Let’s not act like you’ll read this

[fiji]

Today it is very foggy outside, and I guess that’s what it looks like inside my head.
My head is fogged up and my thoughts keep falling over their own feet, they keep tripping over the confusing signals my heart sends them nonstop.
I feel like my heart has been broken in a million pieces, but without any reason. Depression hit hard this time and I was already close to a major relapse.
I know, now you’re going to say, „but you didn’t, that’s awesome“, but we both know that is not going to change anything, so please don’t.
Everyday I realize more and more that I am sinking deeper and deeper and there is nothing I can do to change it.
I feel like I don’t belong to anywhere. Not my family, not my church, not my friend groups, not the young adult group I co-lead, not even the group of people I thought I finally found and thought I belong to. However, the truth is, I am just an invisible attendee and I am more of a ghost than a member of the community.
But also the truth is, I do not have the energy to try to reach out more, I am already doing my best to message people and „force“ them to talk to me.
I feel like there is little to no reason for me to keep fighting and trying to be a part of anything. I can barely get out of bed every morning and I am barely checking the boxes of basic daily things to do.

I am finally able to kind of sleep at night, but now I can’t stop sleeping, I could sleep all day. Every muscle in my body hurts, and I didn’t even move any further than from my bed to my couch.
I am behind on so many things, and I do not know how to catch up now. I could break down in tears any time of the day, and all I can think of is dipped in blue and in broken pieces.

Everything I do, breathing and all, seems so meaningless and unnecessary.
I bet no one would think twice about it if I was gone.
I am sorry, but that is what it feels like, and trust me, I am trying to make things better and get out of this, but this crippling depression, it is attached to me and won‘t let me go, you could even say it is my only friend.

I have once again become the outcast, the person that is just there but no one sees or hears.
Maybe this is goodbye, but I doubt I have the strength to go through with it…

I know no one read this, and that is okay. It was good to get it out and write it down.

[Sapphire]

Hi friend.

I just wanted to let you know I did read this and I hear you. I won’t try to pep talk you as you clearly don’t want that. But I do hear you friend. You are more than just a shadow in this community. I wish strength for you in these hard times. I know how overwhelming that darkness can be.

[ktStark]

@fiji I’m glad that getting it out and writing it down felt good. I appreciate your honesty in where you are. I read this and I wish I could give you a hug. There is no need to be sorry for feeling how you do. People would definitely notice your absence - depression makes us feel like we don’t belong and nobody cares but I assure that people do. we do. Keep doing the work you’re doing to reach out to people and take care of yourself. Reaching out is not forcing people to talk to you, it’s just reaching out and is nothing to feel badly about. We are here for you, keep fighting

[MikeBelieves]

Hey friend.

I hear you, I read you. I’ve been through a lot of what you’re talking about, I know how hard it is, and I know you don’t want to hear the “we’re proud you’re still going,” but I think the fact you know we’re going to say it means deep down, you know you deserve to hear it. Seasons like these can feel almost eternal, but they forge you in a way that once you’re out of them, you’re almost a whole new person and stronger in a way some people will never understand. You’re not alone in this, you have a whole community here wishing the best for you and ready to help you push through the season into a warmer one.

[AVJR]

@fiji

It is okay not to be okay. We weren’t meant to be just okay. We have feelings. We got to be aware of them and not deny them. God loves you. This community loves you. Love yourself, beloved. I hope you are getting better. Thank you for venting. Stay safe.

[Champagne]

Read your comments. Been through a lot of that myself