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Just venting about my dumb feelings again

So, when I was younger, my brother was addicted to heroin, stole from our family to feed said addiction, and was abusive towards me. Most of the time, it was verbal and emotional but some days, he did get physical. I wasnt able to leave home until about halfway through my senior year of high school.

So, jump to now. He’s clean, has a kid, and a girlfriend, and he wants to try to be a brother now.

I have no interest in forgiving him. In fact, my life is much better without him. I’ve expressed this to my mom, who is very vocal about how I should forgive him and other people have come up to me to say the same dumb things. “He’s changed! He’s clean! He cares about you! He just wants to say sorry!”

I don’t care about him wanting to say sorry or having a relationship with him. I don’t care about what he wants to say. All of it is meaningless.
In my eyes, we come from the same mother. That’s the only relation I see between us. Anyone that starts preaching forgiveness, I immediately consider them not thinking about me and what I want.

“But addicts deserve a second chance!”
True but I’m his younger brother. If he ever truly cared about me, he wouldn’t have stolen stuff that meant a lot to me and he never would have been abusive.

I live with my mom and her boyfriend and every so often, he does come around which wouldn’t be a problem if he didnt talk to me.
The other day, he kept trying to initiate conversation and I ignored him. I went into my room, with my hands shaking in anger. I really wanted to go upstairs and start whaling on him but I have a decent relationship with my mom.

Am I being childish? Sure. Plenty of people have passive aggressively pointed that out and some have said it straight to me. Is the anger and hate damaging me? Probably but the less I’m around people, the better.

Again, I get that he wants to make amends and wants to start that brotherly bond he chose to ignore years and years ago but all I want to do when he’s around is kill myself.

“But you could move out.”
I don’t have a car and I don’t make enough to get myself an apartment. For the time being, I am stuck at my mom’s house.

I have given forgiveness a thought but to me, it’s me saying to him “It’s ok that you got addicted to heroin, kept making bad choices, and you always disregarded my feelings.”
I’d rather torch the bridge he wants to build rather than help him build it.

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Not dumb feelings, totally reasonable dude.

Who would want to forgive someone who ripped a childhood from them? Who wanted to justify it by masking it with some claim that “it was my addiction”? To dissociate with the justice due to them for the pain they caused you?

It is the opposite of fairness to feel like he and others expect you to forgive him. Like they want you to cast away your pain just because they deem it timely. First you want to take my innocence from me and now you want to take my wrath? Fuck you.

I feel all of those things with you, Dave. And personally, I would offer you a molotov to chuck at his bridge if it weren’t for this: forgiveness isn’t about your brother. It’s about you, bro. This is about you. It’s about you showing yourself that people deserve love. It’s about showing yourself that people can start afresh. It’s about showing yourself that failure and mistakes don’t define people. It’s about showing yourself that God’s love counts for others. Because how you treat others betrays how you treat yourself. YOU deserve love, Dave. YOU can start afresh. YOU aren’t defined by your failures and mistakes. And God’s love counts for YOU. Forgiveness is proving to yourself that’s all true for you by allowing it to be true for your brother.

So if I had the chance, I’d take this molotov and throw it at the bridge that lets you walk away from this with the poison of unforgiveness still in your heart because I want you to know you are worthy of love regardless of the shit you’ve done and the shit that’s been done to you. You deserve love, Dave. And that’s why I’d say you deserve to forgive your brother.

Here’s a powerful story and song about forgiveness.

Love you.
-Nate

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Thanks for sharing and I hope that venting helped ease some of that built up tension. I’m sorry that you had to experience that relationship and brokenness. It’s not fair and it’s not okay what he did to you. Don’t let anyone diminish the wounds and pain that came from that because your pain and hurt is real and justified.

On the note of forgiveness, forgiveness is not the same as saying something is/was okay. In my eyes, it’s very much the opposite because you acknowledge that there was pain that needs forgiving. And it’s not something that should be forced upon you or expected, but needs to be your personal desire and decision. My hope for you is that you will be open to forgiving him some day and having that experience of sharing all the pain that you went through and getting some relief from the anger that’s in there. Wounds like that never completely go away but there is some freedom from it.

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@Megadave020 no your feelings are valid and validated. I am recovering alcoholic (always in recovering) I been sober almost four years.

He may feel remorse for his mos deeds yes but you’re not ready to cross that bridge then don’t your mother should be more understanding that when you’re ready IF you want to cross that you will. I’m sure your brother understands that as well.

I can say when a substance takes hold of a person its very ugly. I hope that you can find solace in your heart and let go of your anger. You don’t have to be around him or interact with him if you do not wish. But hanging on to those negative emotions may eat you up.

Sometimes mom has the best of intentions but goes about it the wrong way. Just take it a day at a time my friend