for being you. You are enough.

And yes, this pride does come with a virtual hug: :people_hugging:

You are a wonderful, caring, valued person and I hope that you’re able to recognize what we see in you. Thank you for sharing. I know that it can be hard to reach out when you’re used to sticking to the side of helping others, but we all need a hand sometimes and we’re here to support you. Sincerely, I’m glad that you’re sharing with us, and am wishing you all the best.

<3 Tuna

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@lunxaire just wanted to say that your replies to my posts have really helped me. I get that doing this can be tiring, so I really appreciate the energy you put into this. However, prioritizing yourself is also important so you can do things you’ve always wanted to do, which may help the exhaustion.

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