I’m so tired of everything.
Trying to keep everything together enough to get through. Not giving in to the urges of harming again (and getting closer and closer every time). Being okay one moment, and so not the next… I’m tired of looking around and seeing all the failed things looking back at me. I just don’t have the strength anymore to unmask those monsters again… They’re so good at hiding in plain sight for me and I still don’t recognize them…
Some things that I’m thinking are so fucked up that I don’t even dare to say them in here… Or to my therapist. I don’t think anyone knows them, apart from me. More because someone knowing it wouldn’t change anything. Not for me, not for them, they just might think that I’m even more fucked-up than they thought I was…
Dear Nyn,
You are not fucked-up. You’re only human. And like everyone else: you are allowed to struggle without being judged or guilted for it, including by yourself. If you wanted to share these thoughts, then your therapist and the people who care about you genuinely wouldn’t see you as being less of a person because of it. They’d just feel humbled and grateful for the trust you show to them, and they’ll do their best to support you.
You know, we all have a “dark side” that we tend to hide, just because the way we appear in general and the way we are with ourselves is different. Anger, shame, rage, envy… these are emotions people generally hide because it doesn’t make us appear in a positive way. But it’s still part of the range of human emotions. I don’t know if you ever heard about this concept, but Jung talked about it as our “shadow”, and his view on it was that it was unproductive to reject it. On the opposite, facing these emotions and thoughts, this darker part of ourselves, is how we learn to grow and be the person we truly aspire to be. We learn to be more authentic, with others but also with ourselves. I don’t know if there are interesting workbooks about this specifically, but there are definitely more theoretical books that are worth to be read.
Not everything has to be known by everyone or even just one person. I personally have my inner garden that I’m not going to share with anyone, and I’m glad I have it. However, some things are worth to be shared if it can help us to do the hard work and heal. There are right times and places to disclose something we’re afraid to share, but regarding what you just mentioned specifically, I can say with confidence that this is a topic that would be worth sharing with your therapist, if you’re willing to give it a try. Sometimes just even the very act of sharing what feels like a shameful secret is the first step to realize that shame didn’t have a reason to be in the first place.
In any case, I’m proud of you for resisting against the urges to hurt yourself. I believe in you, still and always. 
I still ended up hitting myself… the lesser of the evils maybe…
I’m not as strong as you think I am, Micro. I’m trying, but I’m not…
I want to tell you, you’re loved so much! You matter so vastly! You are cared for so deeply!
I’m not at my computer so i have to do a long post in a few minutes. But i wanted to reply right now.
You are stronger than you think.
We are always here. The discord is available, i think the twitch show is starting soon.
You mean so much!
You are loved!
If I’m not able to do stuff that needs to be done, or even take care of myself during the day: cook myself a meal, make sure the space I live in is clean, make sure I am clean, without getting utterly exhausted for hours afterwards… How can I be strong?
Nyn,
You are so loved. You are doing things that need to be done by being here to talk, and have that strength.
I can see how deeply hurt you feel. I can see how hard you are trying to battle through this. You are doing your best and you are fighting. The strength seems (to you) to be fading as the battle continues. You are finding the hurt in the seemingly easy tasks in life. That’s not true though. You are here with us!
Those seemingly “easy” tasks can be so hard in life for us at times because of the lies in our heads that dismantle us down to our core. The feeling of heartbreak and love is what I am feeling for you and i feel the pain in my heart with you. I want you to keep sharing through this because i want to see this sadness become joy as you become stronger and see the life in your veins flow with even more love and the chains break.
I love you nyn. I care for you, and if my wife and i were there, we would make you dinner to show you just how much you’re loved, welcomed, worthy, and all else of being alive, healthy, happy, and well nurished. Nurishment can help you feel so much better.
Do you have someone you can share a meal with? A local group that does meals even if it’s monthly and socially distanced can help. I know around my area there are groups going and having dinners with people and they spend time just hanging out playing video games and just chilling.
One thing i know that helps is talking to a therapist but i also know that one thing Casey talks about on his self care shows on twitch is block scheduling, and that’s a great approach to trying to schedule out things to get a great road to success. One great thing about that is you can say “ok today I’m spending 15 minutes making food for myself to heat up for myself today and tomorrow”. And then you can schedule tomorrow to be “okay today I’m scheduling 15 minutes of picking up simple stuff around the house or just gathering laundry”. It is the simple wins in life that make you strong. You are so strong, you are here and that is so amazing.
With block scheduling you can mark out time to relax and just rest. I kinda plan my days around taking time out to relax watching hs streams and then do some light work then back to resting again.
I have epilepsy so i respect how depressed one can get so easily and how that depression can make you unable to do anything and feel useless. I know that doing something as simple as just making myself scrambled eggs or pressing down the toaster for some prefrozen eggo waffles is an accomplishment some days. It is always worth being happy.
I also found when i out that a trashcan by my bed made life easier. I also started using the same cup over and it helped. I also bought a huge 3 litre thermos that keeps hot drinks hot for 72 hours and cold drinks cold for 120 hours. Silly little gifts that get myself going towards health can help.
A little positive treat can be amazing. Even if you don’t think you deserve a positive encounter in your life with something simple, you do. Now obviously I’m not saying go on a shopping spree and run your credit card through the roof, but a nice small toy you’ve wanted for a long time can be awesome.
You are so amazing, your so deeply loved, so widely cared for, you are so beautiful, there’s so much amazing, and you are wonderfully you.
Stay strong and know you matter so vastly
thank you for saying this… I’m sorry that I won’t give you as much of a big answer as you deserve.
I am already in therapy, but haven’t had contact with them the last month, but I have a meeting soon. While I’m typing this I’m eating a meal that made myself, so that’s at least something I did today I guess… maybe that 15 minutes thing from Casey isn’t such a bad idea… I didn’t think about it…
Sorry I’m a bit all over the place right now, but you also made me reach out to someone that I know who recently moved to my city. Because I’m living alone and literally feel lonely so many times, it might be a good idea to ask them for a weekly dinner together. I mean… they can always say “no” if I’m being a bother, right? I literally feel like I’m always bothering people and ruining the mood when I come along… but maybe it’ll be easier to be less of a bother… I dunno… 
anyway, thank you for the kind words. You seem like a wonderful person
Youa re so welcome, I am sorry it took so long. My phone notifications dont seem to be working right yet as I’m still adding accounts to the phone im using so I have to check the computer (sorry!).
It dosen’t matter if its a 2 sentence reply or a 2 kilometre long reply, knowing youa re alive is what matters.
I’m so glad to hear you already have therapy, i know from twitch you have some things going on in your life, but did not know what all was going on, so not having a meeting for a month is absolutely a blow to the face, back, stomach, and other palaces all at once. I have been there too! It’s horrible feeling, but you know what? You just did something amazing! You found joy inn the midst of all of this. You are finding those things already! That is so awesome! I’m so glad to hear that.
I can completely follow everything you’re saying. You sound to me like someone who is working through their life and trying to reach healthy goals!
You just reached out to someone you haven’t been around in a while and it’s so awesome!
I used to, and still sometimes do, ahve the “the worst they can say is ‘no’” attitude, but sometimes the other way i try to think about it is “the worst they can do is ruin their own future by not being around me”.
You definitely aren’t bothering people and ruing the mood at all, especially here. Just come in and say hi and keep telling us those little good things that happen in your day, and make those little lists, you never know how they can help.
Here are some of casey’s videos on twitch, they are from a workship he did on how to plan your time correctly and making sure you always have things set up right from the start.
This one is titled “How to Make Your Goals Easy and Automatic” Twitch
Here’s another video from casey titled “Healthy Goals Can Still Fail” Twitch
nyn, you are loved, you matter, and you’re cared for greatly.
keep us all updated and know you are such a unique and amazing person
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