Last relationship kind of ruined me

I met my last partner mid 2017 and we started to date and be exclusive in November that year. Honestly i was in love with her at first sight. She was super beautiful and i felt instantly connected and comfortable. I literally told myself, she is the one. Well a few months in she broke up with me out of no where. Of course i was like what? So i fought to get her back and she agreed. I later found out the reason why she did it but i was still young and too dumb to fix it. She left me for liking pictures/videos of other woman on social media. I of course made a promise to fix it because i still saw her as the one for me. Well i didnt know it ws an addiction and i honestly spiraled again. I didnt notice it happening but she did. She ended up getting pregnant by me with twins but we thought it was like appendicitis or something because the pain she was in. She went to the hospital with her father and found out wjat it was and got an abortion. I had resented her for that decision because i wasnt even told until after. Later down the line I ended up making new social media because i felt it it needed a cleanse and i thought that would solve me from doing that. I was wrong lmao and spiraled again. During that time her mom passed away and i was blamed for it because if i wasn’t wanting to spend so much time with her, she could’ve been home to take care of her mom. I started to hate myself and distance myself from her a little but still be there to help with whatever i could. We had broke up some point around this time i believe but of course i still saw her as the one and begged for her back. I then deleted my social media because that still was the main issue and i felt, if i don’t have it at all, things will be okay. I began stressing from having to provide for her and driving her wherevershe wanted to go (she was staying with me at the time), my family, and work and became addicted to something else. I developed a really big addiction to porn/masturbation and my god its the worst. Throughout our relationship i was constantly blamed for every issue that arised, i was talked down to, and barely had any help but i was trying my best because i loved her. I started to buy onlyfans even though i knew it was wrong. I hid that from her and stopped buying for like a year/two and eventually she found out and we broke up again. Me being an idiot, i still couldn’t give her up. For the remainder of the relationship all of my faults were thrown in my face if not daily every other day. Now i began to stress more and rather masturbate than sleep with her because i was upset. I was starting to be blamed for cheating/ looking for someone else which wasn’t true, i still saw her as the one. I wasnt allowed to express our issues to anyone because i pushed most of my friends away because to her they were bad influences. She told her family all of our problems and of course they judged me so i felt uncomfortable. When i told my family, she would get really upset with me and said i was wrong for doing so because they would judge her. We had broke up again around the time my grandfather passed and i had to grieve on my own. Eventually we had gotten back together and i was happy. But then one day one of my only friends has cheated on his gf and i didnt know until a few days after they broke up because i asked how they were doing. Now i was blamed for allowing him to do it and knowing even though i had zero control. He became suicidal and i wanted to be there for him so he didn’t do anything dumb. Well my gf was a firm believer of you are who your friends are and wanted me to cut him off. And of course she accused me of cheating too. She began to start going through my phone in the middle of the night and i didnt know until i started waking up to a dead phone before work. I work at 5am and she began to disrupt my sleep so now i have been stressing so much more. From still paying for everything and driving everywhere for her, my finances started to be kinda difficult to balance and i started to stress with that a lot. I started feeling around this point maybe i need to stop fighting for this relationship and let her go, it’s what she wants right? So our next break up i let her go, i start working on myself, going out, etc. Well my one friend previously mentioned said something dumb like me going out to hook up and i was like nah, not doing that for a while. Well my gf wanted to get back together and i took her back because she took me back so many times it was only right. Well she went through my messages again and saw that and basically believed what he said. We argued again but stood together. Well a different friend talked to me about him potentially cheating with his friends gf because she was interested in him, and i did my best to talk him out of it. When he did cheat i told my gf and she wanted me to cut him off. I now only really had him to talk to other my gf because the other friend became a shut in and i started to distance myself from him. Well my gf thought it was a good idea to message his wife through me without my knowledge and she threatened to take everything from him and he too became suicidal. His wife told his friend and he also became suicidal(really crazy right) so many peoples lives were becoming messed up and i felt it was my fault because she was the one for me. We broke up for a bit but got back together. Then in our final year together in 2023 for hers, my moms, and my birthdays because they are are within 10 days, we went to Disneyland with family. My niece was there and was scared of rides so i was making jokes to help distract her. Another girl around my age was laughing at the jokes and even chimed in. My gf started avoiding me the next few rides, so i pulled her aside and was like wth is the deal. Well she said i was making jokes for the girl not my niece. I was entertaining her and yeah. I told her you were wrong for saying that and she said she wanted to go home. So i tell my family she wants to go home so ima take her and she gets mad at me for saying that and suggested her and her sister could just go off on their own. Well my sister now is upset from how the day is going and wants to leave. So i tell my gf and yeah she gets upset with me and then says they can uber or something. Eventually we leave and she wants to break up but also in my car that night. I tell her go inside, stop playing. I finally get her inside and everything seems fine the next day. But midway through, shit hits the fan again. I had an external harddrive i forgot about that had pictures with my ex. She also accused me having crushes on coworkers and called that cheating. She decided to go through it and she decides we can’t be together. We break up 2 days before her birthday. I take her to her sister’s with her stuff and cry on the way home. Then on her birthday she gets upset with me for not doing anything for her. I quickly get stuff sent to her and she thanks me. We barely talk, only about the rest of her stuff and when/ where i can take it. A few months down the line when im able to take the rest (around what would’ve been our 6th year together) she tells me about the guys she’s seen and i was hurt hearing it because she genuinely seemed happy, so i made the visit brief and left. She wanted to be friends because we went through a lot together and i said yeah idk about that. I decided why not, she was literally my best friend let’s try. Well this last time i saw her to help her practice driving, she tells me a coworker she had while we were together she had a crush on started working where she does now. Before he started working there she said she matched him on bumble, flirted and even exchanged intimate pictures. Instantly im thinking its very hypocritical of her. One of the other guys she dated for 6ish months too (she was the other woman) she said she was mad with but believes they will end up together. I had told her that i question her character because when she was with me, she was real cut throat about everything and was against being with cheaters and consider crushes during a relationship cheating and she told me that hurt for me saying that. But i honestly dont recognize her anymore, so i feel being friends isnt even possible at all. Through all this i still love and care about her but i don’t want to anymore. The time lines for everything aren’t adding up to me. And every guy she talked to she had mouthed me to and they all said i was mental and had problems and idk why that pisses me off. I honestly need to get better and it doesn’t seem to be going well for me. My depression and self confidence are the worst they’ve ever been. I woupd appreciate any advice, i have attempted therapy but it has panned out yet.

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Hey Dukes,

I’m really sorry to hear about all that you’ve been through. Your story sounds incredibly challenging, and I appreciate you sharing it so openly. Navigating a relationship where you’re constantly walking on eggshells, dealing with accusations, and struggling with addiction can wear down anyone over time. It’s clear that you did your best to hold on and work things out with your ex, even when things felt complicated and overwhelming.

It sounds like you tried multiple ways to make the relationship work, from deleting social media to providing for her, all while managing your own stress. It’s heartbreaking that despite your efforts, you were often blamed for issues outside your control, leading to a cycle of self-doubt and frustration. The way you were accused of cheating, and unfairly judged based on the actions of your friends, would make anyone feel emotionally exhausted and misunderstood.

When you mentioned how she matched with other guys and flirted with them, only to then accuse you of similar behavior, it’s no wonder you felt hurt and betrayed. It’s understandable to question her character, especially when she seemed to hold you to a different standard than herself. Her actions also affected your confidence and mental health, which is completely understandable.

Trying therapy is a significant step, even if it hasn’t panned out perfectly just yet. Finding the right therapist and approach can take time. Meanwhile, one thing that helped me was focusing on small, positive actions that allowed me to slowly rebuild my self-worth, like writing out my thoughts or picking up an activity that brought me some joy.

You deserve to be treated with kindness and understanding, and it’s important to give yourself the same. Take your time to process everything you’ve been through, and try not to judge yourself for the emotions you’re feeling. Recovery from these kinds of experiences can be a slow process, but each step towards rebuilding your confidence matters.

Keep reaching out and talking about your experiences when you feel ready, because sharing like this is already a brave step forward. You deserve to get better, and I believe you can find that place of healing with time.

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Hey friend. This was a long post so here is a slightly longer reply - but I appreciate you putting this our there. heartsupport — Mozilla Firefox - Last relationship kind of ruined me - HeartSupport / Support - heartsupport — Mozilla Firefox - 30 May 2024 | Loom