My issues go way back, same as most people I spose. I’ve seen 6 different shrinks and been on 8 different meds throughout my life so, not really wanting to try those anymore. It’s to the point now where I’m beyond depressed, anxiety and panic stricken, basically a non-functioning mess that smiles when I’m around others. I gotta tell ya, it’s getting harder to hide it. My wife, she gets to see it, lucky her. Promised her I would reach out to someone, and I like the anonymity this board offers so here we go.
I look around and all I see is hypocrisy, hate, the worst in people. Used to try and help, people just get mad at me and deflect. Guess it’s easier than people admitting they might be part of a problem. I’m no innocent myself. I have my bad moments, my own hypocrisies, my own regrets. But the worst of it, the more I lose hope for any kind of progress with people, the more I obsess over the Big Picture. Truth is that it doesn’t matter. No point in arguing it, it does not matter. Unless your face is on currency or in a movie, 100 years from now no one will remember your name, your face, or what you did with your life. All the while people seem content to split themselves into groups, preach hate in the name of tolerance, backstab, starve, and literally kill one another. All feigning innocence and justification. I’ve often assumed that everyone is as miserable as me, only more distracted and less restrained. Call it fear, call it altruism; I’ve never been able to harm someone else. In fact I usually try to protect them at my own expense. I was never protected growing up, so I take it very personally whenever I see someone who needs protecting.
My life is run by fear and only getting worse. Anxiety and OCD are the primary labels. I know that doesn’t sound too bad and I could tell some stories, but I’ll just say that no person should live like this. Imagine being forced to read a book with a gun loaded and pointed at your head. Every so often the gun cocks and you have to start over. Literally the fear, panic, and anxiety of life or death over something as simple flipping a light switch, closing a door, or just being alone in a room. No, I’m not exaggerating. I gave up my Christianity when I realized I’d be this way the rest of my life. I’m agnostic now and have been for about 18 years. Since becoming agnostic, my reasons for turning my back on my faith have only increased. Look at all the pain that is life. Existence is an all or nothing game. Either it’s all here, or it’s all not here; the good and the bad. Stack it all up, and all the good of life can’t begin to outweigh 1% of the bad. If there is an almighty creator, some being responsible for setting the whole thing in motion, then I hold it personally responsible. Not for creating the bad, but for saying there is anything that can justify it.
Speaking of the good. Yes, I’ve had some high moments in my life. Yes, I know my situation is not the most dire that exists. But here’s another kicker of OCD. It’s a lot about control. The compulsions, the things you’re drawn to, what you invest your life in. You think you’re happy. You may collect something, play video games “Yes! I collected All of them! Yes! I maxed out the levels of All my characters!” Wasn’t until much later in life I realized these things weren’t for my happiness. They didn’t make me happy. They were compulsions. I was drawn to them because they were easy and accessible outlets for control since I had had no control over anything else in my life. Kind of a ‘A Beautiful Mind’ moment: “Imagine all the great things and people of your life, not really gone, but worse, were never there to begin with”; but more of a Tom Waits ‘Martha’ moment where it’s revealed he didn’t miss his love, rather he was sad he let fear rob him of the time they did have together. Obscure references aside, you wake up one day to finally see that you’ve wasted your entire life and are surrounded by a mass of coping mechanisms you fooled yourself into thinking was happiness. And what’s worse, once you realize it and try to find a path to actual happiness, you find out you have no idea how to even start looking cause you can’t get past the same old habits.
I first attempted suicide at age 10 if I remember right. Only stopped because I got scared. Ironically fear was also the reason I wanted to do it in the first place. I’ve physically prevented 3 suicides of other people in my life that I know of. I’ve been literally on both sides. The point of this post is NOT to encourage anyone to end their own life, but I’ve thought a lot about it. People call it selfish. Logistically I just don’t get it. No one asks to be born, but it’s considered selfish when they choose a path the rest of us don’t agree with? Realistically, it’s selfish to demand someone needlessly endure suffering just because you have a fear of death and a desire to have them around longer. You’re literally forcing a life onto someone who may be better off without it, what could be more selfish than that? It’s rare when my wife is willing to talk about these things, but even she agreed: when it’s a guarantee that all hope is gone, giving up is the best option. Which she always follows with and lives by the “but there is always hope”. I love that in her, but it’s just not true. Sometimes you know exactly how things are going to go, sometimes there is no hope. She keeps telling me I’m wrong on the big picture, yet not a day goes by she doesn’t wind up telling me “dammit, you were right again” about this or that. Hope: simultaneously man’s greatest strength, and its Achilles heel.
I’ve told her I’m pretty much done. When I was younger, the thought gave me fear. Now it literally is one of the only things that can give me calm. She obviously isn’t a fan so I agreed to try a few more things to see if I can find hope again. Not holding my breath, cause like I keep telling her “the problem isn’t how I feel, it’s that I’m right.”
Sorry for the negative rant / rage dump. Delete if needed.
PS - If I get a response to this, I’ll tell you like I tell my wife: If I disagree with something you say, I’m gonna let you know. Doesn’t mean I’m trying to prove you wrong, only means that I think you may be.