When I woke up today I thought I was ok. I was for a while. Then I wasn’t. I can’t do this anymore. I am done. Life isn’t worth it. It’s just pain. Over and over again.
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Is this how you feel all the time? What happens to cause you pain? I wish I could take the pain away. Regardless of how you feel about life right now, your worth is beyond price. You deserve a life that is worth it. What change needs to happen in order for life to be worth it?
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I could not make a new post because of something called (Error 502 dont know what that is) so I updated this one
Hi. I hope you are having a good day whoever is reading. I am making this post because I am tired. Not in the traditional sence. I feel like I am burning out. I feel like i just cant feel emotion. My brother is drunk since moring. Swearing at anything that moves. I know that making a conversation about what is bothering him is useless at this point so I know I just have to endure this. Endure his self pity, hate at the world, his loneliness and saddness and blame. Lately this has been a trend. Not the drinking but yes that too. The fact that I just have to endure. I just have to get through something. I am tired of enduring. First I had to endure my seasonal depressive episode, the the exam stress with depression combined, then another crisis and now this.
I cant be this pillar that will just stand tall no matter what. I cant say everything I do is right or great or that I dont break down. I do. But lately i dont even have the energy to break down. Its this weird depersonalization where I just feel like my core is burning but I no longer feel the pain. I am just numb. Like my core is just ash at this point. Yeah its like a big well of ash. Ashwell. Good one mate. Yeah thats me joking about feeling like shit. Or not even that. Its more like no longer caring how I feel. I think the best thing that can describe how I feel is the dog meme with the dog in the burning house saying “this is fine.” This Is Fine creator explains the timelessness of his meme - The Verge
I think my brother might blame me for not being there for him enough. I am trying though. I am trying to be there for people as much as I can. But there is only so much I can do and so much pain I can handle. I have learned that when I lash out at people I hurt them and I hate doing that even though I still do that. Sometimes the emotions are just too much. But right now I am just numb. Lately I have been trying to be there for people to the point where I think if someone just checked up on me and said “hey man how are you doing” and really meaning it I might just start crying. I know I am not perfect and I know I make mistakes but I am trying and yes sometimes my best is not enough, but I am also just me. I cant fix everything, and I cant solve everything. I am just me. And I am being selfish here asking for attention. Asking for one “How are you doing”, because I really need one. Thank you so much if you have read this to the end 
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Hey Ashwell,
How are you doing today? I hope your day has been better than yesterday. Here’s my two cents to your post… Maybe some of it is useful, but if it’s not that’s of course fair too.
Getting through everything, forcing myself through it - that’s literally been the story of my life. At the end of last year, I had - for the first time in my life - the thought that either there is a different way of life available or I’ll end it. The truth is there is life beyond enduring. It is nearly impossible to see it though when you’ve never experienced that different approaches to life are out there.
If you had a magic wand and anything was possible, what would your life look like?
Does it feel like something that needs to come up is stuck down there? When you say that emotions are sometimes too much, are you scared they come up? I always had a vague idea that there was a lot to come up but I didn’t have any reason to really believe it. Until the last months came across. There is so much down there I could have never imagined.
It is not your job to replace a parent who wasn’t and/or isn’t available for whatever reasons. Even if it was your role while growing up, you don’t owe your brother to be whatever he wants you to be. Yes, it is okay and great when siblings support each other, but the top priority in your life is your mental health - it has to be. If you don’t care for yourself, you cannot be there for your brother in the long run. Him blaming you doesn’t mean he was right. It is his responsibility to grieve the absence of a caring and loving parent. You can neither be a surrogate nor do this for him.
My experience is that as long as there were things I had to force myself through, there wasn’t the space to break down. It had to get to the point where I was completely devastated and exhausted. I had to give up my job because I didn’t function anymore. At the time, there weren’t any plans for the future. Nothing. And then came the gigantic breakdown, after years of trying to survive somehow when I was at the very end of my tether.
You’re neither selfish nor asking for attention. You’re posting to a forum where people support each other. This place is specifically designed for sharing what’s on your heart.
Sending you hugs and much love.
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Hi blini.
Thank you for your reply. I am glad soeone replied. I wasnt doing really well. Istill am not doing really well. I am sad, tired and just numb. I am having that kind of feeling like I am tired but resting doesnt help. I was mad that I had to endure but most of the things I had to put with are over for today but I am just tired now. I dont really want to do anything. But i dont want to rest either. Lately I feel like I just cant get happy. There is so much stuff happening. I know I have to stay strong but its hard. Sometimes I just want to give up.
I have a lot of emotions in me. I try to release them sometimes. I am tired of emotions. I am just tired. And I dont know how to fix it. I have went through the challanges of the past weeks and i am still kicking. Exams, stress, brothers drinking, friend issues, trust issues, all of it. I am here. I survived. I did. But I am not happy. I feel like I am just alive to die another day. I feel like my best is not enough. I feel like I cant win this one, like I have already lost, I just dont know about it yet.
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I have been feeling worse and worse lately. I dont want to survive anymore. I am tired of all this. I have been surving day after day for what. For a glimpse of happiness that gets taken away. I am tired of listening to reasons and opinions and truths and ways of thinking about this. I am tired of living. I am tired of both loosing and winning. Life is pain, emptiness and boredom. And I am tired of it. I dont know why am I going on accept the fact that I dont feel like going through the effort of killing myself most of the days. I am tired of life. I just want to be gone.
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I know how you feel. I feel numb. Numb to my own pain, my own emotions, my thoughts. I am losing myself in trying to help others to find themselves. To come alive, living life to the fullest it can be. Run wild, live free, love strong. I am sorry that your brother is blaming you for things you didn’t do. That must be painful. We are similar in how we are feeling. When someone asks how I am doing I say that I’m fine even when it’s not fine. I realize that there comes a time where we realize that we are not invincible, that we have chinks in our armor. We need others to support and to support us. As iron sharpens iron, so does a friend strengthen a friend. I hope you can make it through this. I am praying that you will make it.
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