I was S.Aed when I was 13, by a guy I thought was my friend, in a school bathroom. It’s coming up to the 7 year anniversary of it, and it’s awful. This person, who I thought was my best friend is the reason I’m the way I am, why I’m so ashamed of my own sexuality, why I cling to anyone willing to give me attention, where my anxiety and PTSD come from. He’s the reason I had to leave schools, why I had to stop going to college. I feel so damn angry at him and yet there’s a tiny disgusting part of me that loves him. I can’t keep him out of my mind, and it drives me crazy. I’m terrified of him, yet I can’t stop thinking about him. I feel like I’m going insane, like he’s always there and that it’ll just happen again.
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Hey @Dunnothrowaway,
Seven years is a long time to carry the trauma of sexual assault, and it’s perfectly normal to have these complex and even confusing feelings.
Just remember.
IT’S. NOT. YOUR. FAULT. The perpetrator is the one who is completely responsible for the assault. You did nothing wrong. Many people struggle with the aftermath of sexual assault. There are people who understand what you’re going through and want to help.It’s not uncommon for survivors to develop complex feelings towards their attackers. This doesn’t mean you condone what happened. It’s simply a way your brain is trying to make sense of the trauma. A therapist can help you understand and process these confusing feelings so they don’t control your thoughts and life.
Remember, healing is a journey, not a destination. There will be good days and bad days. Be patient with yourself and keep reaching out for support. You are not alone in this, and things will get better.
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It is very confusing to feel mixed emotions and attachment towards the person who hurt you the most. What you’ve been through is nothing no one should ever be subjected to, and there is no doubt that you’ve been doing your best to survive and cope through years of pain, memories and fear. The anger that you describe yet the tiny love you have for him are absolutely understandable, and I want to reassure you that in no way feeling these opposite feelings would ever make you a disgusting person. We’re talking about someone you trusted here. You felt safe with them then you were betrayed in a horrible way. You were hurt at your core, you were subjected to their poor decisions. You could not know what would happen and you couldn’t be prepared for it. What your mind might be expressing today, is that you are still processing the grief of this friendship, while being fully aware of course of how traumatic this was for you. There’s this part of you that feels the anger and injustice of what you’ve been through. But there’s also this other part, maybe late behind in the process, that is still mourning what could have been if your friend had not been like this. Feeling this way is absolutely human and only shows how complex emotions can me, also how rocky the healing process can feel at times. It’s confusing, but it certainly not define your character. For what it’s worth, I’ve been through the same process with my parents - not our of sexual abuse, but physical abuse. Sometimes I feel like I still love them, yet I’m so damn angry at them because I know the depths of hurt and despair their actions have put me through. It makes you wonder if there is something wrong with you when you feel that way, but I can assure you that there isn’t. Somehow, this is a sign of healing and growth. You are learning to process your trauma, to put words on it and to name it, as well as to recognize the way you feel, which is huge.
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