Lack of stability in things?

[MrNobody]

Hello.

I’ve been having a huge problem accepting the lack of perenity of things, specially when it comes to affections. I see friendships that seem to be unbreakable getting destroyed by small things; marriages ending out of boredom, etc. All that add to an already temporary life, isn’t that something?

For most this is a good thing, the instability of things, some even say it’s what make them alive, these constant changes, but it seems difficult to me to accept that: that i won’t have a woman who will love me forever, for example. Or that friendships are so easily destroyed. Everything just cools down and people move on, this is not intense, this is not what should make people feel alive, but long lasting relationships is what should.

Through some buddhist readings one could maybe come to accept it peacefully, but i don’t even want to - and yet i can’t change human nature either -, it seems even stupid when i read what i’m writing, but i suppose writing is a good way to make some things relieving.

Anyway, thank you for reading.

[I-Am-Reclaimer]

Hey friend,

I’ve experienced this exact thing. In fact, It’s kind of an ongoing thing - perennial if you must.

Maybe it’s a part of getting older and having the ability to see things that you weren’t aware of when you were younger? I’m not entirely sure, but what I do know is that It’s been one of those things for me that I’ve had trouble accepting myself. The only thing that has even remotely helped me is the buddhist philosophy that you speak of. The only constant in life is change kind of thing. To have an attachment to something or someone, is suffering waiting to happen. It’s a form of self love to let go of things. Oddly, that’s when things seem to come to you.

It also dawned on me that I can’t control the uncontrollable - life, nature, etc. and that the responsibility of how I react to these things wholly rests on my shoulders. It’s a difficult thing to wrestle with for sure. In fact, I still am, which is why the above really isn’t a solid response to your post lol.

What I will say is this:

In terms of a woman not loving you your entire life - you’re right. Love is a weird and complex thing. One of those things is the fact that every few years or so (some say every 7 years) we change as human beings. Not only are we physically different, our mental model of how the world works changes, too. While I’ve heard this from a couple of people in life long relationships, the most prescient came from my friend who recently got married to his girlfriend of 10 years. Love is an evolving thing with a life partner with several falling in love and out of love moments. The key thing that has kept people together in long term relationships is the ability to fall back into love with one another. For different reasons each time. You both have to keep showing up for one another, surprise one another and keep each other on your toes. It’s a life long waltz that sees you through elation as well as tragedy.

Even with my best friends that I’ve had since I was kid, I’ve had to learn how to either catch up to them or learn how to let them catch up with me. There’s been long periods of time where we don’t speak to or contact one another, but somehow, we find one another again and we pick it up form there. I’ve definitely lost my fair share of friends along my journey. In that sense, it’s completely natural as you outgrow people and people out grow you. “life happens.” however painful it may be.

I have an extremely successful mentor who’s most important lesson imparted onto me has been to stay as flexible as possible. Everything changes and nothing is permanent. He’s seemingly mastered this philosophy as he’s been able to adjust to damn near everything that’s been thrown at him to the point where he’s completely present in every situation. This allows him to identify the opportunities that he would otherwise miss if he had a ridged way of looking at life. The result is apparent to those around him.

[Wings]

Maybe I am extremely lucky to have found someone 30 years ago and we are closer now than ever before. We are very different people, but flow together in a way that feels totally natural.

My first relationship was not like that. It had extreme ups and downs from the beginning. Despite that, it lasted 18 years. Now I’m giving you some idea of my age, right?

When you talk about stability in “things,” I believe your definition of things includes stuff like emotional stability, commitment, and all the external factors that take a toll on a relationship. When thinking about things, a significant part of modern relationship problems is materialism and financial well-being. When people are struggling, they often become irritable. When both partners are working hard, they often feel burned out when they come together. It’s as though life is eating away at the love in a relationship.

When it comes to material things, I am reminded of what author “Og Mandino” said: true security lies not what a person has, but with what they can do without." Too often, the struggle in a relationship has to do with trying to get “things.” One “thing” is shelter. People tend to seek something in the upper limit of what they can afford instead of something they could more easily afford. Then there are those who must have the latest model of the most hoggish vehicle they can find.

I agree with the Zen like approach to life. I also feel that the single most important factor that makes a relationship work is unconditional love. Even if people are struggling, not happy with each other’s habits or ideas about how to live, manage finances, etc. if there is an omnipresent energy of unconditional love, all of those problems can either be worked through or tolerated.

Some people feel that emotional addiction or codependence is love, but a relationship with those elements is fraught with expectations and disappointments, and one or both partner’s love is likely to burnout. I believe relationship counseling can help those partnerships survive and even become fulfilling.

Too often, I hear yelling and name-calling in relationships. I don’t believe love can be present while at the same time disrespecting a person. Maybe they love each other between fights, but the unconditional commitment to love cannot be present. My ex used to yell and call me names, which really may be feeling rotten when she did it in front of the kids. I refused to yell back or call her names. Because I didn’t “fight back,” I couldn’t help but feel that my kids didn’t respect me. As it turned out, they told me they respected me more because I didn’t resort to yelling and name-calling.

I feel that I’ve digressed a bit, but somehow I feel that sharing this little bit will help.