I think my worst fear is getting raped
I’ve always struggled with compulsive thoughts and behaviours even when I was a kid, I think I’ve made a post about it before but I seem to have a problem where I just hone in really hard on one topic and I cant get it out of my head.
Lately it has been the thought of rape, or assault in general. Whenever my mind runs I just go straight to the thought of being assaulted and I’m disgusted by it. It’s not that I want it i just can’t stop thinking about it and whenever i’m around an older man my thoughts of this just become ever present and aware in my mind.
I’ve never been straight up taken advantage of like that but some part of my brain can’t stop thinking about it. The worst part of it all is that I think a little part of me is turned on by it. Maybe its my brain coping with the over abundance of emotion but it just makes me feel like a terrible person.
I’ve always liked older guys and when I was very lonely i would send nudes to guys way older than me, lying to them and telling them I was there age when in actuality I was probably 13-14 when iIfirst started. I liked the validation, I felt wanted and seen and I felt aroused. But now that I’m older (16) I feel regretful and grossed out by myself, and mad for not thinking. I feel so sorry for the people i’ve tricked too.
I’ve been talking to guys around my age now and most guys, especially teens just want sex. I mean I get it but whenever I do send a nude I just feel awful, and it brings me back to the times when I would just let guys use me for fap material and I would use others pleasure for my own validation. Now it just makes me feel objectified and I feel self conscious of myself for the first time in a long time. Thinking that maybe its my fault that the guys around me only want me for sex because of the way that I dress, or act, or look. I think i’ve put too much pressure on myself to be sexual and desired and I just feel gross.
I feel like a object, something rare for someone to pick. Just because i’m a trans guy, and at the same time i feel like nobody really wants me if not for sex or pleasure on their end because Im unique in my gender identity and genitalia.
I haven’t ever been in a real relationship, not since like 6th grade and i don’t even know if I can count that, and the thought of being in a relationship, especially one sexual makes me wanna curl up and die from the thought. I’m so scared of being taken advantage of or disrespected and im scared ill never really find anyone that can compensate for that fear.
-fynn