this is just something i been want to get out of my mind and on to paper…or computer
I wake up every morning and the first though to hit me head is when a person who was 15 taught me how to have sex witha girl who was 5 or 6… I was about 6 or 7 at the time so i didn’t know it was wrong. but i still blame myself for letting it happen. This same person a year or so later got me to give the a blow job… I shake those through off to try and start my day and the next though is of all the mistake i have made from wrong decision that has led my life to this point where i live with a women who can’t even help keep the house clean who has no job and just sit and watch soaps all day to the job of working at walmart even though i have a degree. my next though is usally how often i could have ended all this and how the outcome for most people around me would have been better if i did…then i force myself to think of the few that would have hurt from it and i get up out of bed. i go to the kitchen try to find a clean cup and make me some coffie. i look threw my cloths to find clean work cloths and head off to work. i spend my 20 min drive most of the time think of how i can never tell anyone of thing that happen to me because the person who did them lost his memory in iraq so how can i bring up something he no longer can remember. it would not be fair so i hold it in and just cry. i get to work wipe the tear and put on the fake happy mask that i wear and go threw my job making dumb jokes that make people around me laugh the whole time feeling like i could just go to a bridge and it would be done… i finish my 8 hour shift and drive home this time my though are usely on every hit i receive as a child from being throw down stairs the tie to a tree and beaten. i get home go in a start to try and clean up. where she spent her day making a mess eat chips or something in front of a t.v. i wash and put dish up then become overwhelm so i come to the computer and try to escape into games where in there the person i play is happy i do that for a coupole hour then start to cook supper i feed the kids and her then start to clean again before i return to bed where i cry myself to sleep so i can start all over again at 3am. And that is my normal day. i don’t why i wanted to write it down but i really just wanted to.
Hi Jay 
I’m so sorry to hear about the trauma you’ve experienced.
It seems like the person you’ve lived with really is not carrying their own weight; i’m sure you’ve tried to ask them to clean up after themselves, I’d make this more of a constant need, explain how it’s affecting you if you’ve haven’t already, but in a constructive way not from a place of anger. If she doesn’t respond accordingly, I would turn off the cable to the TV or something so she knows the severity of what she’s doing. When your living with others, you need to be able to clean up after yourself because it’s your space too.
As for this person you talked about who was in iraq, I really feel like you should to tell them about this trauma, even if it hurts them. Maybe through the use of a moderator who is neutral and will keep the discussion in check. I’m sure that they have been through a lot of trauma as well, but you don’t have to carry that burden anymore. It’s time to let it go. Don’t be ashamed. I’m so sorry that happened to you. Our traumas will always be with us. But it’s up to us forgive what happened for the sake of our own healing. Choose to remember times in your life that made it worth it. I believe you can create a better life for yourself, at first in incremental ways. Life really is a horrible process. The pain never stops. But somewhere is in the pain is something so beautiful. Life is precious and your kids need you. Living is radical and beautiful.
Is there some kind of group therapy program you can list in?
Here is a link to some free internet therapy resources
I would really try to seek out counseling, and screw Walmart. Your better than working there. Maybe you can look into different jobs.
Best of luck <3 and feel better. help yourself. treat yourself well.
thank rose and ya i have told here many time i even took vacation from work just to clean house the kids try to help but only when i tell them to and she will only do when i am hear and in a full on rant. (which i hate getting in). as far as the trauma i experience just writing it down for the first time every was a little helpful this is the first time i have every put it on paper or even let people know about it. Been holding it in for 25 years. it felt good just to put it out there. To let someone know. And yes screw Walmart but kids got to eat. and i spend every day looking for new jobs that can pay me equal to or more than Walmart is. Walmart is a trap pay just enough to keep you from leaving but not enough to live comfortably