I keep dreaming of hurting myself or just freaking out or even getting high. I really want to know what all of this means. Because I’ve gone back to isolating myself and dissociating more from my body. This whole weekend I was in bed too since it’s so hard on my back when I walk or sit in a seat I don’t like. I didn’t say any of this to my mom since I’m already much of a burden on her. But I also keep getting dreams of an imaginary lover and me just hanging out. Yesterday I told it “Baby, you’re not real” and it just replied with “I know. You’re not real either.”
This kind of thought can be pretty scary, as well as dissociation. Did you have the occasion to talk about it with a doctor? As this kind of thought and experience can be related to different things, they would be more trained to help you understand why you’re experiencing this right now.
I had experienced dissociation when I was very depressed, and also at some specific moments in my life that were traumatic/violent. It was very disturbing to feel like I was outside of time, outside of myself, looking at what was happening and feeling like I wasn’t part of it. In these moments, it feels like the world isn’t real.
You are real. But it sounds that you’re going through some difficult times right now. And also: you’re not a burden. Maybe your mom told you that, but if it’s the case then she was wrong. And if she never told you that, if she makes you feel safe enough, then feel free to talk to her, it’s okay to reach out and share about what’s going on. When we experience this kind of thought, we can feel pretty alone. Isolating would only reinforce this feeling.
Have you tried mindfullness/reconnecting to your sensations when you feel catched by your thoughts? Sometimes it can be helpful to try to ground yourself and focus on your physical sensations: what you can see, touch, hear, smell. So you can actually feel that you’re part of this world.
Okay, I’ll tell my therapist about this. I’ve tried mindfulness but now I can’t distinguish anything. I really don’t think this body is mine. When I look at the reflection in the mirror, I feel such an inner fear of the body staring into me. I even tried pushing in my eyeballs and it just felt as if someone else was doing it to me and I was going to cry. I couldn’t feel that it was me doing I to myself. I think that’s why when I do negative self talk it’s always “YOU are” because I’m just this brain put into a vessel I hate. I don’t want this body anymore. I really hate it in here.
I’m glad to hear that you’re willing to talk bout it with your therapist. Hopefully they can give you some insights and keys to understand what’s going on, but also to reassure you.
When you are experiencing dissociation, mindfullness is a useful tool but it takes some time before you can reconnect to your body/your sensations. It’s okay, it’s normal. As human beings, healing and finding some peace takes time.
I’m really sorry you’re experiencing this. When I was in this situation, it was very weird to feel like I was outside of myself, to see myself in the mirror like I was a stranger and didn’t know who I was looking at. I hated my body too, for some reasons related to my own past. At the moment I wished I could switch with anyone else’s body. I felt trapped in myself, like in a giant void. I thought I was going crazy. But there was still this very little voice in my head knowing that it was temporary. You also know that. It’s part of what makes you able to talk about it, to take a step back from how you feel and share about this experience. Hold on to that friend. It’s a strength. And please stay safe.