Hey, been a little while.
I don’t know how to start this than talk about how I feel in this moment which I think I could probably describe as numb. I feel real but I feel like the world isn’t quite right, I mean me being here doesn’t seem right.
I go day by day feeling misplaced or unwanted.
At this point all I ask for in this world is respect to a certain degree but most people can’t even do that.
During exams my friend decided to have a go at me, stand me up multiple times and ghost me at a time I felt horrible and anxious (you know how I get during exams if you have read a past post). He went of with some new friends and his bf and completely left me. Now his bf broke up with him and his snazzy friend group has pretty much kicked him out so be has come back to me. He seems to be making a little more effort to our friendship now but he still hasn’t apologised and just uses excuses instead. There isn’t really room for me to talk because all he does is complain about these friends that must have been worth way more than me. I don’t really care.
I have been better with eating and that but I notice more and more things every day about my body every day that I don’t like. My face was the one thing I tolerated but now I’m even noticing thing like my nose being too long or my forehead being big. I still like my eyes tho but it just sucks how my brain is wired to hate practically everything about myself.
I haven’t been able to go on runs because of the recent heat either but I’m going to make an effort to wake up early and push myself but I will try not to overdo it.
Sometimes it feels like all I’m good for is sitting in my room listening to music.
I think I’m going quiet again as well but I think that is mainly because of my braces giving me a lisp currently.
That’s all for now I guess, thanks
So your friend was attracted to a group that ended up being indifferent to him. There’s a kind of weird dynamic socially. Surprisingly often, stuck up people attract others who seek their approval. It sounds like your friend got sucked into that kind of situation. He wanted to hook up with a group that apparently felt he was beneath them.
It sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do. That’s not unusual for young guys. Making excuses and not apologizing is childish. He also sounds like he sees himself as the center of the universe. That’s why he tries to do all the talking/complaining. I doubt he’ll change until he discovers that no one wants to be around him, and he faces the fact that it’s his own fault. Just remember, putting up with him is optional. It might be better if you spend time with other people too.
Would it surprise you to know, nobody sees us as we see ourselves? Additionally, very few people are satisfied with their own looks. No doubt there are plenty of people who find you attractive. Things like body language, eye contact, stature, dress, and attitude are the most important aspects of attractiveness.
Express love and compassion toward your body. Nurture it. Encourage it. Thank it for being there. Dress in ways that help you feel attractive, then embrace the feeling, so you can keep it with you. Others perceive more beauty in those who feel attractive, as long as they don’t overdo it.
It’s good that you exercise. It helps the body feel good and it clears the mind. I think it will help with being emotionally ready for exams.
I think sitting around and listening to music can be very therapeutic. I do it myself.
I’m so sorry that you’ve had someone treat you like that. I’ve had friends in the past who feel like they want to be my friend until someone better comes along. And when I am “good enough” to be around it’s mainly because there’s no one else and it made me question so much about myself. It made me question my worth.
I do wonder if it’s had an impact on how you see yourself and your body. You mentioned that you’re starting to notice things you don’t like about yourself and often we find that our bodies are the one thing we can control. We cant control how people treat us or view us, but we can control xyz about ourselves. Our brains start to pick on us because we assume it’s our fault that people mistreat us.
But that isn’t a reflection on you and your worth. It’s a reflection on what your friend values. Eg, popularity or being in a relationship. They may not even realise they’re doing it, and sometimes it’s a learning curve.
I’m glad to hear you’re not going to overdo it on your runs, but I also commend you for it! Sticking with exercise isn’t always easy, especially with the heat! I hope you find some time for yourself to reflect on your worth. Because it’s more than you give yourself credit for.
I’m so very sorry for what happened with your friends. It is so awful to feel like being at the disposal of someone, being somehow used for their own needs and at their own convenience. By definition, that is not friendship. You are absolutely right by expressing your need, and oh friend you are so deserving of it. You are a human being, you have worth and value. It is not okay for someone to walk in and out of your life just as it pleases them. Relationships go both ways.
Through all of this, their behavior and decisions are certainly the reflection of their own needs and insecurities, but absolutely not of your worth or of who you are. I hope you never lose sight of this. There is so much to love about you, and even though there will always be people to miss out on your own beauty, there will also be people who will give you the respect, care, love and time that you need and deserve to feel safe in your friendships. I see you. I hear you. I value your voice and your presence. Thank you for reaching out, friend. Know that you are never wrong for being your vulnerable self and asserting some very fundamental rights that you do own.
