Hello,
I was told to that it’s a good idea to write down all your feelings somewhere and then delete them, but in this case I don’t want to delete it, because it feels even worse to have written your entire heart out and then throw it all away just like they did. I want to own up to my feelings and confont them. Even if I may never actually send this to them.
This is too an old friend, who has the nerve to want to come back into my life after summing up and imposing their opinoin on me that I was just a failure to them. Today they visited our house, and my family had the nerve to let them inside. I avoided them, and broke down after. During that I questioned, both why they visited, and why I was so upset. Then I realized that having them back in my life is not something I will ever let happen. No matter how patient they are. Because I know deep inside people like them don’t change.
When I think back to when I was friends with you, I wasn’t happy. I was constantly trying to see the good in you, seeing that goodness every now and then, and thinking “See, they’re a secret softie.”
I don’t beleive that anymore.
When I think about all the things I want to say to you, it’s easy, but when you show up on my doorstep I can’t get those words out of my mouth anymore, so I decided: if you really think you can come back into my life, I will give you a literary slam of the door. Just because I can’t speak doesn’t mean I’m too dumb to say anything. Though, I’m not dumb at all, you’re just an asshole who always made me feel that way. I’m not as stupid as you think. Just socially inept.
The difference between you and I after all these years, was that only one of us had a heart they wanted to share. And only one of us had control of their unrelenting entitled ego.
Going into this, don’t call me stupid just for simple grammatical errors, this is not a game you can win, this is the last conversation I intend on having with you.
So, I will begin.
Don’t think you can come barging back into my life. I know every intention behind your actions. You come to me when you’re bored, you talk down to me to make yourself feel better. You’re a pretty blunt person, you even made it very clear that you only came to visit me because you were nosy if I had killed myself or I had moved elsewhere. I didn’t give you my real number because I want nothing to do with you.
We used to be friends, but even then you admitted you “never considered me” your friend. You told me we weren’t friends just “long time aqaintences”, even when we hungout, even after years of spending time together, spending the night at eachothers houses, playing games and watching TV together, watching the hours pass by, you never considered me your friend, I was just a convenience for your entertainment, just like I was with J.
You both hurt me terribly, I was the only person between the both of you that tried to fix things, I was the only one that wanted to help. I cared about the both of you deeply, but neither of you ever gave a single shit about me. You both hated eachother and spouted the worst about eachother, and I would try to show you both the best of each of you. It hurts knowing my two best
and only friends ended up completely self absorbed assholes. I did have more hope in you though.
You called me an entitled psychopath for being emtionally unstable years ago, while I was losing my mind. Dude we were all emotionally unstable as kids, none of us had good lives. And I would make up so many reasonabilities as to why you acted the way you did. I remember considering you like a firey Rose with a soft light inside. But one thing I do, and I get shit for it years later. I did that with the both of you.
And sure, you could’ve been “scared” but I have never hurt you. I never tried to hurt you, not after I saw you cry when I got mad in middle school. I… Felt terrible for that. When I was upset I’d only hurt myself, that’s how I’ve always been since. I can be scary but I wouldn’t lash out on the people I care about. You just always saw me as an enemy. Or maybe a ticking time bomb.
Maybe there’s something more you’re not telling me, but I don’t know, I didnt know your life other than what you told me. You were both so secretive about everything. But it’s no excuse for what you did. I’m tired of sympathizing for both of your pasts. The person you are today may have been created by that, but theres no excuse for hurting someone else because of it, and making them carry your weight without remorse.
You told me that in life you have to pretend you’re happy and plaster a smile on your face and “get the fuck over it”. I can’t agree with that. That only creates bigger issues. A person’s life is important, and their feelings should never be ignored. Just as abuse should never be blamed on the victim. I don’t know what your parents taught you, or what they did to you, but you didn’t deserve an upbringing in that way. You deserved a childhood, and you deserved the happiness they told you not to have. And what they did is not your fault, it never was. But you will probably never take this to mind anyways. And you arent the same person you were when you were when we were kids. Maybe if I could have told both of you this when we were younger, but then again I helped enough already, for fucks sakes. I’m done sympathizing, this isn’t going to go anywhere anyways, it never did. You both always took advantage of my empathy.
You both showed me there was a world out there that had connections, the possibility that people could actually like me in your own ways, and in being around people you can be truly happy, you both helped me wake up from my dead robotic state of existence and I wanted to care and protect you both for it. But you both took advantage of my love and care, and you both made me forget about my scary side and made me this desperate and happy kid that didn’t want to beleive you both harbored negative intentions. And that hurt me the most. I started feeling less like a person, and more like a servant.
You hated me for being myself, you hated me for things I wasn’t able to do, you always compared me to yourself, unconsciously. When we made friends you would make yourself look better than me. And I’d try my best not to be a shitty or “failure” of a friend to you. Because I considered you guys family, I loved you guys. You were both horrible though. You were ungrateful, bossy, and angry. Every day. And I understood it, so I put up with it, but there’s a point when I’m going to crack, and that crack happened, and that friendship broke. And it’s not going to be fixed. Never. It doesn’t make us enemies, it just makes us both non-existant to eachother.
I have no intention in opening up to you any longer. Like I’ve said before, I found my greatest happiness in being alone. Because I only felt alone when I was with the both of you. And, I’d rather be lonely by myself, than shitty and lonely with either of you.
And yes, I do have those quiet memories of you looking out for me, you were a good friend in some ways, but I can’t trust anyone from back then anymore. I don’t want to trust you. I don’t want anything to do with you. I don’t care how much I might be begging for a friend right now in the back of my head. We’re both alone, and both bored, and both lonely, and I’d still rather be in crippling depression alone than around people who will remind me of past pain. Every time you come back it just reminds me of the pain. I can’t stand that. I don’t want you to exist around me anymore.
I used to want to live with you guys in the future. It was a stupid pipe dream but it was very real to me. S, I don’t think you realize how much friendships and connections mean to me. It is dangerously important to me, and you watched it happen. You didn’t want to help then, and you don’t want to help now you’re just nosy and bored.
I don’t like people like that.
Besides, I was just a burden of a broken kid telling you all my issues because I was panicked and didn’t know what to do. And I’m sorry I was so annoying. My explanation for that, I needed a friend to hear me out because I had no one else to go to but you. And I don’t blame you for being annoyed by that, my only question is why the fuck have you come back?
I can’t trust you.
I can’t deal with the emotional instability around you, you say we weren’t friends, hurt me, and then you randomly are kind and help me and want to hangout. And I know that maybe there was a part of you that did truly care, you just hid it because your parents didn’t want you to feel, even though you told me we weren’t friends. I can’t stand the risk of your undecided decisons, I’ve taken too many risks.
I’m tired of feeling like I have to fix people I thought were my friends. I want to help people I know are actually my friends, who deserve my attention. I like helping people, and caring for people. I love making people happy. It’s something I’ve realized makes me super happy, but neither of you ever saw that side of me, you only wanted to see the worst in others. And I’ve realized that there are standards to helping and caring for others. Because if you aren’t careful they suck out all the love and happiness you have inside you. I’m not saying you completely did that, but you definetly contributed to what they did, and what they created. And I never told you about what he did to me because I felt like you’d talk me down like a failure like a peice of shit, you’d compare me again. You’d say everything was my fault, again. You’d tell me every bad thing that happened to me was my fault. Now, why, S, would I want to be friends with someone who blames me for other people and their own issues? I don’t like walking projectors. But the real question is, why the fuck do you want to be friends with me again? Just leave me alone, you’re too “grown up” for me anyways right?
I know there’s a possiblity that you’ve changed, but I honestly don’t beleive it. I beleive you’re still the same person who’s bored and wants entertainment, extremely nosy and paranoid about my life and will get irritated if you don’t get what you want. Youre just going to use me to complain about your life and make mine seem more fake. Because you were always like that to me, and to my family. And my family are very forgiving people, a weakness I cannot let you exploit.
Do not ever come near this house again. This isn’t a challenge, this isn’t a game. I’m dead serious. As dead as the eyes you always gave me when you said you hate me.
And knowing you, you’re just going to throw all of this shit I wrote away just to say I have a victim mentality.
An old friend,
X
