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Belongs to: Therapist reacts to BLACK by PearlJam
Literally turn my world to Black. Letting go really hurts that I sometimes do not eat then proceed to drinking. And for some reason my body won’t let go. “I know you’ll be a star in somebody else’s sky, but why can’t it be mine” damn it! 
Letting go does hurt, but sometimes it can also be so freeing! If you’re not there yet, that’s okay. You’ll get there! You’ll be okay 
I struggle with letting go, too. It’s something I work on weekly in therapy. Thank you for opening up. It can be a really hard thing to do. Remember to have grace with yourself. It’s a long process and can’t happen over night. Be kind to yourself on your journey to letting go, healing, and growing. You can do it and things WILL get better. Much love to you, friend.
Letting go is certainly one of the hardest things one may face in life and learn to apprehend. There’s no recipe given to you, no direction as to what it might look like really when you would get there. It just seems to be this blank page that you’re supposed to decode and figure out. It leaves you in this dense fog day-in, day-out, lost as to which direction to take to keep on moving forward, while also feeling the weight of what remains behind you.
You feel this inner division between where your heart wants to be, this place of healing and closure it longs for… while another part of you feels like you’re carrying a heavy anchor with you over and over. It holds on to something that hurts you, that slows you down, but somehow feeling this pain also makes you feel more whole than what seems like only emptiness forward. It feels like an impossible choice overall. That any direction around you would only leave you more wounded if you were to take it. Staying still feels excruciating, as much as being in movement.
While feeling stuck in a place of raw pain like this, it makes sense to revert to alcohol - or anything that would help you feel differently. While feeling myself the pressure of “letting go” and mourning losses, there are times when my mind defaults to diving deeper into the darkness it brings. I surrender to what feels familiar and can help numb the pain at any cost. Many times I chose to add more pain to the one that was already present, just because it would at least bring some temporary relief. There are times when the perspective of letting go feels so agonizing that your heart begs for even just a second of not feeling the hurt anymore. It’s hard to be in this cycle though, to see yourself spiraling in it. Reverting to substances brings its share of shame and guilt. It makes you feel even more stuck, even more helpless… again, it feels like there’s just no way to win.
I hope that, in the midst of this storm, you can find moments of solace during which you can be kind to yourself. To embrace the fact that none of what you feel or do in this place of pain would be an expression or failure or brokenness. That you are not wrong for feeling in the first place, and it’s okay to be patient with yourself as you are trying to figure out your own path through it. It’s all about being human and longing for healing, especially when it feels out of reach.
This place, my friend, this pain that you feel, this loss you carry with you, is not meant to be your forever. As much as it feels like running through the same cycles over and over, you will find your way through. You will rise above, and look back one day to this time now, feeling proud of all that you’ve overcome and accomplished. This journey is yours, this pain is part of your story, but it will not condition who you are and have yet to be. I believe in you.
-Marie-Anne