Just need to get stuff off my chest TW: talk of sexual assault

I think my worst fear is getting raped

I’ve always struggled with compulsive thoughts and behaviours even when I was a kid, I think I’ve made a post about it before but I seem to have a problem where I just hone in really hard on one topic and I cant get it out of my head.

Lately it has been the thought of rape, or assault in general. Whenever my mind runs I just go straight to the thought of being assaulted and I’m disgusted by it. It’s not that I want it i just can’t stop thinking about it and whenever i’m around an older man my thoughts of this just become ever present and aware in my mind.
I’ve never been straight up taken advantage of like that but some part of my brain can’t stop thinking about it. The worst part of it all is that I think a little part of me is turned on by it. Maybe its my brain coping with the over abundance of emotion but it just makes me feel like a terrible person.

I’ve always liked older guys and when I was very lonely i would send nudes to guys way older than me, lying to them and telling them I was there age when in actuality I was probably 13-14 when iIfirst started. I liked the validation, I felt wanted and seen and I felt aroused. But now that I’m older (16) I feel regretful and grossed out by myself, and mad for not thinking. I feel so sorry for the people i’ve tricked too.

I’ve been talking to guys around my age now and most guys, especially teens just want sex. I mean I get it but whenever I do send a nude I just feel awful, and it brings me back to the times when I would just let guys use me for fap material and I would use others pleasure for my own validation. Now it just makes me feel objectified and I feel self conscious of myself for the first time in a long time. Thinking that maybe its my fault that the guys around me only want me for sex because of the way that I dress, or act, or look. I think i’ve put too much pressure on myself to be sexual and desired and I just feel gross.
I feel like a object, something rare for someone to pick. Just because i’m a trans guy, and at the same time i feel like nobody really wants me if not for sex or pleasure on their end because Im unique in my gender identity and genitalia.
I haven’t ever been in a real relationship, not since like 6th grade and i don’t even know if I can count that, and the thought of being in a relationship, especially one sexual makes me wanna curl up and die from the thought. I’m so scared of being taken advantage of or disrespected and im scared ill never really find anyone that can compensate for that fear.

-fynn

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Hi @fynn,

Thanks for expressing your concerns! I love how you are honesty about struggling with thoughts related to sexual assault. It might helped give a better understanding on why you act a certain way. I’m super concern that you are sending nudes around 13-14 to older men. That’s kind of scary and dangerous. You deserved to be treated with respect. It’s good that you learned not to do that anymore. I can relate to your post because I was taken advantage with older men at 18 years old sending nudes because I thought it was okay. Now, it’s gross to think about it.

Did you ever talked with a therapist that specialized compulsive thoughts and trauma? A therapist might help treat you with this type of on conflict that you are struggling with. You aren’t a weirdo for being trans guy. Instead of thinking about sex, What are traits that you love about yourself? There is no rush to be in a relationship. Sex should be enjoyed safety and fun between two partners. I recommend to be single for awhile to figure on who you are as a person.

I’ve never really talked to anyone about it before, im kinda scared to and i just kinda realized that these thoughts of mine actually bother me and aren’t something to ignore. I have a therapist and i’m thinking of telling her but im just kinda nervous to, i dunno why. I’ve kept a lot of this stuff close to my chest for a long time. I know therapists are for telling your deep secrets to but i guess i just don’t wanna realize my problem or be asked why it took so long to talk about. thanks

Hey @fynn,

Thank you so much for sharing all of this. Our sexuality and the thoughts attached to it can be very taboo in general and intimidating to talk about. It’s good that you have allowed yourself to express all of this, especially when it’s likely to be attached to feelings of shame. If anything, none of what you have shared here makes me uncomfortable, and I’m not thinking any less of you because of it. You matter and you are enough just as you are. Nothing changes that.

Maybe its my brain coping with the over abundance of emotion but it just makes me feel like a terrible person.

It is possible indeed that it would be a way for your mind to cope with other things. Of course there is diagnosing here and I’m only speaking from a personal experience: what you describe is somehow relatable to me as I struggle with OCD. I have various forms of OCD, but some of them are intrusive thoughts. Although I’m really lucky to have this in a way that isn’t overwhelming, I do have, especially during times of high stress, thoughts that are absolutely not the reflection of who I am or what I want. It is very disturbing at first because we associate naturally our thoughts with who we are. But it has definitely helped me to understand better why these thoughts are present sometimes, and the actual role they have. Somehow, the content of it doesn’t matter - what’s important is the function they serve and how to cope with it so it doesn’t become overwhelming or generate even more anxiety.

But now that I’m older (16) I feel regretful and grossed out by myself, and mad for not thinking. I feel so sorry for the people i’ve tricked too.

It’s understandable to feel regrets regarding this. Although I hope you can forgive yourself and reach a place of peace regarding what happened. You know, most people now have access to the internet very early in life while not being equipped, and for so many young people that makes them do things they regret later. When I was a teenager I was confronted to pornography and sexuality online while I wasn’t equipped to process any of this and understand the actual implications of it. It has later on influenced choices I’ve made in my life, essentially to cope after years of trauma, and I still feel very guilty about it. But truth be told: we deserve to forgive ourselves. You were so young at the time, and you were immersed in a reality that you couldn’t understand fully. It’s not your fault, friend. None of what happened makes you a gross or disgusting person.

Now it just makes me feel objectified and I feel self conscious of myself for the first time in a long time. Thinking that maybe its my fault that the guys around me only want me for sex because of the way that I dress, or act, or look. I think i’ve put too much pressure on myself to be sexual and desired and I just feel gross.

It sounds like you’ve been trying your best to survive and cope, and sometimes the paradox is that we use what hurts us in order to keep surviving. I used sex/sexualization of myself in the past in order to deal with things that were haunting me, but that I was not ready yet to process and work on. Someone who hasn’t been there may come off as judgmental and criticize such behavior. But you know yourself, you know your story, you understand these patterns - and through it all, you deserve to be kind and graceful for yourself.

I haven’t ever been in a real relationship, not since like 6th grade and i don’t even know if I can count that, and the thought of being in a relationship, especially one sexual makes me wanna curl up and die from the thought. I’m so scared of being taken advantage of or disrespected and im scared ill never really find anyone that can compensate for that fear.

Good people exist out there, and you absolutely deserve to be treated with respect. You don’t have to be objectified to be loved and receive affection. It might be something to unlearn, at your own pace, but I wholeheartedly believe in you and in your ability to get there, at your own pace. This fear does not need to take over everything, nor to keep fueling behaviors or connections you don’t want to have.

I’m proud of you for speaking up about these experiences of yours, and how it’s making you feel. Talking about it as a huge and strong step, my friend. :heart:

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