Life has come to a sputtering halt

[Piranesi]

Hi All,

I stumbled across this forum in a very dark time and you seem wonderful. I would love if you could perhaps weigh in on this.

I’ve been on antidepressants for about a year—after my last period of really intense suicide ideation and deep depression. That corresponded with the release of my first book, which did well, but which still somehow almost killed me. My agent and editor had not been very helpful. Maybe it reminded me of my invalidating parents.

My mother is a narcissist and my dad he co-dependent. I live 3,500 miles from them but they still try to ensnare me in things like end-of-life planning that are really just mind games between them. This went on since I was a kid.

My escape was to be an overachiever. I was high school valedictorian, college valedictorian. I got good jobs. I excelled for my age. I stayed out of trouble. I got flack from them for moving away, but I justified it to them by all the work I was doing—and they loved to look good based on my accomplishments.

I have been in talk therapy basically since I left home. I have tried to find really good, genuine role models and friends. Sadly many of them turn out to have very conditional love–even the ones I have come to trust over years eventually reveal their true colors.

Because of this, I just don’t feel I can go on anymore. I have tried to educate myself so much—DBT, philosophy, mental health books, etc. I feel self-help burned out. I don’t think I have enough purpose in life to find the strength to go on. I worry that my family of origin will be a source of pain forever—my attachment patterns, bonding, etc. all come from such dysfunctional people. I thought I had made big strides, but I hadn’t. I have awareness of the issues holding me back and they pain me, but I just don’t seem to make any meaningful progress despite my efforts. Nothing seems worth this to me anymore.

I don’t want to forever be the black sheep without a stable family, family members. I have worked so hard to build close relationships with cousins as an adult, and they are nice relationships now, but we missed the critical upbringing part because of my parents’ feuds with their own siblings. I don’t have a cause to give myself over to. I feel so depleted that trying to fill anyone else up right not feels so disingenuous.

Anyone who knew me in person would probably be shocked to hear this. I am gregarious, competent, self-sufficient, bubbly to them. But I have privately been struggling a long time, and I have reached my limit.

I am considering really costly in-patient or intensive outpatient, but if I just don’t have a will or a purpose it hardly seems worth it.

Has anyone been here? I’m old enough to feel like my best years are behind me, not old enough to have the wisdom of experience… or so it feels…

Thanks very much…

[larynjoy]

I don’t have experience with the same things, however, I hope that things start to look up for you. Make decisions based off of what is best for yourself. It’s all that matters.

[Micro]

Hey @Piranesi,

Thank you so much for sharing and being here.

In all of the things you shared here, I can relate to many of them. Living far away from your family because you’re parent(s) behavior is toxic to you, yet still feeling attached to them and unable to cut off entirely. Having been struggling secretly for a long time, having a depression. Feeling burnt out because you tend to be an overachiever/being focused on educating yourself a lot. Obviously our stories are different, but I feel your pain, through all of this.

and they loved to look good based on my accomplishments

My heart broke while reading this sentence. I feel for you. Sincerely.
As being the only one having a diploma in my family, my own achievements became kind of my parents pride too. Which I should see as being something good. But as our family has been very dysfunctional for almost… all the time, especially because of my mom, then it just feels like she’s stealing something away from me. I already struggle to be proud of myself for being graduated, but it’s even harder when I hear her saying “I’m proud of you”. ‘Cause I can’t hear it as something honest. It sounds more like “I’m proud of myself because you achieved that so it is because I’ve been a good mom”. Which is not true.

I don’t know if someone ever told you that, but really: your well-being, your mental health are a priority. I understand the struggle of trying to free yourself by focusing on keeping to go on no matter what. This strategy was certainly helpful and needed at a certain moment in your life, but now it’s burning you. Now it’s time to change that.

It’s not: “I have to keep going on, no matter what” anymore.
It’s: “I have to take care of myself, no matter what”.

I’m in the exact same process right now, and those are some things that are helping me (not saying it’s “the” solution at all, we’re all different, but hopefully it could help you too):

• Stop reading things that needs to think or deep reflection for a moment. The news, essays, self-help books, philosophy just as you said. Not saying that you have to numb yourself. It’s only to allow your mind to rest a little. You already have a certain knowledge, you don’t need more for the moment. I personally read comics and novels these days and it’s actually super relaxing.

• Find a physical or sensory activity. Something that helps you to feel, with your body, and not to think with your mind. I love dancing. Drawing and playing music as well. Those are mediums that help me to be in this world in a more direct and immediate way, rather than in my mind, in my imagination. But it took a long time before I actually allowed myself to even try them.

• Dont forget that it’s okay not to be okay. Your feelings are valid. There’s no shame in struggling. And also, it’s okay not to do anything productive at all. You can actually try to work on that as well. If you only had one day to live, what would you do with your time? What dreams and desires do you have?

• Learning to acknowledge… silence. May sound weird, but I always felt very uncomfortable with silence. Because it feels like emptiness to me. I try to give some spaces in my day when I’m just surrounded by silence. It’s really uncomfortable to me, but it also allows me to slow down and ground myself to the present moment, even though I do something at the same time.

Also, you said:

I am considering really costly in-patient or intensive outpatient, but if I just don’t have a will or a purpose it hardly seems worth it.

Your purpose is you. You are the reason why you can take that decision. Maybe it’s scary. Maybe you’ve never been used to think that way. But it’s okay. If you feel like it’s something you’d like to try, then trust your intuition.

Until now, it sounds that you’ve been living more a life despite others (their behavior, how they see you) rather than for you. I believe that, somehow, struggling now is a red flag, so you can sort out positive things from this situation. A better knowledge of yourself, of what you want in your life, of what makes sense to you. Even though it hurts, your depression isn’t necessarily your enemy. You can find growth through it. And you will. Indeed medication helps, therapy can help as well.

You said it feels right now like your best years are behind. But you still have many years to live, opportunities to catch, dreams to accomplish, wonderful people to meet, the ones who’ll show you what unconditional love is.

You’re gonna be okay. And this community is here for you.
Take care.